Herstory: Colours Of Life

Memories or thoughts shared coz they were considered significant, confusing, entertaining, ego-boosting, puzzling, or an achievement.

It's common for people to describe me nicely as, "not like anyone else I know".... I have come to happily agree to being a 'freak' aka eccentric/eclectic/different/weird ;-)... and love what I have become, and have faith in how I will be....

You choose the colours of your life.... Dream. Explore. Discover.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Never Again.... The Cost Was Too Much.

I died. I gained the world (what a beautiful world it is), but I lost my spirit.

Experience is such a great teacher, to which I have always been a keen and curious student. I was such a fool - so courageous and willing.

The past had many ups and downs, that's life. I realised how spoilt I was. Things always fell into place. I worked for it, I chased it, cried over it, but I was mostly blessed.

Then I decided to be truer to my character. Unchained restricted dreams. Unfortunately, in stepping forward to fill up what was missing in my life, I lost the most dear to me. Read previous blogs.

Positively charged from years of good nurturing and continuous self development, I left everything behind. I felt exposed and defenseless, with only my personality, charms, a bit of luck and street-sense to protect me.

The world became my playground. I made good what I could. Travelled parts of the world. Opened myself to new experience, and to new wonderful love. A love short-lived, but prolonged for the memory of the fantasy, rather than truth. I should have known - relationships were meant to be enjoyed, not endured, especially at the start and when both parties say they only love each other. I went through hell. Read previous blogs for those stories too.

I can express how I am now.... Loving someone openly, naturally, unashamedly and fully cost me myself. I should have given the love to myself instead. I gave love all to him. I was left with only life to bring my pieces together. I feel irreparable. I could no longer be who I was. Absolutely never. The old me definitely forever gone.

People see it from time to time, when I put on the act, or try to be the old me. But they could see the effort and feel the unease. I never had to put it on before, it all came out without thought. Friends and colleagues tell me all the time they miss how I was. I joked at least they saw it before extinction. They give me the same forced/broken smile I give them, words of encouragement, sometimes hugs and kisses, and move on to another topic.

The hardest for me to deal with is that I am always scared... petrified. I cannot think or decide or hear my thoughts. Self-worth is intact, but I guess... courage(?) and inner strength(?) are lacking. I am plainly scared - completely broken, disillusioned, hurt and unbelieving. Emotionally and physically spent. I am alive outside, but inside love put me through a painful and torturing slow death. I fought hard, but lost, still hardly believing someone could be so... self-serving.

Now as I am dead inside, I exist just for the fact that I breathe. But no longer recognisable. My outlook for a partial comeback is grim. I may spend the rest of my life to recover. That will be the new chase. My heart has locked, that special place I allowed for love to burst in has caved in. No longer able to love fully like a child. Future lovers will have to settle for the communal area though they make take a larger space than others.

While I still breathe I make do. I try to live, follow the hollow routine, because I exist. At times I remember the inspirations that made me me. But mostly I am defeated and deathly in my heart. No longer a beautiful freak.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Ice Cream

Not an experience I’m proud of, but here’s another first in my list of misadventures – fully moving my things out of my ex’s house.

He offered to let me keep my belongings there, until I leave the country for good. I knew keeping a link with him would keep me vulnerable, so I refused. He kept pushing for how he thought we should deal with the situation. I kept reacting and pushing for my own ideas. We weren’t amicable. Mainly because I was crazy (I’ve been crazy for several months now) and he was disgusted by how I treated him.

He treated me as well as he could. I had no doubt he truly loved me. But I didn't believe much else, and knew I deserved much more than the circumstances gave me. He retaliated with provoking statements. He said it in anger. I believed he said it because it was half meant, therefore he partly believed it, so I took it as how he truly felt. Was I too sensitive? Sensitive yes, but too sensitive, no. No matter how angry I was, I never brought the same provoking issues against him, albeit half meant.

So I cried myself to sleep in a separate room. And woke up immediately crying before I even remembered where I was. Then I composed myself enough to shiftily erase my contact numbers on his mobile, but for one. I asked him to do it earlier, but he refused. I feared a breakdown if he could reach me everywhere. So I connived to do it while he slept. I relaxed slightly, enough to fall asleep again. I was caught straight away in the morning, and received an earful of….

It was the coldest night of my life, not only because of the temperature and the weather, but because of how my heart and body felt. Then I woke up to a fucking beautiful morning. I looked out the window and everything was covered with snow. I remembered early this year I was smiling blissfully while we walked hand in hand on the same path. A few weeks ago he said he was writing my name while we talked on the phone. I dug my feet on the ground while I unashamedly cried, wanted so much to run to his arms and take all the blame, just so we could be together, even if only for today. But I knew what I started, why I started it, and how hard it was to continue it. I needed to end the cycle. So I stood my ground, grateful that he didn’t come out and sweep me off my feet. Grateful he was hard, mean and offensive, as I was to him.

Car service booked. Car service arrived 40 minutes early. I left the house, barely exchanging a murmur of goodbyes. In the car, all I could think of was no longer being able to kiss his lips again, and feeling so disappointed that in my rush I left the last thing he bought me – ice cream – in the freezer.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Snippets of my condition...

with special thanks to Lauryn Hill for 'kicks in the rights direction'
(After Door No 2...)

Nothing is worse than knowing something I cherished the most has ended. That is was beyond my control and now forever lost. I realise I fell in love with a fantasy, not a reality.

All that I know is gone, all that I was building on.

Whatever changed my love to despair….? Trap laid, I knew him, but not as who he is. He is one-dimensional. Mister Promotional.

Fantasy is what people want but reality is what they need. I’ve retired from fantasy.


I know that a life without love is no life at all. But love without trust, what of that???

The road to hell is filled with good intentions. The only way out is through confrontation, not retreat.

I gotta find peace of mind, in a lasting relationship not based on ownership.


I get out of all your boxes. Can't hold me in your chains and psychological locks. Repressing true emotions. Promoting mass deception. I don’t respect and won't protect your system.

If I have to die to be released from you, that’s how I choose to live.


I won't be compromised anymore. Can't be victimised no more. I just don’t sympathise no more. Coz now I understand. You just wanted to use me. You say you love me and abuse me. You never thought you’d lose me. How quickly we forget that nothing is certain. You thought I’d stay here hurting.

Your guilt trips not working. Repressing me to death. Now I'm choosing life, taking the sacrifice. If everything must go, then go. That’s how I choose to live. No more compromises. I see past your disguises, appealing through mind control, charms and good deeds, trying to make my heart your slave.

I don’t know how to go back, always moving forward. Promises deceived. Time takes care of wounds. Not the type to look back, call it selfish but I'm grateful of it.

These are the hymns of my heart. The core of my being.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Travel Wishlist

Countries/Places To Experience Before I Die

Alaska
Iceland
Antartic/Artic
Sweden
Finland
Denmark (not only Copenhagen)
Norway
Nepal (Mt Everest, 1km up from basecamp at least!!)
Burma/Myanmar
Thailand
Vietnam
Cambodia
Laos
Philippines
China
Papua New Guinea
India
USA (New Orleans, Denver, New York State, Niagara Falls)
Portugal
Spain (Ibiza, etc)
South Africa
Morocco
Egypt
Libya
East Africa Safari Tour (and Victoria Falls)
Seychelles
Maldives
Mauritius
Malta
Tahiti
Vanuatu
(Western) Samoa
Fiji
Tonga
New Caledonia
Canada (Niagara Falls)
Mexico
Jamaica
Cuba
The Bahamas and some Caribbean Islands
Greece and several Greek Islands
Italy (Venice, Rome, etc)
Peru
Brazil
Chile
Argentina
Venezuela
United Arab Emirates
Saudi Arabia
Syria
Iran
Israel

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Behind on Travelblogs

(still editing... I cant remember a lot right now....)

Since Maui, I have seen the following places:

- Paris (2nd time),
- Switzerland (Lausanne, Montreux, Geneva, Bern, Interlaken, Lungern, Luzern, Basel, Zurich, Schnauffhausen, etc)
- Germany (Stuttgart, Berlin, Munich)
- Hungary (Budapest)
- Slovakia (Bratislava)
- Czech Republic (Prague)
- Poland (Krakow, Oswiecem, Birkenau)
- The Netherlands (Haarlem and Amsterdam)
- Luxembourg (City)
- Denmark (Kobenhavn)
- Russia (Mockba and St Petersburg)
- Turkey (Istanbul and Antalya).

Within UK, I've so far only been to London and Liverpool.


Here are some memories from each trip:

PARIS
  • Twice travelled 45mins minimum one-way, changing 3 metro line each time, to have my Vietnamese Pho Special (again), YUM!
  • Room on the 4th floor, no elevator, winding staircase, had to carry my suitcase up and then down on my own!
  • String bracelet scam – I walked away with a free bracelet, hahaha! Beat the dude to his own game, he didn’t know what happened, hahahah! But I lost it after I had to go back to save my guy friend from the same scam. The dude recovered and pulled it off my hand while I quarreled with his partner. I should have put it in my pocket straight away, hahahah!
  • The longest queue we had to fall in line for to reserve our eurail tickets.
  • Now I see more dog turds, and lotsa baby clothes stores!!?!
  • Notre Dame looking beautiful at night
  • Finished my first bottle of red wine on my own, and I was only tipsy!
  • Friendship/relationship talks

SWITZERLAND

  • Lausanne - Friend blaming an old lady for the odd smell next to him inside the restaurant, thinking the lady disgraced herself, when it was the cheese they were eating, hahahah!!!
  • Eurail made all train trips free!!!
  • Montreux fest closed on Sunday, and it was raining
  • So we went to Geneva
  • Monday all day first class train ride while the rain poured – Lausanne, Bern, Interlaken, Lungern, Luzern, Basel (lunch), Zurich and Schnauffnasen.

POLAND

  • Sunset on the way while on the train
  • Second class shocker, people were standing packed along the walkway! My buddy wouldnt accept less than first class train travel since, lol!
  • First delay experienced in the trip, 20mins approx due to damaged tracks
  • Oswiecim and Birkenau - it was hard to not be upset
  • Pierego and pancakes
  • Really liked Central Krakow and Polish ambience
  • Wawel Castle was nice

BRATISLAVA

  • Main train stn Hlavna Stanica, about 1km north of the centre
  • Saw little, wasnt there long enough, but was glad i stopped over to glance
  • Aimed to see as much of the city centre and the castle area
  • First (and only? of two?) biatch fight with my travel buddy happened here, lol!

PRAGUE

  • Everywhere you look, the buildings were over-spectacular!!
  • A lot of Star Wars influence came from here, eg Darth Vader, the spaceship, etc
  • Plzen beer - Czech Republic's golden nectar... I was tipsy a lot again
  • Prague tour and free dinner, Rennie, Ahmed and Serife
  • Role as a sidekick
  • Missing my (i thought at the time) beautiful friend

GERMANY

  • I love Germany, I knew this since last year!
  • In Stuttgart, felt sleepy and tired (a few euphemism here), but dinner was nice
  • Kasespatzle and maultauschen and beer
  • In Munich, it was nice to see Marienplatz again, the same buildings are still being renovated
  • Long wait for Budapest train overnighter from Stuttgart
  • Watched our Copenhagen train leave us, even though we were waiting for it for approx 20mins at the flatform, in Berlin
  • I like the no-nonsense and efficient German approach i keep sensing and seeing

BUDAPEST

  • A diamond in the rough, beautiful touristy yet still cutely lacking or rough in places
  • Neverending search for langos (fried dough with cheese or cream from food stand)
  • Egri bikaver – bull’s blood beer
  • Vilmospalinka – brandy made with plums or apricots
  • Szek szardi wine
  • Eclectic hostel with shonky owner
  • Dilapidated buildings needing care
  • Crazy drivers not stopping for peds
  • Pest more touristy than Buda
  • Nice day of sunshine
  • Funky water – theodoro kukkuti
  • Esther and Lazslo
  • Turosteszta - had the pasta but did not taste the dessert
  • Gypsy cymbolos concert with tv blaring in background and microwaved food in Giero recommended by hostel owner Adam
  • Hostel where we stayed old kitsch
  • Eating watermelons late at night while it rained and thundered

COPENHAGEN

  • I loved the hippie side and could live there - Christianhavn
  • Loved how relaxed I felt while there, I think it reminded me of Melbourne during summer
  • Met a guy typically named Bern, got his email address, and took several photos of him - which eventually inspired my friend to "Carpe Diem" about a Berlin girl ;-)
  • Bought some nice, old handpainted potteries
  • Got tipsy again while having lunch and drinking beer produced in the country, in King's Park
  • Little Mermaid's statue was a nice treat
  • Best shower we had during our Europe trip was in the train's shower while it was moving!! Hahahah! Strong water current, high showerhead, and new spacious shower area.

AMSTERDAM & HAARLEM

  • Flat land, no mountains, rolling hills?
  • Good place to go with friends intending to run amok and smoke marijuana (it's legal there)!!
  • Hard to take photos of the ladies in the windows, apparently we're not supposed to??!!?
  • No men in the windows!!!? What about my demands!!?! ;-P
  • Made sure we stepped out of Amsterdam, at least to Haarlem, because I felt it was unfair to think of Netherlands just as how Amsterdam tourism is portraying it.
  • Best room out of our Europe Trip was in Amsterdam, but far from the city centre (had to catch a tram) - high ceilings, huge space, comfy lux bed!

LUXEMBOURG

  • Very rich, but boring (on weekends), but relaxed
  • All cars were posh!
  • You can feel the reason why Lux-ers will feel proud and even pompous about their country
  • Nice place to visit once, or maybe when much older, to get a sense of their culture and pride, in an enjoyable slow pace

RUSSIA

  • I loved Russia
  • A rough diamond - many contradictions and extremes
  • Beautiful architecture/buildings, amazing underground stations, sense of precision and grandness while I walked/travelled around....
  • Then you see rabid dogs everywhere (like huge pigeons), lots and lots of drunks and homeless people, lots of uniforms showing authority (which you later work out even gardeners wear), and cops beating people midday in full view!
  • In tourist areas... safer than expected... but like some cities, eg New York, making one wrong turn into a non-touristy street... I couldnt help but feel on edge... that I was testing my luck and safety. People with non-white features be aware (not beware!) but definitely should still go at least to Moscow and St Petersburg!
  • Two overnight trains between Moscow and St Petersburg, and i kissed the angel/old man whom helped and translated for us out of overwhelming gratitude!
  • I was freezing all the time, since I packed in haste, and was running away, so I forgot my jacket amongst many things!
  • Overnight stay in Munich in a hotel close to the airport
  • Early morning bad news our Munich to Moscow flight cancelled!!! We lucked it by going to Vienna (chance passengers) where we caught a Vienna to Moscow flight. Whew!!
  • Then my friend had to deal with lost baggage, which arrived 30mins before we were heading off to St Petersburg!
  • I was quite sick and broken during this trip, so I slept most of the time instead of trying to be a local. I didnt have the physical and psychological strength to throw myself out there to experience it fully. It would be good to go back for around 5 days in each city....
  • Dont know if I just really needed some soul food, but I absolutely loved eating at a Georgian Restaurant in St Petersburg!! The soups lifted my spirit and energised me!
  • Loved Tuborg beer!
  • Also got lucky being recommended to go to an Ottoman restaurant in Moscow, where we ate all the time! Loved the fresh Moroccan mint tea!

TURKEY

  • I loved Turkey, I could even consider living there
  • Accommodation was new, in a very quiet but still touristy street (so we had plenty of choices for hangouts and upmarket restaurants) in Sultahnamet, Istanbul
  • Dining, chilling, smoking and dancing in Reina while enjoying the night view of Bosphorous Strait and Bosphorous Bridge
  • Shisha-ed and smoked until my head hurt or til i couldnt stand my mouth tasting like an ashtray anymore
  • Always drunk, tipsy or feeling high!! Hahahah!
  • For the first time in all my trips, I got sick of eating local cuisines!!
  • Was too lazy to chase my favourite turkish delights!! And it would have been awesome there!!!!??!
  • Avoided taxis as much as possible, caught trams, buses and ferries instead! Twas fun to work it out and soooh easy!!!
  • My best moment in Istanbul was lying down on cushions on the floor, sucking on a shisha pipe, or puffing cigarettes, drinking Russian beer, reading a book, oblivious of anyone, while a cool September wind blows through the window next to me.
  • In Antalya, we stayed in a pension house located within the Old Town of Kaleici, away from traffic/city noises and modern buildings - very nice!
  • Tried different beaches in Antalya, which we had to travel to get to - Konyaalti was the best and preferred by locals, then Lara. Memerli was too close to the marina to stay clean and a paid beach, but the sunset view was nice.
  • In Lara we met, smoked and drank with 2 very nice locals - Fico and Alpay
  • My best moment in Antalya was swimming alone or far from the beach, facing towards the sea. There were several moments where I just wanted to keep swimming away til I was tired, which was suicidal because there was nothing but the sea in front of me, so I had to control the urge.

LIVERPOOL

  • Old buildings, with a quieter ambience compared to London, very nice
  • Tate Liverpool
  • Meeting Mr Hyde
  • Embraced merrily the British culture of drinking pints of beers for hours, while in good company :-) !! Cheers!
  • Then received the most disgusting news I've ever heard about someone, and I have never been the same since

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Quick Update

- Hating the limescale in the water, but learned to live with it
- Losing my tan rapidly, Maui trip was my best tan ever!
- I miss nature/outdoors, the 3 parks in my area are not enough
- Cancelled 3 dates last week, so I guess im still not in the market (well, 2 dates and 1 catch-up with a guy friend)
- Instead spending time with the ladies, them prepping me up for the dating market, I should be ready within 2 weeks..??
- Just found out a girlfriend wants me to date her brother, hahahah!
- One other friend is quickly trying to set me up with his friend as well!!!
- Loving my new roommates, glad to be back "home"
- Job front not good, not good at all
- Missing my Delight terribly!!!! Im purring for her.... I know from her I received unconditional and true love, even though she was only a cat
- Again noticed how lonely people are... and lost....
- Not looking for my better man, if he finds me all good, if he doesnt it's not the end of life, instead im busy playing life with enthusiasm....
- Trying to be strong, or accepting of my weakness when I cant
- Not feeling happy at the moment, I faded into someone I dont want to be, stuck in confusion, trying to deal
- When I think Im alone or no one's paying attention, I always break. Since start of this month, tears fell daily/nightly
- Went through several upto 8kilos weight fluctuations, gained and lost, no diets required
- Missing good food and quality ingredients
- Now I understand why people drink alcohol to numb down everything going on within, or to put a pause on dealing with anything as one is too intoxicated
- Cookings skills has not improved, heheheh - e.g. i whipped some pasta together like a chef with limited ingredients, canned pasta from the supermarket would have been tastier, hahah, aaargh!!!
- Missing my innocence/naivety, yet trying to be a bitch! It's hard to be someone Im (so obviously) not!!! Aaarrgh! :-)
- Trying to be a better liar, but failing when it counts!!! Aaaargh (again!)!!!
- Decided London is temporary
- Have lots of catch-up stories to blog about my travel etc, some already started, but feeling down, it has been hard to finish them off

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I Have My Heart Back

For a long time I was in limbo land where my mind told me to move on and my heart still hoped for 'happily ever after'.

On Friday I knew. I finally had my heart back.

I am released, relaxed and empowered.

Out of love, no regrets, only forgiveness.

Never forgetting. Many lessons learned.

Self-worth tattered, yet intact and strong.

The spot in my heart only one man may occupy, for now, emptied, locked and hidden.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Aloha Memories

  • Being in Maui for a week when I never imagined I’d be going there!!
  • Spending time with my friend and her family (especially the kids), I love them!
  • Hugs and kisses from the kids
  • Finding some peace, just the pick-me-up my spirit needed
  • Teaching my godchild’s 8-year old brother how to snorkel confidently and how to communicate underwater
  • Taking a cruise to a snorkel spot (Coral Garden unfortunately instead of Molokini due to choppy waters)
  • Seeing him (my godchild's brother) deal with strong currents and huge waves, knowing where to place himself depending on whether he wants to surf it or avoid the break
  • Hearing him sing (he even sang the ‘Beautiful Girl’ song from last year! xoxo)
  • Eating home-cooked meals, eating out was expensive!
  • Finding grilled mahi-mahi cooked in a private home’s frontyard (most authentic Polynesian/Hawaiian meal I had, cheap and delicious too!!!)

  • Wearing flowers on my hair
  • Bought and wore a grass skirt costume, plus extra leis and a coconut top, lol!
  • Bought a hula girl car window hanger as a souvenir
  • Seeing my godchild smile, and wearing her little grass skirt costume, with a coconut top! So cute!!!
  • Spoke conversational Tagalog as much as English! I was told at least 40% of people living in Maui are from the Philippines Islands!!
  • Pupu Tiku Lounge in Kihei
  • Attended a Hawaiian luau at Marriot Hotel, where I sampled some traditional dishes. Unfortunately the food were not warm, so i struggled to eat and finish my meal, but still ate because i was hungry, heheheh!

  • Yellow gumamelas, never seen them before…!!

  • Turkey bacon, grilled eggplant, salted eggs and salmon sashimi

  • Touring and seeing most of Maui (sunrise at Haleakala which wasn’t really fantastic considering the travel/effort involved, Hana Tour (Blacksand Beach was our fave), Makena (Big Beach), Lahaina, Maui Vista along Kihei (Kam 3), and Kapalua

  • Swimming and snorkeling in warm water!!
  • Being crushed by the waves and pulled by the current, almost drowning 4 times in different beaches, while being dragged by the current along the shore in ankle/knee deep water!!!
  • Snorkelling on my own along the rocks between Kamaole 1, 2 and 3. This was an achievement because I didn’t get too scared even though I was alone farther out at sea, had no bodyboard/flotation device and the current was quite strong. But I made sure I communicated to the lifeguards, swam out when it was still low tide, and kept orientating myself to the shore
  • Farewell tears from all…. They have a special place in my heart
  • A lady treating me a biscuit (some sort of doughy bread, like the ones used for Devonshire teas) while I was waiting to pay for my sandwich, after she convinced me to buy one for myself
  • Too many connecting flights, 2 from East Coast, then 3 to go home!! With 3-4 hours of layover each time!! So tiring!
  • Appreciated my laptop as company, watched lots of movies during layovers
  • Earplugs and eye covers are the best travel items I always have with me!!!
  • Too many flirtatious comments, etc… I couldn’t appreciate it when I was tired and cranky! I just wanted to be left alone!!! Grrrrr!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

East Coast to Hawaii… And The Number 2

(in snippets once again…)

  • Second trip where I felt sad while flying
  • Second flight where I had tears in my eyes
  • Feeling at least second best
  • Never sleeping longer than 2 hours each try
  • Bought my second US mobile phone number
  • Second trip to Baltimore and Arizona
  • Each non-home-cooked meals I had were portions enough for 2 people
  • Two life-changing realizations
  • Second chance gone, and second chance given
  • Two goodbyes, possibly with finality
  • Two black suitcases
  • Two hundred dollars
  • Rode my 2nd worst flight from Baltimore to Phoenix (5hrs, fraying seats, no earplugs for music/movie, no food, no pillow, no blanket, just the seats hahahah, couldn’t sleep and I really needed it). At least I was in 4F, the window seat behind first class – the second best seats, heheheh. First worst flight was March 2008 flight to Melbourne for a wedding – I was very sick yet hiding it for a 26hours approx flight home. Ugh!
  • Two planes to reach Maui (5hrs from Baltimore, waiting now for 4hrs for connecting flight in Phoenix, to board a 6.5hrs flight to Kahului)
  • Two-hour wait for my friends in Kahului Airport coz I will arrive earlier than them
  • Second opportunity to spend time with my friend and her family from California!
  • Second chance to muck around with my godchild and her sweet brother!!!

Friday, June 06, 2008

It's All Downhill From Here

Im rude, petty, spiteful, out-of-place-proud, and sick of trying to be considerate or understanding. In the past i made sure disagreements were dealt with immediately. Now i prefer to walk/run away, act like its not happening just so it ends the discussion, and disregard any intention by other parties to bring it up again.

I dont understand my own feelings anymore. Cant trust my own judgment anymore. There's a feeling of black cloud hanging over me. I just do not know anymore what to believe - what i see, what im told, or how i feel. It is a new experience not being grounded with myself, and being made to feel like im the one who is not understanding or making things up... that nothing is wrong or not making sense. It makes me feel insecure, unsure of who i am and what i know. The pain which continously scratches my heart, at times striking it with vigour, ripping my spirit to shreds, is overwhelming. Internalising everything is harder nowadays, and it doesnt improve my ability to cope. I am losing my sense of peace, self-worth and good self-evaluation.

I feel like everything i say now is offensive. And the more im being told so, the more I act it up to make it true! I retaliate, throwing my issues back, irrational and illogical, destructive and ill-tempered! So everything gets worse.

Maybe i know the answers. Maybe i already know what i should do. Maybe i just cant accept the truth, wistfully praying I am very wrong. Maybe this time i am finding it hard to accept the decisions, and therefore actions, i know i will take. So i am stuck, allowing myself to marinate in this confusing, negative state of mind. Afraid and pained and embarrassed of my behaviours towards the people im hurting (back).

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Worst In Me

I have become a worse person. First I swore at someone passionately, shouting out of control and very very angry, which I have never done in any relationship (maybe to my siblings but not partners or friends). Then I strongly hit someone about 5 times on the legs, during another angry situation (I have shoved/pushed, but never hit).

I lost the plot. I have never been placed in such an emotional situation before, and a situation where I knew I was being forced to conform to 'a reaction or action' I didnt agree to, and made to feel... cheated... that I lashed out. The spitfire in me I've always managed to control came out in full force! The situations brought out the worst in me, and it was... scary.... Scary, because someone could trigger such a reaction from me, even though I was aiming for us to deal with our issues maturely. With care, respect, honesty and understanding.

I am never going to be proud of my behaviour. But I was glad I stood my ground. Now, I am soul-searching, and trying to learn some new skills to deal with new experiences I've been made to go through, which I have never been through before. Im not talking straightforward, I know, but I am still not comfortable talking of the details behind the fight. Just that I am now feeling like a child with badly grazed knees learning how to walk. Trying to protect myself and keep myself well.

I am thankful God raised me well. I am thankful I am strong. But I am hurting badly from the experience. I take part of the blame - I left myself too open, too trusting/loving, too guile-less. I just hope I make the best decisions for myself and come out of further bad situations, if any more will occur and doubts are confirmed, with grace (even if my pride is no longer intact) and with speed.

(At the same time, the naive in me hopes for the good in the person to shine through, and for me to be proven wrong.)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

First 10 I Miss And Wish I Had (While Living Off Suitcases)

  • Bicycle – I still have my eyes set on a lightweight (as light as possible) folding bike with multispeed gears. Has to be folding coz of space constraints, and light coz I have to carry it through at least 2 flights of stairs all the time. It cost about £500.00, hence why I cant afford it, for now. There’s also the cost involved in shipping it with my stuff back home.
  • A cross ski-trainer machine like my friend Joey has – my legs needs a workout and stretching. It cost about £90.00 on eBay. Should I buy it now, or wait til I can have it delivered to home after my London living???
  • SLR Digital Camera
  • A good, inexpensive waxer – whom uses hot wax, not wax strips!!
  • Laser Hair Removal treatments – sick of underarm hair and ingrowns
  • A good comfortable bed with soft to touch beddings
  • A punch bag setup – it’s hard to box alone hitting air, my punches needs contact
  • A dumb-bell set – to work my arms and lats better
  • A good, inexpensive beauty therapist who does extraction during facials
  • Well paying job so I can save the pounds to travel more often

Or a "papi" (married or going out with me only, of course) I absolutely love and adore (heheheh) coz I don’t know how it’s like to have someone buy and pay for lots of expensive things and luxury for me, while I just relax, sparkle, eat well, be fit and healthy and keep myself beautiful for him and me to enjoy. Then maybe I don’t have to go back home… hahahah!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

First Ten I Love/Miss This London Spring

First 10 I Love this London Spring
  • Tulips – growing everywhere! It’s common in gardens here!
  • Seeing flowers when I wake up in the morning or while I walk around the house
  • Hugs and kisses in the morning
  • Sunshine!! And the heat that radiates from it! Especially on a rainy day!
  • Not feeling sick
  • Canned corn kernels
  • Good arthouse/indie films on TV
  • Getting internet connection at home
  • Not working and not bored
  • Sleep!!

First 10 I Miss This London Spring

  • Salsa dance lessons and the social aspect of it
  • Eating out, having multicultural cuisines
  • My old neighbourhood – the hustle and bustle, accessibility and convenience
  • Internet connection
  • Socialising with my girlies, even if only once a week
  • Having public transport, foodshops, and fashion shops, right at my doorstep
  • Walking and sitting in the park
  • Meeting new and worthwhile people
  • Having disposable income to travel, watch plays, and buy things
  • Sports – rockclimbing, cycling, swimming, hiking, camping, canoeing or even just going to the gym to join boxercise and aerobics

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My First 10 Favourites While on a Snowboarding Trip in Austria (Salzburg and Kaprun)

1. Getting off the plane and seeing the mountainscape (I silently started singing in my head, "The hills are alive... with the sound of music....", heheheh)


2. Snowboarding!!! Wearing my goggles again (and my other gears like boots, wrist guard and jacket)!


3. Snow all over me, all around me, the familiar feeling of snow-wet and cold...


4. Nutella on nutty bread


5. Nutella on banana


6. Vodka!


7. Bauschpeck i managed to take back home!


8. Touring Salzburg on my own


9. A random guy stopped me and bought me a tulip from a vendor standing in a laneway (see picture on the right)... he said a few words in his language then walked away smiling! Made me smile!! Love moments like this! Pity I couldnt bring the flower back home with me.


10. Getting to know my travel partner

Thursday, March 20, 2008

First 10 Favourites in Melbourne


1. My little beautiful sweet Delight!!
2. Kisses, nudges and hugs from my Delight
3. Seeing really good mates and my ex (i feel like crying thinking about them visiting/calling me while sick, really appreciated it)
4. Food my workmate friend brought me while sick
5. Flowers my bestfriend gave me while sick
6. Mobile charger my ex bought for me so I could receive calls/sms from overseas
7. My laptop, the only good source of entertainment I had while confined
8. Bon Bho Hue - Vietnamese soup
9. Professional foot treatment and a proper professional wax(cheaper than London)
10. Closure

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Beautiful (Ghana)

I wish I had more spare time, could type fast, and was more journalistic, so I could express fully and properly how much I experienced, learned and valued my visit to Ghana.

I would always cherish this trip, and keep it closest to my heart. It was also there where I recognized a moment where I felt happiest… fulfilled… and it has been a while since I have personally felt this good.

I have met many interesting people. I ate deliciously prepared dishes and fruits. I saw beautiful landscapes and waterfalls. I witnessed the country’s “outback”, city life and its history. Most unforgettably, I experienced unexpected heartwarming generosity, and humbling acts of kindness without expected returns/favours, from people of various walks of life.

I went there with very little expectation, simply because I didn’t know what to expect! For example, I knew my accommodation will be better than mud huts, but I prepared myself to sleep in a small bedroom with lots of people and no air conditioning. I brought a permethrin-treated bedsheet and a mosquito net to use, just in case. I prepared for “hard yakka” – or living very simply. I cared little about standard of accommodation, food, climate and activities. But I paid attention to keeping myself healthy (vaccinations, sickness preventions, etc) throughout my trip. I disregarded those issues (except health matters) that usually concerned travelers and even prevented tourists from visiting a country. I threw caution to the wind! I just wanted to experience “it” myself.

I realised (after this trip) that most people who only hear about Africa have several negative impressions about the continent. Their prejudices are quite strong- out of ignorance, society’s generalisation, media's gross misrepresentation, and lack of active willingness to find out if the stories they hear were really true, or not. I am hardly the person who can enlighten you and clear you of those prejudices, but I will try to write truthfully how I felt about those concerns.

So in snippets, I hope I will be able to convey well some of my experiences and impressions of/in Ghana….

- People, including I until I was made aware of it, think of Africa as a country, rather than a continent. Oh, I knew Africa had many countries. I also wanted to visit Egypt, Morocco and South Africa, if my finance would allow it. But somehow when I first arrived I was talking about Ghana like all of Africa is the same!! It’s like saying Taiwan and Indonesia are the same - in culture, language and food! It’s the same ignorant generalisation people have when they call all Asians or people with slanting eyes as Chinese, then they verbalize Japanese phrases!! Tsk tsk tsk! I thought I knew better, but there I was, embarrassingly guilty of this in the first week of my trip to Ghana. (….It just pushed my desire to visit more African countries to personally experience its diversity….)

- I wanted to travel as much as possible safely around Ghana and even to surrounding countries like Cote D Ivoire, Togo and Benin. I was also looking forward (a little bit) to watching the African Cup (soccer). Unfortunately, I did not get to visit the neighbouring countries, too much civil unrest, robberies (and friends were worried about voodoo!!!), and the visa charges quoted to me by embassy staff were exorbitant I choked my way out of their offices in Accra. I wondered if I was quoted the actual charges or the “obroni” (white man) price…?

- Ghanaians are peace-loving people. I asked if there were any existing tribal wars or possibility of one starting. The replies were varying degrees of, “unlikely”. However, (I was informed several times that) since Rawlings left presidency, his security service changed profession, joined forces with outlaws from neighbouring countries, and took to kidnapping and armed robberies. Poverty, poor economy, corruption and introduction of imported narcotics in the community have expectedly created problems in the country, much like what other countries with drug-related problems are going through. Similar stories are told whereby in the past houses were left unlocked and there was no need to hire bodyguards. Nowadays, people reminisce about those peaceful times lost, and try to optimistically hold on to neighbourly trust as much as they can, ‘cause it is too important to lose.

- The possibility of being kidnapped or robbed was high, especially at night as we headed home. Police checkpoints were actively introduced to combat the robberies and drug trafficking, but the ‘baddies’ could still be waiting between the checkpoints. So after each of the 3-4 police checkpoints we passed on the way home, we were speeding as fast as we “safely” could to make sure we weren’t followed. I was glad the driver felt very competent and I felt safe even though we were going up to 180km on city roads, and running red lights! I know it sounds extreme, but when you’re considering what you are trying to avoid, it definitely felt safer for us to speed!! We used the car as our weapon. Once we believed we were followed after the last checkpoint, thankfully nothing happened. Other than this problem when traveling at night, I was completely at ease.

- On the positive side, when I arrived by bus back to Accra from Kumasi, I could not be picked up from the bus terminal. I had to find my own way!! Picture a lone, tired, young-looking female obroni, carrying a heavy, large pink suitcase and a large bulky backpack, in the middle of the night, not knowing where I was heading, and could not speak their dialect!!! I didn’t even know where or how far away the place was! The person meant to pick me up was not at all worried about what I was about to do, and trusted his fellows. I knew about the robbery and kidnapping epidemic, so obviously I was freaking out and wanted to cry!!! Praying, and using some street-smart, I asked the bus driver to help me (he was religious, prayed before we started our journey, and played gospel songs the whole 6hr trip). He found a taxi driver; told me how much I should be charged (I asked him earlier so I could negotiate); and he convinced the taxi driver to not take advantage of the situation. Then the taxi driver took his directions over the phone and off we went. The whole trip (30-45mins) I was making casual conversation but my heart was in my mouth, on high alert, especially when we passed some dark, ghetto-hood streets to avoid traffic, but we were the only vehicle passing there!! He said if we stuck to main roads, I’d be in the taxi with him at least another hour. When I started recognizing the streetscape (2mins to our destination) I almost hugged and kissed the taxi driver (Frankie) out of gratitude!!! I was extremely relieved! I gave him much more than the agreed fare, plus all my coins. We were both happy!!

- People used to always give rides to hitchhikers, but fear of robbers made them stop. We gave a ride 5 times, even though we were strictly told not to!... First ride was to 2 school girls going home, on our way to the beach. If they walked, their little feet would have taken them hours to get home! The rest of the hitches were up to/from Northern Ghana, also to people whom would have had to walk hours to get to their destination. Of course we risk-assessed, we were far from home! But I loooooved that we did, and found out so much about various people’s lives this way. I made their day too apparently coz some of them have never seen or spoken to an obroni before. So when we dropped them off, their neighbours saw them and would chat/gossip about it. Cute funny!

- We chatted to 2 teenagers we gave rides to. They lived very, VERY simple lives. The next town was like another country to them. Both didn’t know how old they were. The girl was asked why she didn’t ask her mother, she said it wasn’t important. IT WASN’T IMPORTANT!! Wow…. Her statement (reflecting her life) struck me. The boy was so hugely-built, obviously from manual labour. He was so grateful for the ride home (he would have had to walk approx 8hours to get to town, where he can get a ride to go home) he was giving us the yams he was going to sell in the market for free! What they didn’t know was that we were grateful to them because they can confirm we were heading the right direction….

- Ghanaians have no concept of time. They say, “I’ll be there in 15mins” but arrive 1-2hours later, and not apologize for being late. (Hahahah! I mentioned in my previous blog, I think African and Asian cultures are very similar.) Also, it doesn’t seem to matter if they are in Ghana or overseas, some still follow this… habit.

- I realised Ghana was an off-the-beaten-track country for most people to visit. Even my Ghanaian friends did not believe I was going to their country until I actually bought my ticket! When tourists think of Africa, they go to Morocco, Egypt, South Africa or a safari trip in East Africa. Not Ghana. But Ghana is also beautiful, rich in culture, and very safe (albeit many travel vaccinations and precautions beforehand, which applies to most of Africa). It’s a pity that the country is not being actively promoted as a tourism destination, especially when the African Cup was held there. I didn’t see any advertisement/promotion about the Cup or Ghana outside the country.

- Talking of ads, I was on TV, hahahah! I was interviewed in my full Ghana get-up during one of the soccer matches. A few people recognized me. It was really fun to get into the spirit of SOCCER. It took over the whole nation!

- Ghanaians love to talk about politics and soccer.

- Ghanaians are very… passionate… when expressing their emotions, usually with a loud voice and lots of body/hand movements. One hot day I was left inside a car blocking many buses way out of a terminal. We were disrupting flow of business there, which was already chaotic! We were told to park there by the way, to pick up a package. Imagine lonely me, in yet another tense situation. It quickly got to a point where after about 10mins of tension, the hot-headed men surrounded the car (at least 20), shouting and likely cursing in their dialects, hitting/slapping the windows and the hood, trying to open the doors!! I managed to speak to someone in English after telling everyone I will only speak to him (he was the ONLY one telling another guy to calm down, so I quickly pointed to him to ask if he spoke English), worked out the problem, and quickly asked him to move the car for me! Now, I would have moved the car myself, but it was manual, and the place was packed bumper to bumper full of people, goods and vehicles (buses, trucks, vans, cars)!! One bunny hop from neutral to first gear, I definitely would have hit someone or something, which was the last thing I wanted to do there. I was glad the keys were left in the ignition! The funny thing was, as soon as I was having a conversation to the guy in English, everyone (everyone!!!) went quiet and listened and even smiled/laughed in agreement! Like they weren’t ready to kill me 30 seconds ago!! Then it was dealt with, so people went their own way. Just then the driver arrived with the package in his hand and took me away from the awful (awful!!) place (after I thanked the other guy). It took us more than 1hour to drive in and out of a street that was only approx 100metres long!! It was a hair-raising, crazy experience!! It shows that the culture is just very vocal/expressive, but afterwards things are not taken to heart, unless what was said was very offending of course. Another African-Asian similarity, talking like they are fighting, but you look at their faces they are actually joking and laughing! Africans tend to be much louder in volume though, and they can talk like this anywhere and with anyone. Asians tend to be this loud only in private settings like at home or amongst close friends.

- Not all Blacks are big built and well-muscled. A lot of them are like Chris Rock, short and/or lanky. A lot of them had big guts too, even when they were slim or fitness fanatics. I was told it’s the result of diet or alcohol. I cheekily brought the idea that maybe it’s their physique/general structure (‘cause I’ve never seen regular gym/fitness fanatics with big guts), heheheh! This speculation of course did not sell well. Hahahah! *wink*

- My kindest experiences from locals (not family/friends of people I traveled with) were from areas not corrupted by commercialism and tourism. They were just genuine, willing to help and trying to make an honest living. This is the main reason I LOVE staying away from the high-rise buildings and main cities. Locals become more laid back and less opportunistic in the little villages or non-touristy areas. However comparing this trip to all my travels to other countries, in Ghana I faced the least touts, scams, and people trying to take advantage of my being foreigner. As I keep saying, the people of Ghana are the treasure of the country. It should be one of the main reasons why one is to visit the country.

- My happiest moment was during the trip back to Kumasi from Mole National Park (where i saw a lot of wild animals such as elephants, warthogs, apes, deers, roebucks, etc... metres away or right next to me, while we walked around the reserve).

- People are scared of voodoo. This could be one of the reasons why people are very, very religious. The services are fun and vibrant. Singing, especially at the start of the service, usually goes on for an hour with people animatedly dancing along! Be prepared to hear songs of praise complete with loud microphones, drums, bass, and anything else that makes music at all hours of the day AND NIGHT, NOT ONLY ON SUNDAYS!! Thank God for my ear plugs! My problem was (and I’m sure others must have felt the same way at one point) it was hard to sleep once you heard them or are woken up by them. I know they are proudly praising but I believe some of them have lost the plot. They’ve crossed the line where they forgot to be considerate of their neighbours and instead creating noise. Some churches close to each other seemed to compete on who could make the loudest praise by trying to overwhelm the other with their musical instruments, singing/shouting and microphones, all in full blast!! They are so loud that it was hard to hear yourself think or concentrate on the preaching, especially if the service you attended started earlier so the other churches were still singing while the pastor talked. Sometimes the pastors talked over each other too, with their microphones in full volume. I say God knows what’s in their hearts. God can see their pride. The ‘praisers’ should be aware that by overdoing their intentions they are instead giving the religion a bad image, removing people’s right to enjoy their peace (esp during sleeping times) and lack of Christian unity.

- On weekends, the whole country suddenly starts sprouting locals wearing traditional black (and red) clothing. As a tourist, if you are not familiar, it could feel quite freaky. This is their funeral/wake garb, and funerals are fun events for them, to celebrate the life of the deceased!! So the locals are actually out to party!

- The mosquitoes tried to eat me alive!! They were absolutely lethal! No amount of heavy duty tropical insect repellent could keep them away from me! I still have scars, especially all over my legs. As soon as it was 6pm, they swarmed. I was very thankful I never contracted malaria, which is a common sickness in Ghana, treated like it’s only a simple flu. I stress the importance of taking preventative medications. Ghana is in the “high risk malaria belt”. Malaria is not like dengue fever where you can avoid areas where dengue carrying mosquitoes are (dirty still water, puddles, etc). Malaria carrying mosquitoes are everywhere, no matter how clean the place was, as soon as night struck and sometimes even before daybreak. The only way to avoid them was to keep them outside homes.

- Aids/HIV…. Ghana was one of the first countries to introduce safe sex and condoms to its people. People are very aware of the epidemic within Africa. NO COUNTRY WORLDWIDE is free of people sick from Aids/Hepatitis C/HIV. Ghana apparently has one of the smallest percentage of reported Aids/HIV/HepC? cases in Africa/the world.

- Not everyone lived in mud huts. I never stayed in one and only saw them in rural areas. I was surprised when people kept asking me this! There were plenty of enormous and majestic houses; big compounds and tall gates. Houses were built with cement bricks, glass, wood, and even marble!! My room and bed were always huge!


- It is normal for people to share a bowl or plate of stew or soup, and eat with their RIGHT hands. They know how to use cutlery. But traditional dishes seemed tastier to eat with our hands, so I continuously did it even though I was burning my fingers, especially with the soup.





++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++






First 10 I Will Miss After Leaving Ghana

  • Aunt Elizabeth’s fufu with soup

  • Aunt Rose’s freshly baked bread with cheese

  • Auntie Nana’s salted rice with spicy stew when I had the munchies

  • Bojo Beach

  • La Tawala (seaside chop bar where I kept having grilled fish, yum!)

  • Strawberry aperitif

  • Kele wele with ginger

  • Eating fresh coconut and drinking its juice almost daily

  • Golden Spark

  • Not working

Saturday, January 05, 2008

My First Tens In Ghana

First 10 Favourite in Ghana

  • Ghanaians – they are definitely the warmest, friendliest, most welcoming people I have ever met during my travels. I love it here because of them!
  • My friend – I feel so myself around her, talking freely and asking candidly, all the time with a good sense of humour. She’s a beautiful woman, and interesting to watch
  • My friend’s very sweet 5-year old son (especially when we are dancing or drumming or hugging)
  • Sleeping in my own room, having a huge bed (both in Accra and Kumasi)
  • Hiking up Exercise Hill at least 3 times, doing better than I expected
  • Papayas and coconuts
  • Ceiling fans
  • Riding tro tros several times
  • Kingsgate chocolate – made with Ghana’s world famous cocoa
  • Ofori Aonponsa’s songs (which is being played continuously, a little overkill)

First 10 I Miss in Ghana

  • Beautiful and Delightful
  • Vegetables (not mashed to put into soup or stew)
  • Leather sandals – I ruined the jeweled slippers I wore up and down with everything… now my feet feel lost.… Hoping to buy a replacement soon, but I think I won’t have any luck here in Africa (surprisingly enough)
  • Party clothes and shoes – I packed to give away at least half my clothes and shoes, the other half comfortable for active outdoor activities… so it doesn’t leave much for nightlife (I always forget this part of the trip, heheheh)
  • Sometimes, using cutlery
  • Swimming pools
  • Breakfast cereals with cold milk
  • Listening to my music (most left in Oz), I’m getting bored of what’s in my laptop
  • SNOW!! – I’m going to miss out snowboarding this season too!!! Or only be able to go once!! Dang dang dang!
  • My delight’s meow

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Akwaaba

Here I am, here I am!! Finally here at last! The start of my dream to travel within Africa.

I organized this trip to Ghana before leaving home - to meet up (in London) with my friend from Australia and together we head to Kumasi for Christmas and New Year. I ended up going to USA for Thanksgiving etc, cutting short the trip by approximately 1 month. Then I spent Christmas in London (24-27Dec). Now I’m about to celebrate New Year’s in Kumasi.

  • Arrived at night, in 28’Celsius weather, in Accra
  • I likened the place to Asia – hot weather, polluted, dusty, rich and poor are mixed, friendly welcome, road rules are not followed, people ask for things, cost of living is expensive (comparable to overseas) especially for the locals. Differences are the roads are less developed here but the traffic seems less chaotic, not as many motorbikes and bicycles on the road.
  • Sellers balancing their wares on their heads
  • No skyscrapers (I was told the tallest building in Ghana overall may only be 30 floors)
  • People dancing carefree in a street where we drove by
  • Feeling happy after being told someone will take me to the local markets tomorrow morning (didn’t work out)
  • Home-cooked dinner, yum!
  • Drinking water!!
  • Worrying a little about not having malaria tablets, expecting it to be waiting for me when I arrive (flashbacks of my hospitalization in Asia, something I do not want to experience here), especially as I could feel mosquitoes biting me, a bite on my cheek is already swelling, and I’m going to be walking around the market tomorrow morning
  • Feeling better after confirmation I only have to worry about mossie bites at night (so hopefully there wont be any in the market), although tonight is still a concern (heheheh) and I really did not want to push my luck
  • I need malaria tablets, insect repellent, mossie air spray, simcard, and local currency!
  • Getting in touch with my friend from Australia to let her know I arrived safely and will be with her soon (after working out which bus I will catch, so she knows where to pick me up)
  • Showering without hot water, and enjoying it after getting over the initial cold shock
    I couldn’t see the stars, but I tried to sleep just before midnight listening to crickets and dogs barking/howling
  • Trying to get used to the feeling that something is biting me (I saw very little mosquitoes fly across my computer screen, it was likely to be them)
  • Sleeping feeling the soft blow of the wind, natural air keeping me cool
  • Waking up 4am to cocks crowing, night chirps, barks, and general activities outside the house at this time of the day
  • Now turning off my computer (5.30ish), so I can try to go back to sleep, and peacefully enjoy the moment, waking up 7am.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

First 10 Favourites In East Coast USA


  1. Seeing and spending time with my niece, nephew, siblings and dad

  2. Attending my dad's #0th birthday

  3. Seeing the stars at night again! (I couldnt see them in London!)

  4. Autumn - multicoloured leaves on trees and the ground; leaves crunching when stepped on; the wind blowing these leaves everywhere; morning frost; and the slight chill I can feel on my nose, eyes and cheeks when a cooler wind blows past.

  5. Watching my dad rake leaves coz "he's playing" (not letting me help)

  6. Confirming my realisation that I dont need to cry

  7. Home-cooked meals

  8. Reese's ice cream

  9. Snowflakes falling lightly on my face and melting softly from my warmth

  10. The prospect of feeling and finding love

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Fear (and the triggers behind it)

I used to be fearless. I am anxious of a lot of things (a lot of things!!!!), but it never stops me from doing and trying out things, after issues such as safety and how much I want (to do) them were worked out. I also like to test my limits, most of the time surpassing them. There is a creepy-crawly I hate, which could make me feel faint, but I don’t fully fear it. I know how to keep my wits together when I see it, albeit some shrieking ;-). I have such a curiosity and zest to try out different experiences that I act in spite of my worries. Naturally, I hate it when other people’s fears and limitations are thrown at me, especially when they mention it while I am doing the activity at the time!

Still, I realized I have developed (or am developing) a fear I cannot, yet, overcome… a fear of being married. To me (ideally) marriage is absolute, a loving and positively affecting long-term relationship. I’m all for love, very capable of giving it unconditionally, can stay loyal and faithful, committed, inspiring and supportive while we are together. I also obviously expect it in return. So I am careful (I think, I thought…) in choosing my life partner. My recent experience confirmed, instead of refute, my apprehensions….

I was with my partner for more than a decade. I was happy to continue on as we were, thinking our relationship hardwork because of our differences and imperfections, but very much loving and strong to last our lifetime. He’s always wanted more – marriage then children. I wanted them too, but he/we weren’t yet stable, busy primarily chasing his dreams. I think one of the reasons for our breakdown was stagnancy. Initial actions/goals/plans took too long to eventuate, so everything else that was equally important (my dreams, marriage, starting a family, etc) after it, were continuously discussed, but kept at a standstill.

Anyway, we thought it was time to marry. We’ve been talking of it for several years. We decided to elope, to do a beach wedding, or a plain civil ceremony. To make the story short, while on holiday in an island overseas with friends, on the spur of the moment, we ended up exchanging vows. It was a simple, elegant event.

Our ceremony was not legal. We did not meet all the requirements. We decided it was irrelevant, as we knew we were committed to each other (married in the eyes of God), so we planned to marry again (to abide to the law of the land) by civil ceremony in our country.

More than a year later, (a blessing in disguise) we still weren’t legally married. I don’t think it became an issue between us, as it made no difference to us/me. However, I was very uncomfortable pretending to be married (I hate! lying). I felt like a hypocrite, especially to my close friends – they knew my strong views about marriage and how comfortable I was of never being married – but I kept the pretence as it was important to my partner. Some people also seemed to deem it important, as they reacted more accommodating… or welcoming… after hearing we were married or seeing the ring on my finger (weird… stupid… but that was how it was. If inclined, I can write another unfavorable blog on this topic).

Then personal issues and extreme differences became more apparent, especially after our unexpected (long) separation while he chased his dreams and I kept our home-life together. Treatment became different (more noticeable or less acceptable); and actions/inactions very hurtful and disappointing. We/I realised we/I cannot become the right person for the other/him. Sadly, eventually the boundless and unconditional love we said we had for each other was not enough to keep us together as life partners, but enough to keep us as friends/family.

I’m thankful now we weren’t legally married. I’m thankful now not adopting and having children together. It made breaking our ties straightforward, no lawyers or divorce needed. After we work out our remaining responsibilities, we both can hopefully start over again smoothly.

…Anyway, at this time, I fear anything leading to a serious relationship, especially marriage, because it means long-term plans with my chosen man. The thought of loving someone as much (if not the same or more); continuous compromises and having to consider someone else (again) with every decision I make, makes me feel faint, like I cannot breathe. Ask me to marry… and I become quite phobic, feel suffocated and literally get cold feet. Most times it’s funny, I laugh at myself. Other times I think it is sadly neurotic, the downside of being strongly independent.

I do not like being this way. But I also do not care to be as giving to my next partner (unfortunately for him) in the immediate future. It’s time for “me” to be the priority now. For a long time it was “we”, “him” and “them”. Once I felt I have taken care of my dreams and my needs, only then would I love to be proven wrong - that there is a man out there who could make me say “YES” when he formally proposes. A man I would happily marry. The man I would willingly submit to, as he also willingly surrenders to me, as I surrender to him. My absolute.

Maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be ready. Or maybe I really just haven’t found the right man. As always, I leave it in God’s hands… I’m sure with a little leap of faith from me when/if the time comes.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

What's in Door Number Two?

(Part II)

How can anyone match more than a decade of honeymoon? A love that was true and deep?

The fact that it could not hold a couple together (other irreconcilable differences got in the way) was a blowing disappointment, making the prospect of spending life with someone you love (and loves you back as intensely) "forever" seem bleak.

I am sure there are quality men out there still. I am optimistic. Whether my heart will leap for them is unpredictable. I was blessed with a wonderful partner whom set a very high standard. I mentioned in an earlier blog some of my considerations. I expect my next alpha male to have similar considerations.

Im not looking for a perfect man, there is no such thing. But I believe men around my age should be at a stage in his life, where he is improved from 5 years ago, and the 5 years before that. So those stuck in a time warp, or still have not made (or have not tried making) something of themselves loses alpha points. As we are long past our teen years, someone who is still unsure of what they want to do in life, or still have not done much in life (just let time pass him by)... is just not someone I can see myself getting (or staying) attracted to.

Being self-made, I am happy with the person I have become. I am proud of what I have achieved. It's natural for me to want to be with someone who feels the same self-pride, and has the same strength. Someone who can show me now the type of life and values to expect from him if we are to spend our life together, and how we can have fun positively affecting each other. I dont get attracted to "lost puppies", as I do not need the validation of how good a partner I am by being the reason a man has become a "man". Not because I dont want to put in the work. More because the outcome may still be a man not compatible to my needs.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Horoscope For The Day

"Dorothy learned a valuable lesson while in Oz about not looking quite so far away to find something she was looking for. The message to you now is very similar. You think something or someone is unattainable or that considerably more effort will be needed to even get close. On this occasion, you're wrong."

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Sick of London... but it still has a lot to offer me....

I've been very busy with work here.

I'm sad and teary when I get a moment to reflect, so it's very good that I am busy.

I've had many moments where I had to use all willpower to stop myself from crying - from my eyes watery while walking, talking to friends, or riding public transport; to while Im alone and tears have fallen and I had to pull myself together so I dont fall into depression. My heart feels broken, but my spirit is strong.

Lots of good friends, mainly "transit friends", they're either leaving or fairly new like me. Everyone eventually heading off somewhere.

Having lots of fun when work doesnt take those times. Salsa dancing lessons one of my favourites.

I finally found a guy who can dance with me (regardless of music) here in London! And Im having heaps of fun dancing with others with the same interest.

Trying to save money so I can actually travel. Im earning more back in Australia, and cost of living is MUCH higher in London. Add to that financial responsibilities back home, it doesnt leave me much to play with.

I crave for outdoor activities, boxercise, bikeriding, the beach, "100% safe feeling" male companionships, rest, hours of hugs and kisses, sex sensuality etc, fine things, peace and quiet, "my harem" or posse of athletic and gorgeous fun male workmates, my kittycat, and being treated like a queen.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

My First 10 Favourites in Germany

1. Seeing my friend and her pets! Getting to know her more, and her friends

2. Nuernberg & Regensburg

3. Time spent at Birthday Party, Day After Party, Bogart's and Biggie's Place

4. Wehr bread

5. Learning how to make bread in a proper bakery

6. Bike rides to and from the Alstadt

7. Learning how to speak German

8. Shisha

9. Trying on tradional clothings with Biggie

10. Walking around Wurzhburg for a few hours and Frankfurt overnight on my own











Friday, August 24, 2007

Whatta Man Whatta Man Whatta Man What A Mighty Good Man

(Part 1)

I’ve had many conversations with both male and female friends about what a perfect or near perfect partner could be. Most times the “criteria” discussed seriously, other times hilariously.

The following always gets mentioned:
  • Good sense of humour
  • …That’s it really! From here it goes to different directions!

Things That Make Me Go, “Ooooohhh!”

Physical

  • Good hygiene. Hahahah! It’s true! If a guy can’t keep himself clean (after messing about) or can stand not showering/brushing his teeth for days, I can’t help thinking the lack of self-care can be a sign of lack of care towards me.
  • Great body – not huge, just toned and fit - athletic. I don’t mind bulges on the side (once there, they hard to remove, I know), but I cringe at beer guts!! I love a well-muscled rear. Again, it’s about having self-pride (not cocky!). If he is treating his “temple” well, I see it as a sign of him knowing what’s important (him and his health) and he is capable of taking care of himself so the responsibility does not get passed on to me. Instead we can busy ourselves with other things, and have the energy to do them, because we have “well maintained” bodies and spirit.
  • Confidence. There’s something about the way a man carries himself. Casual ease, knowing how to look good wearing the simplest gear, or the more dapper attires. Or feeling comfortable being seen in public while he is not fully ‘made up’. I do get attracted to someone who has a really good sense of style and colours, someone who dresses up and takes some care in putting together what he is going to wear. Being confident but wearing mix-matched clothes and not pulling it off, is silently laughable to me.
  • I have a habit of looking at how they treat their feet; it’s the most neglected part. I think it's sexy when a man has well-maintained feet.

Sexual

  • Anything goes… I’m not gonna write it here! Some things are better kept a mystery, hahahah!
  • Someone who is exclusive to me completely.
  • Someone not afraid to show his emotions, don’t see it as a weakness.
  • Someone who knows how to show his love, not just speak it.

Mental/Psychological/Spiritual

  • I need a man who can handle my strength, or else he won’t know what has hit him! I’m fun, but a little (a lot?) hard to handle. Im a woman of strong actions, accepting of the consequences of my situations and decisions, aiming to always be happy, healthy and taken care of. I hope to spend my life with someone who will compliment (and appreciate) these values.
  • I get attracted to men whom aspires, or may love where they were at already but likes to set themselves little/bigger challenges just because they can.
  • Someone who while aiming high, knows how to smell the roses, don’t take things for granted, live in the moment, not forgetting what’s important in life – his faith/dreams, himself, his partner, his family/ies, his business, and then his friends.
  • Someone who loves to give, more than take, to his partner. Someone whom after several years is still giving more than taking from his partner.
  • Someone who accepts the consequences of his decisions (and situations), learn from successes/failures/obstacles, and move on, or continue on. I do not like 'victim mentalities'.
  • Someone who is not afraid to try, or not limit his partner because of his inability to try.
  • Someone who loves to surprise me. Someone willing to try out things, coz I bore easy.
  • Someone who will treat me well, as well if not better, than he treats himself (but not neglecting himself in the process).
  • I think.... it'll be hard for a man to keep my interest (to more than fun, friendship, or a serious relationship) if he is not, eehhh... more than me, or if he cannot at least match me. I can see myself feeling discontent with a man who just lives life weekly/monthly with no/little sense of purpose, goal or improvement, uninspiring, or "life-lazy/boring". Coz i'd rather be single than settle into something that might restrict my... spirit, personality and freedom (zest for life). I fear it.... I hope my heart chooses well.
  • I'm not interested in changing a man, or asking a man to change for me - those are all up to him. I look at the essence of the man, to appreciate his positives and acknowledge his negatives (and work out if they are traits I am willing to accept).

Financial/General

  • Every woman, even if they don’t fully admit to it, wants a man who can provide - now and in the future. They hope they wont fall in love with someone without savings, bad spending habits, living paycheck to paycheck, or on loans and credit cards. It shows either the man's lack of positive financial direction, or possible inability to provide for a family (if he is already struggling to provide for himself). If the man and woman's financial status is the same, then they can work on improving it together (Im stressing improving each other here). But if not, one of them is pulled down, unless the other is a much higher earner willing to pull the other up. How long the other will be willing to take on this responsibility may test the relationship, especially if the other takes it for granted and/or dont show improvements.
  • Women want to be taken care of! Some women are capable of taking care of ourselves, with nest eggs. Some want to maintain that independence throughout her lifetime, others in varying levels of dependency to her man (eg, have the option of not working). Most of us dont make a big deal of it, but we like having the option available for us to take.
  • I am not attracted to a man who “talks more than walks”. I also don’t like slow actions. As I consider myself strong and a confident (and smart) risk taker, people/men who take their time, when actions should already have been taken, frustrates me.
  • Don't like someone who complains, and complains... and complains! But don't do anything about the situation!! There will always be a reason why things cant be changed, so if it can't be changed, or the man doesn't want to change it, then stop blabbing about it!! Accept your decision to put up with it! Stop playing the 'victim' of your circumstances. A person is only a continuous victim because the message you put across on how others should treat you, is that they can do it to you. If you dont like it, be proactive and change it, or shut up! Hahahah! When people do this I switch off or stop it, and if it continues, I step away. I'm a nice and accepting person, but this can make me lose my patience. It's a definite turn-off from a man, less acceptable for me than if done by a woman. Continuous complaining, especially about nonsensical issues, is just as worse as nagging - nothing but verbal diarrhoea. Blah blah blah! Hahahah!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Life Moving On In London

Still mixed feelings about London. But Im learning to appreciate its cultural and ambient offers. It helps that it has been sunny especially this weekend, and I live close to Picadilly Circus which seem to be one of the main hubs of activity here.

Referring back to my last blog - after writing about a dream profession, I was asked to work where after I handed envelopes to shareholders, I just socialised; looked pretty; ate canapes, hor d'ourves, olives; and drank (avoided the wine though, self-imposed ban). They even gave me a chauffered ride home afterwards.

Life is still simple. But I have been enjoying emptying my bank account to dine out (hit and miss with foods), enjoy desserts and drinks, pay for club entrance fees, and to watch ballet (Bolshoi! La Bayadere). It brought normalcy to my life.

Still, the best things in London life were free. The sun on my skin while sitting at an outdoor cafe in Covent Garden; a busker playing his saxophone in the background; random eye contacts and smiles from strangers; casual walks at night; meeting possible friends; carefree dancing; and people watching. I also managed to watch a play and a movie for free! Vegemite Tales ticket was given to me by my recruitment agency. A waiter in Chinatown just handed me 4 movie tickets for Hostel II.

I like my roommates, we have our own quirks, but so far so good. My relationships, especially with my female roommates, Im appreciating. I just realised we are all really interesting (can even say dynamic characters/personalities) in different ways. Even our looks are diverse! One blonde, one redhead, one (am I brunette?)... me. Must be fun to observe us...? I also have a nicely developing relationship with a girlfriend and a boyfriend here, chatting away our issues, discussing things with much candour, amusement, honesty, respect and heart. I have a feeling we are kindred spirits. With London life, everyone being here kind of in transit, it's hard to gauge (coz we do latch on to people), but I think them two will stay in my life for a long time :-)... hehehe, soppy stuff.

I start my contract work this week. I had a flooding of job offerings last week. Two of the companies I wanted to work for especially, both in the sporting industry. One deals with one type of sport (opening a headquarters here, more business-like), the other deals with all types of sport you can place a bet on (settled company with a very casual culture, I love it). Both would give me a chance to travel and maybe be given free passes to sporting events. I chose the first one where I have to work harder, with a longer contract. The company profile is impressive, I hope I do well.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Real Life (Outside the Box)

Alright, alright! Here it is as requested, update on my 'real' London life!!!

Let me think.... I finished my last temp role on Friday, may be needed tomorrow night... other than that Im jobless as of today. There are lots of jobs, but Im choosy (and half-heartedly looking), coz I can still afford to be choosy (and not work). Or can I really? The trips Im planning in November and next month will cost me a little bundle... a bundle I dont know if I have. Especially since my savings/earnings are being eaten, at the moment, by someone else's expenses overseas. I should really worry about it, at least regarding earning to pay for my rent and spending money. I talk about it, mainly coz there's not much other topics to talk about, but I dont sweat it, yet. Am I in denial? Confident of the future? Or self-destructive? I dont know... I dont care, yet.

My dream profession at the moment, being a professional party goer. Someone who gets paid to party, converse, socialise, look good, etc etc etc. I realised my skills are too varied and 'outside the box' for here. I understand now what my colleagues whom did working holiday before me meant. I may be sought after in my organisation and well thought of, but for temporary and contract work (a visa rule, technically I cant apply for better permanent roles) here, they prefer someone whom travelled a straighter career line. Oh well....

Life is much much simpler. One makes do with very little, or nothing. It gets frustrating, but after a little vent, I move on. For example, I miss my favourites and luxuries back home - watches/footwear/clothes/jewelleries, kittycat, bicycle, footspa, body massage, bigger fridge, fresher vegetables, meat pies, aussie burgers (with beetroot), vietnamese soup and bread rolls, my own space, herbal teas, going out for a non-alcoholic drink, wining AND dining (people here dont eat!), nature, quiet surrounds, rockclimbing, and sleeping peacefully.

I have mixed feelings about London. Its a huge city but it closes early. Very few places stay open late on a weeknight. But when alive, it is really buzzing! There's so many shops, arts, galleries, museums and theatres. There are definitely a lot of pubs, drinking is very much the culture here. I havent the chance to sample a lot of the restaurants, bars/clubs yet, pending a stable job. I have seen a few I'd love to try out. Theatre shows are expensive. I think tomorrow I will queue up for a half-price ticket. I havent met anyone yet genuinely interested, or can afford to see shows like 39 Steps, Les Miserables, concerts etc. So I have to just watch on my own, which I already expected.

Yes, Im having the same problem I had in Australia. There's just no one out there/here who would want to have a full hot breakfast at a cafe or at home, to bicycle in the morning if not having a lazy morning, then watch an afternoon play, afterwards play african drums in the afternoon, to wine and dine with a friend or a group, walk along the pier, sit by the park bench or on the grass, maybe go to a concert or a movie at night, then head back home with things bought along the way from the market like cheeses, crackers, olives, sundried tomatoes, flowers, dips, to crash in bed contented of the day's event ;-). Life full of 'outside the box' surprises and/or contented moments, away from TV. Hence why I feel alone at times. But like the energetic trooper that I am, I take it on the chin and do what I like, like lie down in bed or go to the park, or walk for hours with a map trying out different routes to get lost.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Piss Fit

My alcohol intake has gone through the roof.

I drink, maybe to tipsy stage, once or twice every 2months. I like to sip-taste wines, enjoying a nice glass occasionally. I also like to try out different mixes, more because I love watching the cocktails being made. One of my weaknesses is tequila with lemon and salt, enjoying endless shots with friends.

Hard drinking for me meant having up to 2 drinks every week. Here in London, I just drank several months worth of alcohol in the past 10 days. I lost count. Im always at least tipsy, even on a work night. Heck, Im at work now, and I dont know if I feel fatigued from drinking or still have alcohol running in my veins.

Monday night, I crashed. Tired from the night before (a few hours sleep and drinks), little food in my tummy, worked, sleepy, tired and hot, I mixed drinks (wine plus something with coke). I couldnt stand up/still. The room was definitely spinning. Didnt go home until morning, so I could shower, nap, get change and go to work.

Last night, after working for 9.5hours, I fully intended to rest (not drink and catch up on sleep). Spent time with my roomie (took a sip of his red wine to taste), watched TV and planned an awesome trip together, which I really hope I can do!! Another roomie arrived and joined us, then I had a glass of red. I couldnt resist, it tasted nice.

Took a shower after midnight, couldnt sleep until past 1am. After shower, I had another red in front of me. This time just sipped it, listened instead to Antonio Carlos Jobim on my laptop. Left the red wine on the table. Slept soundly until past 7am.

I'm pretty sure I will be drinking again tonight. How much and how long I'll stay up, I dont know. I like it (my current lifestyle). You should see the huge grin on my face now while I reflect. Mentally noting to keep my drunken states to weekends.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Barefooting

Today was a hot saturday. Feeling bored at home, I decided to do nothing outside (instead of nothing inside). Map/keys/travel card in my bag, ipod in my ears, phone in my pocket. Destination forward.

Usually I like hearing what's going on around me. It's my way of feeling the ambiance of the place, enjoying the moment. This time music was blaring in my ears and I just walked. I realised I wanted to be alone.

I ended up in Kensington Gardens. It was such a huge park. I liked that I got lost. I took my shoes off and walked barefoot for at least an hour on the grass. It felt great. I was completely immersed in my own world. It wasnt enough, I laid down on the grass, stared at the trees and the blue skies, breathed deeply and dozed.

Much later, I was woken up by the smell of marijuana. Someone decided to sit close to me and light up. Of all the vacant spaces in the park, they had to choose where I was. Refusing to be pissed off, I sat up and tried to find my bearings.I had no clue where I was, but I knew I did not step out of the park. Asked for general directions from some group practicing soccer. Then continued walking lazily on the grass, runners held in one hand.

I must have needed the quiet. It would have ended well, but when I finally had to put my shoes on to walk home, my phone fell out of my pocket. I realised it close to home, went back to where I sat down, didnt find it. Thankfully, when I rang it with my roommate's phone, someone answered and it was given back.

I've decided I will walk a lot this summer, preferably on grass. Or buy a bike to ride in the park. I stopped a man (yes... just stopped him, politely, in his tracks...) riding a folding bike. I should have taken his number, coz he was really kind and showed me the specs of his bike. He even folded it to show me how easy and light it was. Then he mentioned a sale he read about, but I couldnt remember the details. If I took his number, I would have been able to ask him again. I might stake him out next weekend... I think I know where he works... heheheh.

Next time, carpe diem.

Needs and Wants

I want:
  • Chapalas
  • Chipotle
  • Clam Chowder Bowl
  • Reese's Ice Cream!!!?
  • Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
  • Hostess' Snowballs (pink and white)
  • Hostess' Twinkies
  • Beef Jerky
  • Rootbeer
  • Sashimi
  • Japanese or Thai curries
  • Curried chickpeas
  • Rice
  • Shapes biscuits snack (pizza and barbecue)
  • Pistacchio nuts
  • Cadbury milk chocolates
  • My cat
  • More pounds (sterling)

I need:
  • Huge, strong umbrella (little ones dont cut it here)
  • Raincoat/Plastic poncho
  • Wellies aka Gumboots
  • NI number
  • Employment
  • Lotsa pounds (sterling)

Friday, June 29, 2007

More Bombs

Since my last post, we had an attempted bombing prevented closeby on Friday around 1am. The smoke coming out of the vehicle was noticed by an ambulance officer while attending to a call for a person falling ill, and reported it to authorities. Then during the day, 2-3 more were responded to. I was watching tennis in Wimbledon and having home-cooked dinner with friends from Melbourne (P&J cooked for me and B at their parents' place) while these chaos were happening.

Today, I heard all flights were cancelled from Heathrow Airport, due to more bomb threats. I heard a vehicle with 2 people tried to bomb Glasgow Airport. I was walking around Notting Hill's Portobello Market and trying on clothes in the H&M store in my neighbourhood (both walking distance).

It seems London is currently on high alert.... People are worried about a bomb going off next to them. Im not affected. Not scared at all. How it affects me, I really dont care.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Lonely in London

Im in London now. Lots of people. The place is buzzing. I feel... happy... lonely.

I already made friends, and currently living with 6 other people. My accommodation is also worked out for now. Still no work. I can get temp work straight away, paying minimum wage, but I decided to not work while my friend is here. Might start next Tuesday.

I am yet to receive good service outside a supermarket. Service is rude, especially at fast food areas like Pret and McDonalds.

It's easy to get run over here. Lights blink yellow before it turns green and red. There should be enough time to get across. But it cant be done casually and peacefully. Cars are moving off while its blinking to green! If you're not already in the middle of the road, they'll toot and go very close to you!!

There has been 2 bomb scares around my street already. Someone was stabbed daily, last count was 14. My friend said London is becoming dangerous. Something to look forward to....

Had fun watching Aerosmith... LIVE!!!! In really crappy rainy cold summer weather! It was soooh London! Jet and Joe Satriani also played.

I couldnt believe I was watching Aerosmith! Just before I left USA, I was watching TV about Steve and his daughter, thinking I'd really love to see a performance before they retire. Dream come true.... :-)

Everything is so expensive here, when I convert my moolah$ to pounds. I cringe everytime I have to do something coz the first thing that pops in my mind is, "how much? how *%&# much!!?". My motivation here is to SAVE to travel as much as I can. Gotta balance having an enjoyable experience in London and seeing its neighbouring countries.

My girlfriend B and I went to Primark in Oxford Street. Primark is equivalent to Target and Kmart. Clothes etc were quite cheap! I wanted to buy so many stuff. I stepped out intact, didnt buy anything :-). I dont NEED any of those things. I told myself back home to not buy "junk", continue living like a backpacker (all my belongings to fit in the suitcases I brought), especially after I saw how much stuff is waiting for us in my sister's place. Im doing well, so far....

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Life of Excess and Gigantic Proportions

Long trips from one place to another - California, Nevada and Arizona are definitely driving destinations. America is huge!

I was glad I decided to stick around in the West Coast. Spending most of my time travelling from one place to another, from West to East and back, just didnt appeal to me. I enjoyed having plenty of down time to just be a temporary local and to spent more time meeting and re-acquainting with people I visited.




... I was gonna write many postings, this has been in draft form more than a week now. Just not a priority at the moment, but trying to keep in touch. So, i'll just do it all here in dot points.



  • Hollywood etc was great to see straight away, but it was all too much. Since I dont get a kick out of all the glitz and glamour, I didnt walk around with stars in my eyes. I didnt even wait nor "snapped" stars like Jessica Alba walking on the red carpet when they arrived for their movie premiere. She/They arrived next to where I was standing, but I was outside the red carpet of course. Paparazzis and tourists were going off with their cameras, we walked away.

  • I've put on so much weight constantly eating yummy "good and bad" foods and drinking rootbeer! The loose fitting pants I mentioned in previous post, that were almost falling off me I had to use a belt, it's snug now. No belt required. My ass is already big. Thankfully the weight's decided not to go to my huge breasts coz I dont want any more up there. But dang it, does it have to go to the side, outwards, on my hips!!!? Why wont it go somewhere more proportioned to my body like... my feet, my wrists, or the back of my head??!! ;-P

  • Most meals bought were huge servings, definitely enough for 2 people. It's normal here. You'll love it, get sick of it after a while, then miss it.

  • Not a generalisation, this only happened 3-4 times, but I was called "Oriental" and "Castillian" for the first time. Ahem, not all of Asia is in the Orient, some are even considered 'Islanders'. Are all Spanish from Europe and South/Latin America, whom are not from Mexico, Castillian? Just like blacks are AFRICAN American?? This is one of the quirks I noticed about America. I found it very funny because when I questioned the validity of the term, some people couldnt comprehend. I had to control myself from stirring up those who couldnt understand. It would have been quite rude of me to do so, when most of those strangers were kind enough to make light conversations with me. I put it down to facts like they are not well-travelled, or set in their thinking - following what they heard/learned without question.

  • I loooooove love love Chipotle, but I still prefer Chapalas. I miss Chapalas and the Chowder Bread Bowl!

  • In N Out Burgers

  • San Bernardino National Park - Lake Gregory and Lake Arrowhead

  • I just realised I didnt buy any pretzels and hotdogs from the street stands....!!!!

  • Eating lotsa American, Mexican and Filipino foods

  • Plays, chats, hugs and swimming with my godchild's big brother

  • Letting a young black girl play with my hair while we were at the pool, and vice versa.

  • Teaching my godchild to stick her tongue out :-P heheheh. She got me with one look. I was glad I was there to see her at her age now, instead of older. She gave me lotsa memories about her - diarrhoea/health scare, sleep, cries, laughs, talking, playful screaming, jumping (strong legs), teething, etc.

  • My godchild also made me remember everything I know about infant first aid/CPR while we were eating at Chipotle!! She was sick a few days ago and rushed to a hospital, and given an all clear. In the restaurant though she vomited her milk twice, then while I was holding her up so her mom could change her clothing for the 2nd time, I felt her heaving strongly, stomach crunching hard, like it was doubling over!!! I asked her mom if it was normal (I really didnt know! Im not a mom!!), but mom didnt feel what I was talking about and I was vague so we left it alone. I carried my godchild and she immediately rested her head on my shoulder for the first time and I felt like flying!! I loved it coz she's never done it before. But in the midst of my happiness, I was concerned because it felt like she was slumping more than sleeping. I wasnt used to babies so I didnt want to overreact. A couple of minutes later, she vomited again!!! Vomiting 3 times in 15minutes I thought was traumatic for the child!! It was then my heart was jumped out of my skin, but I kept a calm voice and demeanor, trying not to worry my friend. Still, I kept asking if it was normal. We both didnt know what to do, but I was aware the hospitals were far, and I didnt want my friend to drive feeling panic. I assessed my godchild, she wasnt heaving anymore, just looked tired. Plus we didnt have a cellphone to let her husband know what was happening. So I suggested we go where we were meeting her family, at the children's dental clinic close by. Acting all calm but continuously assessing my godchild, wondering if I made the right suggestion, we headed there. My godchild fell quickly to sleep and I worried she fainted!! Mom was in front driving! I was in the back next to the baby seat! I felt like crying!! I checked her heartbeat, breathing, behaviour, doing it repeatedly to make sure I was reading the signs right, told her mom she was fine. Poor baby was so tired from vomiting she decided to sleep peacefully. But her auntie kept bumping her trying to suss out if she would react!!! :-) By the time we got to the dental clinic I was more convinced (but still panic) that she was fine, and I knew the staff would be able to help if there was an emergency. It was there I took a breath of relief, when the baby looked recuperated from her ordeal about 10minutes later. I dont ever want to be as freaked out as I was then... ever!!! Definitely not looking forward to when my own baby will do it! But I was proud of the fact that I knew how to deal with a worse situation, which thankfully was not the case then.

  • Vegas was 120+ Fahrenheit by 10am!!! Walked around Viva Las Vegas for 2 nights, on route to and back from Grand Canyon. Didnt gamble, fell in line but missed out on "O" (oh well), walked a lot in intense night heat, eventually caught the super-cold Deuce buses to cope. No one working in Las Vegas could remember or point me out to where the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign was located. There was so much glitter and lights I forgot about the other thing Vegas was famous for - weddings!!! - until the last night when I passed the chapels heading to the Old Strip.

  • Route 66

  • Twinkies and SnowBalls (pink and white ones)!!

  • Arizona Green Tea

  • Sunset at Grand Canyon. Very nice.... Huge! The next day I did the 7am Cedar Ridge Hike - South Kaibab Trailhead. With a ranger we descended 1,140 feet (347m) below the rim on the unpaved South Kaibab Trail to Cedar Ridge. The steep and strenous 3-mile (5km) hike was not recommended for people with heart or respiratory problems or difficulty walking. Sturdy footwear and 1-2 litres of water per person was required. I was so thankful Kuya Nonoy dropped me off, even though he had to wake up very early in the morning, after driving all day, with the return trip still to worry about.

  • My gorgeous godchild growing before my eyes, and her gorgeous big brother. I became unexpectedly very attached to them. I hated leaving the kids. The whole family is wonderful. Parents are kind hearted, perfect hosts. Thank you.

  • I met their really nice friends too. I really enjoyed myself with them.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Never Spoke To A Parolee Before....

On the way back to Union Station (Los Angeles) from SLO, I had to catch a bus connecting to the Amtrak train leaving from Santa Barbara. The trip was uneventful, until I met "Romeo" (not his real name, but the name he initially gave me, which straight away I thought was not his real name because I knew he was being smooth with me). He later said he introduced himself as Romeo coz since his teens people called him it for being a "romantic".

Romeo was just released from SLO Prison/Penitentiary - I didnt even know there was one there!!??! I know his real name, initials CH (he showed me his ID), Parole ID#13234 (dont know why I remember). He just completed a 4-year term. He told me why he was imprisoned, also something about "3 strikes" and avoiding a 25-year term.

I saw him being escorted into the bus by a lady wearing what looked liked a security uniform; so I quickly scanned his hands/wrists. He wasnt wearing handcuffs so I determined he wasnt considered a threat in the bus.

I didnt scare away from him, looked him in the eye, treated him like everyone else on the bus. I figured if he was a danger, he wouldnt be allowed out with the general public. I just stayed my usual wary yet friendly self with strangers.

He didnt get the courage to talk to me until around 1 hour before we arrived at Union Station. It was a 6.5hour trip. I was wondering why he was always fluttering around my line of sight. I knew he checked me out, but I didnt realised he was doing it since our bus ride. I wasnt paying attention. He explained that he was wary of approaching me as he wasnt sure if I was only 16years old, it was hard to tell my age. He's 41 years old, if I remember correctly, but looked 10 years younger. I considered him very good looking with a nice, strong muscly-looking body. He also mentioned he was a little excited to talk to ladies, since he didnt get to see them much, while in prison.

I did sense he was more nervous to approach me. Thinking back now, he did several double takes, kept walking past, even stood close to my seat for a few minutes, before eventually talking to me. Funny that. A "huge and intimidating black guy" (a description he gave of himself) was acting unsure around little shy-looking me... :-).

As an ice breaker, he asked about my hiking shoes. Then he showed me 2 hummingbird bead necklaces which his cellmate made for him. I was completely blown away with the skill and workmanship!!!! I had to really bite my tongue to stop asking for it. I dont think Romeo would have given it to me if I asked, but I still think about it now, still wanting it. I really really really really really want it. The materials were simple but it was absolutely beautiful. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

Anyway, after we determined I was not available/interested in the first 5 minutes, we had quite an entertaining and curious conversation. He was honest from the start that he just left the prison. As I mentioned, I was never scared... a little wary of course, a natural self preservation reaction, but stayed assertive/confident. Three male conductors were also constantly passing by our carriage, and there were plenty of people on the train in broad daylight.

We talked about many topics, but mainly revolving around why Asian and Caucasian women seem to shirk away from Black men, and why American women seem to have an "attitude", unlike how I was. I said I cant speak for American women and American customs/lifestyles, but I commented on first impressions, why women react the way they do (personalities etc) and what I know of general cultural differences.

The main thing I got from our conversation was the difference in interaction between Americans of various races and Australians of various races. Also, a personal observation, too many times now, I've noticed black guys like my "strong thighs" and "butt"... (I dont know how hard Romeo looked to see it past my ass-covering jacket and very loose jeans...) hhhmmm... just felt like sharing that.... ;-P.

He talked about how when he was younger he chose his girlfriends because they were pretty or awesome in bed. It didnt lead him to much, sometimes even got him into trouble. So he is now considering a decent partner with more brains. Then he showed me some correspondences and photos he received while in prison from women in another country. The women's photos were full body shots, they were wearing only their underwear, or just their panties while covering their breast with an arm. He received the photos through a paid agency.

I laughed and told him how he was contradicting himself. Sure there could be quality exceptions in the pool of ladies available from the agency he contacted, but if he was looking for the type of ladies he mentioned to me, he was definitely looking at the wrong place. You had to see the photos to really get why I made such a statement. Since he was in prison (not exactly a catch, unless he improves himself in the future, only time will tell), with limited access to things/technology, he could only rely on those businesses/agencies to give him some hope or possibility of a female companion. We discussed supply and demand (his and the scantily clad ladies from generally conservative cultures). I also mentioned he may not be able to travel because of his parole, but if he does travel to those countries to "check out the ladies", he'd definitely have a lot of fun, as one of the many guys who travel for the sex industry.

We talked about his children, girls who are old enough to be my friends. This convinced me not to ask for the hummingbird necklaces. I assumed he was planned to give them to his daughters.

Our chats were so comfortable he also eventually informed me of his future (business) plans. I hope he pursues what we talked about. He had some good dreams/plans. He just needs to get past only talking about it, and making stupid decisions, especially since he is old enough to know better. I think I gave him a few insights to think about. I'd love to see him change his life path for the better. And apologize to Victor W from Seattle (this apology has nothing to do with his imprisonment, instead a personal thing that still bugged him)....

Near the end of our train ride he complimented 'how I was' (oozing in magnetism, sexiness and confidence of course... not exactly what he said, but this is what my HUGE head heard!! ;-)... hehehe). I guess he found it attractive. He knew we were not likely to meet again. We didnt exchange contact details, so there was no gain in stating it further. It was nice of him to make a point of mentioning it. I was embarrassed... but thankful.

What did I get from our meeting??? First, it was nice to hear that I was good in the way I clearly stated my intentions to someone, keeping the boundaries clear, for example, "I am not flirting, just teasing". I've had (and I know will continue to have) problems with my friendliness being easily misunderstood by some people as flirting. I am convinced it is dependent on how much malice or interest such people have(!??). I have been told many times before that the fault is in me, in my personality. It affected me before, but I have realised it is not true. I treated and reacted to both males and females the same way. My sense of humour was delivered the same to either gender. Secondly, that I am HOT!! Heheheh (ahem). Thirdly, now I know that not only am I confident and capable enough to handle certain situations, but I am also able to project such... strength.

Negative analysis? Only one - that I still smile too much, too overly friendly to strangers. My "passing only" smiles I've been told is eye-catching that people warm up to it quickly, even though I've already moved on. Should I do anything about it?? I dont know, it's what makes me, me!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Life in the Fast and SLO Lane

Once my passport came back with the required visa, within the space of 5 days, I hurriedly:
  • booked my ticket, waitlisted
  • said my goodbyes
  • left work (as previously organised)
  • boxed and stored my belongings
  • threw out heaps of stuff
  • sold most of our expensive appliances at dirt cheap prices
  • bought a laptop with stupid microsoft vista on it (nothing installs properly, like my webcam because I bought it before vista was introduced!) which is too much hassle when it's supposed to make things convenient for me!!!
  • changed address and/or closed accounts for utilities, telco, internet, etc
  • barely slept or had a moment's rest
  • paid for my confirmed flights, then
  • flew to California the next day, to start my trip.

Tired and restless I flew for about 16hours to LAX. I didnt sleep much in the plane, only a combined total of 2.5hours of hard earned eyeshuts. I was in Los Angeles 0955 hours, caught the bus to Union Station, then Amtrak to San Luis Obispo (SLO) where I managed a 45minutes powernap, arriving fully alert at the train station approximately 2130 hours. We did the obligatory quick tour around the city, then chatted at home.

The next day around 0730hours my friend and I headed for San Francisco, along Big Sur (Hway 101?). I bought my new Alcatraz t-shirts, walked/drove around, ate a late lunch, then headed back, arriving home around 2100 hours. Another long day. Slept like a baby.

Then I enjoyed a nice SLO life - half pretend local, half curious tourist. For those who dont know SLO, Cayucos, Los Osos, Pismo Beach and Morro Bay are along the coast, halfway between LA and San Fran. If I didnt know anyone there, I would never have gone. I was really glad I visited the area.

I dont want to write a detailed account of my experience from the time I was heading there to when I left, so I'll just give highlights or memorable moments:

  • The nice flight stewardess whom gave me an eye shade, which helped to shut up the guy sitting across the aisle whom eventually tried to flirt with me. I thought he was gay while we were having a nice introductory chat, then he became an annoying male ;-).
  • Baileys on ice for breakfast, around 4am LA time on the plane, with my new Austrian friend sitting next to me.
  • I met 2 nice ladies along the way (Michelle while waiting for my train, and another older lady in the train) with whom I had great fleeting conversations on topics related to US/Californian culture, history and geography. Only 1 family heading to Santa Barbara on the Amtrak was a little snotty, didnt waste my time on them.
  • I saw dolphins, seals, and does. One such 'bambi' freaked me out while I was bikeriding alongside cars running 55miles plus an hour, coz it jumped in the bushes next to me and I thought it was a lion!! Good thing I didnt panic! But the beachcruiser bike I was using wobbled and probably stressed the cars alongside me at the time.
  • Dorothy - nice yellow (and black) "girl" (car)
  • Poop top rocks/mountains along the coast - they looked nice :-)
  • Big Sur scenery and drive (highly recommended)
  • I never imagined California would remind me of Melbourne and The Great Ocean Road and the towns along it. All I knew of the area was San Fran and LA (busy cities). It was great to experience more laidback and mellow towns.
  • I miss Chapalas already!! :-(
  • Splash Cafe's Bread Bowl (clam chowder)
  • Saltwater taffy
  • Reese peanut butter cups!
  • Morro Bay Cinema and the hunchback ;-P
  • The beachcruiser bike lent to me - I wish I have my own!! I love it!
  • Hide and seek with Beans
  • Dogs' ears (Lola and Bernard?)
  • Walking around alone in Cayucos
  • Bikeriding alone around hilly Morro Bay (Morro Bay Rock), Los Osos and the 2 state parks next to them - Montana and Morro State Parks?? It was a very windy day.
  • Amtrak arriving 10 minutes EARLY in Los Angeles!!!!? I was told it's always late....
  • Seeing my friend and her family there waiting for me. My godchild is sooh cute!!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Sick of London... but it still has a lot to offer me....

I've been very busy with work here.

I'm sad and teary when I get a moment to reflect, so it's very good that I am busy. I've had many moments where I had to use all willpower to stop myself from crying - from my eyes watery while walking, talking to friends, or riding public transport; to while Im alone and tears have fallen and I had to pull myself together so I dont fall into depression. My heart feels broken, but my spirit is strong.

Lots of good friends, mainly "transit friends", they're either leaving or fairly new like me. Everyone eventually heading off somewhere.

Having lots of fun when work doesnt take those times. Salsa dancing lessons one of my favourites.

I finally found a guy who can dance with me (regardless of music) here in London! And Im having heaps of fun dancing with others with the same interest.

Trying to save money so I can actually travel. Im earning more back in Australia, and cost of living is MUCH higher in London. Add to that financial responsibilities back home, it doesnt leave me much to play with.

I crave for outdoor activities, boxercise, bikeriding, the beach, "100% safe feeling" male companionships, rest, hours of hugs and kisses, sex sensuality etc, fine things, peace and quiet, and being the queen.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Motorshow vs Airshow

Which one was better??....

I was given free tickets to attend these shows. I appreciate my work more during days like these. Imagine, Im paid to wander around and compete with colleagues on who can get the best giveaways!!

Serious aside, purely base observation....

The motorshow was more flash and into keeping "the image". Booth/showcase staff were a combination of the following: impeccably dressed, short skirts/tight pants, flashing cleavages/ripping muscles, a lot of blonds, tons of makeup/hair products, fake tans, young-hot-looks, old-with-power-looks. Very few people were "average". Cars were all flash, some out of reach. Lights all bright, pizazz!!! Conversations were disappointing, most had no clue what they were selling, just happily giving out giveaways like pretty robots. Some tried to sound interesting, bless them, but obviously they were hired to complete the package of the car "looking pretty", intelligence and personality were irrelevant. No fancy shows, although I gawked as usual on the Aston Martins. Without the 'best showbag' game I played with a colleague, I would have been quite bored.

The airshow was into projecting a 'get down to business' image. Suits around, trying to impress, undestandable considering one contract could equal millions. Lots of recruitment booths and technology showcases. Men in uniform everywhere but mostly old, very young, or flabby - not at all hot and fit with muscles ripping his uniform, like in the movies!!! I was very disappointed!! Initially I thought, "finally, the place will have a higher ratio of good looking men than women". I saw a gorgeous guy (in casual gear) in the first 5 minutes. I said, "ok, not in uniform, but good start". He was the first and last. In hindsight, I realised they werent trying to project the same image of "sex and money", instead it was all about being "serious power and business". The show was very nice, but I just got jealous. I didnt want to watch from below, I wanted to be on the plane while it did its tricks!! My colleague felt the same.

Which one was better??? The car show, for the eye-candies, heheheh. It was fun to be surrounded by all the fakism and bright lights, just as long as one doesnt buy into all the bull too much. The airshow had great giveaways, but too serious for me. Plus sorry, but the military and suits' looks were nothing to rave about.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Wearing Green!!


Enjoy St Patrick's Day!


I'm not a beer drinker but there's something about this day that fuzzy me up...!!! I LOVE IT!

Last year Patrick's Day was Friday, so I wore my flouro green fleece hat on the train and most times at work... and play afterwards! Hahahah! People "who knew why" cheered! A lot of them wearing things showing they were 'celebrating' it too like green armbands, pants, and tops; an IRELAND shirt; or anything with a four leaf clover on it. The reaction to the spirits or softdrinks I was drinking pretty funny too, especially the profanities cursed out with an Irish accent!! Most guys handing me a beer!

I'm yet to try a green beer....

Monday, March 12, 2007

First 10 Favourites This Autumn

  1. Sugar's cooking (I missed it so much!)
  2. My 2 loves on each arm, one snoring softly, the other purring loudly
  3. Zoo picnic with african grooves - "cheche kuleh! cheche kufisa!! yey!!!"
  4. Mucking around with colleagues
  5. Reading books
  6. My old diaries (I found them again while 'downsizing' my stuff!)
  7. Cloudless and starry night skies
  8. Chocolates (still...)
  9. Quiet moments on my own
  10. (Craving for... an interesting conversation or two)

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Great Friday Night!!

It has been a long time (YEARS!!!!) since I last really enjoyed myself going out dancing and drinking. Before Friday night, I was having fun dancing, but still had to keep myself in check, or act with some reserve. Last Friday night I was completely free of limitations!!! The wilder child in me allowed out! Oh what a blast it was!!!

I almost didn’t make it. Story shortened, I ran a day behind schedule and I ended up with 12.8 kilos of vegetables and gear in my backpack to take home. Most people would decide to just go home to drop off the load, and maybe catch up with the “party” later if they could be bothered to leave home again. If I went home, it was impossible that I’d go out again as I had so much to do still. My uni friend "Dusty" to the rescue, she suggested I leave my bag at her desk, to pick up later after our reveling. What a grand idea!!

But plans are never concrete. While having lotsa drinks at happy hour, someone (ahem) crashing a party, we realised it’d be a drag to trudge back to her work drunk (or very VERY tipsy), which we were sure we’d end up. Plus we didn’t know how far the clubs and bars we'd go to would be!

Always a trooper, never backing out once things are in motion, I carried my tomatoes, cabbage, potatoes, capsicums, bok choys and carrots everywhere with me! Hahahah!! Each time I picked it up it felt kilos heavier! Who would have guessed!!?! Thankfully at least, even though they were very heavy, they all fitted in my daypack. I wasn’t walking around carrying plastic bags all night!

Her workmates were so easy to get along, so fun to be with. I realised it didn't matter where we were, "we/us/the people" were enough to make the night interesting. Though a venue with a good vibe was helpful/important, our company wasn't reliant on it to make "our" night enjoyable. By the time we moved to a bar from the party, I was happily tipsy. More drinks came round. With a little suggestion, the girls rounded up the guys and we moved to a club to dance.

Again coz our bunch consisted of mostly down to earth, approachable, easy going (some more extroverted than others), friendly and 'out to have fun' kind of people, it was easy to just be yourself… or myself. We were grooving hard to the music, males and females, my group at one stage mostly on top of the bar dancing! :-) Including me of course!!! Dancing comfortably with the guys, no malice, feeling very safe, knowing they will also protect you from idiots who think they can invade your space. Going even wilder with the ladies, shaking our booties any way we can think of!! The smile never left my face!!


Money all spent on drinks, I made sure I caught the last bus to take me home. Felt so tired as we started around 5pm. Invitation to next month’s party given and accepted. Happy farewells. S and I texted each other to make sure we found home. Woke up 2 hours later feeling sick though well hydrated with water. Realised I only had 2 small dumplings plus a double cheese and tomato sandwich for the past 30 hours!! I sweated and exerted so much energy my body may have been going to shock??!! So I delicately fed myself salty food and carbs. Thankfully, slowly I felt better, enough to go back to sleep restfully.

I can’t wait for next month! Minus the veggies and with dinner in my stomach!!!

Thanks Dusty for the invite and convincing me to go! I'm glad we are finally hanging out and grooving to the same type of music!!! :-)

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Trapeze


“HEP! Legs up!! Let go (hands)! Reach out! Let go (legs)!!!”

“(Legs) forward-back-forward-knees up!!! Face forward!”

You become very familiar with these commands when you put your life in the hands of trapeze performers, 2 safety ropes attached to a tight belt, and a bouncy catch net.

I managed to book myself in for a free trapeze workshop in the city, weeks in preparation. As soon as I saw the speil, I knew I had to do it! It could be an once-in-a-lifetime chance!! So I decidedly worked half-a-day of my life around it. With a little pre-planning, not a huge sacrifice at all.

Debilitating thoughts still came to mind, “I’m too old” (I’m only 30!); “It’ll be in front of city passersby, that’s embarrassing” (Oh well, I want to experience it, and it’s FREE!); “I’m not feeling strong enough to carry my own weight/fat ass” (Hhhmmm… I know… but I’ll just have to see/give it a go.); “I should be more lady like” (hhhmmm…. I left this unanswered.); and “I feel bad I have to take some time off work. I gotta still do this and that.” (Jeez! Work’s work! It’ll still be there and the same tomorrow. All’s organised with colleagues. ‘Me’ time now.).

Fears put aside. Excitement had set in.

The day was beautifully sunny, the wind only slightly chilly. I was there 2-hours early to watch a demonstration. Rhea and my godchild Jaycee passed by to watch too. I wanted Jaycee to try it, but she wasn’t interested. I was just happy to see them and spend some time with them before the 2-hour workshop begun.

We were fitted with a safety belt that had to be worn as tight as a corset, so our body fat was bulging on top and under it. Then we were shown the right way to stand and jump off the ledge.

The exercise begun when we had to show how agile and flexible we were when we had to reach for the bar. We swung our legs dramatically (toes pointed!) to get momentum; lifted our legs up and folded them around the bar; let go of the bar and looked forward; then gracefully reached for the bar again; and slipped our legs off the bar. Surprisingly it was easy when I was put on the spot. I always knew I perform better under pressure (heheheh).

Quickly, we were climbing to a ledge about 3 stories high, being strapped on to 2 safety ropes, and reaching for a bar that feels slightly out of reach. The height and uncertainty made me feel weak in the knees but it helped that I have done some climbing before.

I did 3 climbs altogether, all tricks performed properly. First jump I had to do all the moves I practised during the land exercise, after jumping off and while I was swinging! It was hard to hear the instructor and I felt slightly disoriented – “where’s my forward?”. Second jump we did it again but with a finishing backward somersault when we let go of the bar. This was fun too! I’m pretty sure I screamed with glee as I felt myself rotating!!


The third jump was the CATCH!!

I was put on the spot! The girl before me chickened out and didn’t want to do it first. She was scared or/and suddenly became aware of the people watching us. Which made me aware of them too!! Shayte!

Being the eldest, I felt I had to put a brave front so the kiddies wont give up, or get scared. Climbing up, I struggled remembering the moves, only remembered that the catcher was the boss. There was no time for hesitation, or else we miss the moment and I miss my chance to be caught. I knew when the catcher called out “HEP!” , I had better jumped. Determined, I trusted my instinct and (little) knowledge. I knew what I was doing!! Eeeeekk!

Feeling in my zone, holding on to the bar, even looking at the catcher in the eye, I knew I feared what was to happen next, but ready. I heard a strong voice,

“HEP! Legs up!! Let go! Reach out!!!!”

In milliseconds I felt strong grasps on my wrists just when I saw him, upside down like me! Then the call “Let go” (my legs off the bar) while the crowd was gasping, then cheering! I was told I “squeaked” while he held me in the air, huge smile on my face, and when he let go of me without telling me! I momentarily forgot there was a net underneath me!! Cheeky!

The buzzed stayed for ages. The pain of the rope burn on my finger after the first jump not settling in until I was home. My finger still hurts, 2 weeks later, still healing and a little infected. Expected bruises behind my legs now gone. I didn't care! It was SOOH MUCH FUN!


I didn’t want to stop! We were almost climbing for a fourth jump, but too many of the kids didn’t do the catch properly so we ran out of time. It didn’t matter (well, it did but it was okay). I did what I came for. Now I know I like it. Wishing I get other chances to do this and learn more tricks….

HEP!






Sunday, January 28, 2007

Where Art Thou, McNaught??

To be or not to be???? It is a 'not to be', the search for the brightest comet in decades ending as one of my misadventures.

In vain I searched for 3 nights. I already mentioned how Thursday panned out. Friday I found a vast, open space and waited. But it was too cloudy. Forty-five minutes after sunset there was still no stars in the sky, the moon behind clouds. I went home very disappointed.

Saturday I looked at the cloudier sky and did not bother to go back to my viewing spot. Today, I decided to leave it alone. The sky is still cloudy. I will see only a speck and I'd have to find a more remote, darker expanse in the west, without a guarantee of success. Just an anti-climax.

"Oh well..."

Thursday, January 25, 2007

In Search of McNaught

A colleague arrived at work today visibly awestruck, mentioning a comet he 'accidentally' saw in the sky last night. My ears obviously perked up, I thought, "What's going on??! What??? What did I miss?? What Comet!!!??" .

Comet McNaught it is called. People started sharing the info that it has been in the papers for weeks now; how it's bigger and brighter than Haley's comet; how it has been visible since last week. And people where mentioning it nonchalantly... NONCHALANTLY!!! I wish I knew about it last week! The one week I decided to not pay attention to the sky at night! The week I decided to always be home before dark!!

A colleague told me exactly where to look for it tonight, based on where I live, at around 9.30pm. So tonight I set my alarm at 9.30pm, having had only 2 hours sleep last night and working very early this morning. I was anxiously hoping... wishing that I would see this comet... wishing once again I knew someone who could show me the wonders of the sky.

I don't even remember my head hitting the pillows... zzzzz... next thing I heard was my alarm. I pulled myself off the bed quickly, stepped out of home, and stargazed... not really knowing where to look, trying to orientate myself.

I couldn' t see it... :-(... I saw a hint of it, something vaguely wispy, about 3 handspans to the left of the moon. I think it was it.... The sky was beautifully clear, but I wasnt seeing anything "awestrucking". I was so disappointed I felt myself choking back sadness, desperately trying to see it.

I trudged back indoors several minutes later, straight to the one thing I knew may be able to help me see it - the computer connected to the web - and the picture's were beautiful!!!! I woke up too late!! I should have been looking for it at sunset 8.30ish tonight!!!














What a stunning once in a lifetime sight to behold!!! I have to see it!! I want to see it before it starts to set out of view!!! Head-tails-and-all!!!!



So tomorrow, Friday, the sun sets at 8:38pm. I'll be standing outside home looking for it, unless I can get myself to a vantage location for a better view. For those who are wishing to still see the McNaught wonder, apparently the best time to see it is just before sunset, in the southwestern sky. But others say the best viewing time is about 20 minutes after sunset.

I'd love to see it for many nights.... I hope it's still visible tomorrow night.... I'd cherish tomorrow night if it were the only night I can enjoy its beauty.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Life in a Saturday Morning


Slept early morning... woke up early morning... looking forward to a day at the beach... sand on my feet (in my nose, my ears, my mouth, loving it all)... basking in the sun while reading a book... squealing in delight especially when high tide comes in as I jump in the water... trying to go as far as some surfers on their boards go (or close to them without being in their way, in case I start drowning, so they can hopefully save me :-P)... letting the waves crash over me, riding it, swimming under it... pulling my bathers back on properly... cheesiest grins on my face.... laughing along with my friend/s... just having a relaxed good time.

Today was meant to be another one of those days.... Darn it, it rained! The weather forecast changed and there's light rain where we were going. I DONT MIND!! It wasnt meant to be.

Got off the bed... stepped out.... oooh, the rain felt nice... refreshing... really nice... so I stayed out. A thought came to mind, "water restriction".... Pulled my potted plants to the middle of our driveway... turned up empty pots to catch more rainwater ... walked back inside the house... grabbed indoor plants and a sponge... stepped back out.

Sponge in hand, wearing a summer nightie (decent looking, not the slinky kind), indoor plants on the ground, cat in tow, rain slowly soaking my clothes and my cat's fur, I started sponging the windscreen and side mirrors of the car (it's been more than 6 months since its last wash, it couldnt get any worse).

Not a care... slowly getting wet in the rain... seeing my reflection on the glass... smiling at how my hair looks but not bothering to fix it... fascinated my kittycat is close by in the rain with me... the rain falling the only sound I was hearing... neighbours either asleep or keeping dry... peace.... It was so quiet... oh so still....

Enjoying the moment, delighted by the rain - of course not by the carwashing(!), but the action as good a reason as any to be standing in the rain.... I continued rainwashing the car slowly, not stopping with the glass area as intended. Soon, I ran out of areas to clean... I stood still, head tilted up... to prolong the experience... until I decided it was enough... I went back inside the house... wet cat still in tow... gave kitty kisses and hugs... doors and windows opened to let in some cool breeze... changed into dry clothes... ate breakfast....

... a slow, relaxed, cool day indoors....

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Man files lawsuit to take wife's name

By GREG RISLING, Associated Press WriterFri Jan 12, 5:52 PM ET

Mike Buday isn't married to his last name. In fact, he and his fiancee decided before they wed that he would take hers. But Buday was stunned to learn that he couldn't simply become Mike Bijon when they married in 2005.

As in most other states, that would require some bureaucratic paperwork well beyond what a woman must go through to change her name when marrying.

Instead of completing the expensive, time-consuming process, Buday and his wife, Diana Bijon, enlisted the American Civil Liberties Union and filed a discrimination lawsuit against the state of California. They claim the difficulty faced by a husband seeking to change his name violates the equal protection clause of the 14th Amendment.

"Diana and I feel strongly about gender equality for both men and women," Buday said. "I think the most important thing in all of this is to bring it to a new level of awareness."

Mark Rosenbaum, legal director of the ACLU in Southern California, said it is the first federal lawsuit of its kind in the country. "It's the perfect marriage application for the 17th century," Rosenbaum said. "It belongs in the same trash can as dowries."

Only six states — Georgia, Hawaii, Iowa, Massachusetts, New York and North Dakota — have statutes establishing equal name-change processes for men and women when they marry. In California and other states, men cannot choose a different last name while filing a marriage license.

In California, a man who wants to take his wife's name must file a petition, pay more than $300, place a public notice for weeks in a local newspaper and then appear before a judge.
Because of Buday's case, a California state lawmaker has introduced a bill to put a space on the marriage license for either spouse to change names.

The Census Bureau does not keep figures on how many U.S. men are taking their brides' names. But clearly it happening more and more. Milwaukee County, Wis., Clerk Mark Ryan estimated that one in every 100 grooms there now takes the name of his wife.

Bijon, 28, approached Buday about the idea when they were dating. She had no brothers but wanted to prolong the family name. Buday, a 29-year-old developer of interactive advertising, was estranged from his own father and was not attached to his own last name.

"I knew immediately it was pretty important to her or else she wouldn't have brought it up," Buday said.

At one point, the couple tried the Department of Motor Vehicles to get a name change. But Buday said he was told by a woman behind the counter: "Men just don't do that type of thing."

Couples who want to hyphenate or combine their names also must endure the lengthy court procedures in California. One of the more notable examples was Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who went to court to fuse his last name, Villar, with his wife's, Raigosa, when they married in 1987.

Laws giving women an easy choice of names were largely a byproduct of the feminist movement. A 2004 Harvard University study found that the number of college-educated women who kept their surnames upon marriage rose from about 3 percent in 1975 to nearly 20 percent in 2001.
















Mike Buday, right, and his wife Diana Bijon pose for a photograph Thursday, Jan. 11, 2007, in El Segundo, Calif. They claim the difficulty faced by a husband seeking to change his name is a violation of the equal protection guaranteed under the 14th Amendment. (AP Photo/Ric Francis)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Interesting....

Similar to Diana's views, even before I started dating, I knew I would ask my husband to carry my surname too. Both of us carrying the same "hyphenated" or "fused" surnames. Or, we both agree on a different surname. Simply explained, I say, "it's a merger, not a takeover" :-).


I would rather not be married if he couldn't understand how important it is to me. Officiating marriage is not that important to me. I value the actual relationship more, not the "one-day celebration". Naturally, I would question the point of staying in the relationship with him if clashes on this issue occurred... :-). The surest way to lose me is if I am made to believe he agrees but after marriage, does not. The right approach would have been to just enjoy our relationship without matrimony. Nowadays, after approximately 2 years of living together, "man-woman" de facto relationship has the same rights as married couples anyway. Everything else can be covered with a living will.

Actually, I would have preferred to change and carry my mother's surname, while single. But it wasn't as important an issue to me, and I'm still a little traditionalist so I stuck with what I had. Hence the reason if our children wants to carry only one surname, I would encourage them to carry their father's.


I have broached this topic of "automatically taking the husband's name after marriage" with a lot of people, I noticed (men and women in) some cultures are less accepting, even offended. Others have thought about it and decided on surnames they are using now.

A conversation with a male colleague always comes back to mind, probably coz he was similar to Mike, open to less traditional thinking. I think it helped that he grew up with very open-minded parents. That's why I like bringing issues like this up, coz some people don't even consider to think of it as an option.

Friday, January 12, 2007

How Does This Work??

Here I am, awake too early on a Saturday morning, bored... or maybe lonely... so I went for the first thing that seem to eat my time so fast I dont know what hit me - the computer. Now I'm listening to Chet Baker and Bernard Fanning, while learning how to blog from my email. If you see this, it means it worked. Yey, blogging wouldn't be such an ardous task!! ;-P

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Happy & Safe New Year!!

Take care out there! :-)

Whatever you are doing on New Year's Eve, I hope you have a smile on your lips and a sense of satisfaction in your heart, and keep those feelings for many years to come.


Happy New Year!!

My First 10 Favourites This Summer

  1. Time on my own
  2. My cat and monkey (it’s really an ape)
  3. Chocolates (the cravings' stuck)
  4. Music
  5. Vera and her flowers
  6. More time on my own
  7. Girlfriends
  8. Oil Pastels
  9. Rain (the refreshingly long downpour kind)
  10. The moon

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Do You Feel Christmas???

This weekend will be the start of Christmas Eve festivities, but I still don't feel the Christmas cheer. Do you feel the Christmas cheer???

I've only heard one person excited about it. Actually she was excited only about Santa! Last year I attended several Christmas lunches/celebrations. This year only the work lunch so far, 2nd christmas lunch tomorrow, and a dinner likely on Friday. But this year, there hasnt really been much interest in it, not even kris kringle. I heard only two people (plus moi) occasionally humming christmas songs at work. And I yet to hear my 2nd christmas song on the phone while being on placed on hold. But I've heard a LOT of people stressing about all the preparation they have to do for the kids and gifts and decorations.

I barely saw the Christmas window display (during the night I was celebrating my birthday in the City). Daytimes it doesn't look enticing as there's always a long queue (mostly of children) waiting to see it. I only passed by the City Christmas Tree on my way to the High Tea I went to the first weekend of December. Usually I linger around the tree, even if only to eat ice cream next to it. I also haven't had time to buy gifts or even think about it. Shucks, I don't even have food in my fridge anymore! I'm gonna live on sauces soon!! ;-)

I received only 2 christmas cards and 1 email wish so far. Last year, by this time I couldn't count them anymore. I know it's not a reflection of how liked I am ;-P.... I rarely hear people greet each other, "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year". I've had situations too, where people reacted like they've forgotten about Christmas coming up, or didn't feel like expressing the same sentiment, when they were greeted... Are we just slower in coming to terms with it this year?? Or is it just me? Maybe this year I'm not as caught up with it, so I'm noticing what's happening around me without hollies and tinsels covering my peepers??? I swear I saw more excitement from people over the Ashes and Melbourne Cup.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Fried Tofu Soup with Shredded Vegetables

I just realised I haven't mentioned my cooking for a while now.... I guess coz it's one of those challenges that I can only do when I have the time and energy to pursue it.

I've been cooking alot lately, in comparison to 6 months ago. But I have also been eating out or buying takeaway alot. I definitely eat healthier when I cook at home. But I spend a lot more on groceries. I also eat a lot more coz I love my cooking so much!! :-)

At times ingredients like vegetables gets spoilt before I could get my act together (more wastage). If you have this same problem, here's a good recipe for soup to follow when the vegetables are on the soft and/or wilted stage. The soup is simple (not overpowering) but tasty. If you can't stand the "blandness" of plain vegetable soups, but don't want to add meat pieces in the pot, add a little chicken or beef stock in the mix. Enjoy! :-)


Fried tofu soup with shredded vegetables
Preparation time: 15 minutes Cooking time: Less than 30 minutes

INGREDIENTS
1 medium carrot (120g)
100g snow peas
425g can baby corn, drained
1.5 litres vegetable stock (6 cups)
2 large red Thai chillies, chopped finely
2 green onions, sliced finely
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
2 tablespoons light soy sauce
150g baby bok choy, shredded
100g packaged fried tofu


METHOD
Cut carrot and snow peas into long thin shreds.
Cut corn into quarters lengthways.
Bring stock to boil in large saucepan.
Add carrot, corn, chilli, onion, vinegar and sauce; simmer, uncovered, 2 minutes.
Stir in snow peas, bok choy and tofu; cook, stirring, until bok choy is just wilted.

Serves 4.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Post Script - (2 Weekends Long) Birthday Celebration

I cannot mention my birthday celebration on the weekend after my actual birthday without including the other celebration that occurred the weekend before my birthday....

... still following?? :-)

Some lady friends couldnt make it on Dec 8, so we decided to go out and meet for High Tea at Park Hyatt on Sunday afernoon, 3 Dec 2006. It was a much quieter celebration, more cultured, more elegant, and more relaxed. My friend (whom organised it) and I always try to do this sort of thing whenever we meet up. It's quite fun.

We sat at the lounges so we could really relax while chatting. We also wanted the pillows :-). The lounges were like the picture below, but we were next to the window and the fountain garden.











We had options of champagnes, sparkling wines, juices, coffees, hot chocolates and a fine selection of the finest estate leaf teas. Yummy! That was just the drinks!! To start we were given hot canapes. Then a delicious array of exquisitely prepared sandwiches, gourmet desserts, fresh baked scones with butter, cream & homemade preserves were presented.

We looooveeeed it!! I felt so girl! Like we were having an English tea party! And I felt so spoilt! Unfortunately we forgot to bring a camera (again!!??!! My parties were just not meant to be captured on camera, tsk tsk tsk). I also didnt feel like pulling out a phone camera. Some things are just meant to be enjoyed without care... and enjoyed the moment we did.... :-).


Sunday, December 10, 2006

I DID IT!!!

I DID IT!!! Hahahahah! (Whew!!)

... the old habit was broken... the fear faced head on and overcome... the moment highly stressed over but enjoyed....

I finally stopped hiding from friends and turning off my phone on my birthday. I fought hard to control my phobia or neurotic tendencies when it came to celebrating "me". Instead I came out with a bang!! And what a perfect time to do it!! My 30th! I organised a birthday dinner party followed with a night out in town!! The weather was beautiful!

Of course because it was my first time to organise a party for myself, there were hiccups. I chose Cookie as a meeting place for dinner. I thought my friends would LOVE it!! I've been there twice and although not the best service, it was a good haunt. A disappointing change can sure happen to a venue in less than 5 months! :-) Tsk tsk tsk! It was too noisy, the music too loud. It would have been okay and bearable still if the maitre 'd wasn't such a bi&%h and agreed to place all our tables together (she was power tripping!!). We ended with 2 tables together, but the 3rd table in the opposite side of the room!! Even though there were 2 other empty tables with the same number of seats, closer to the other group!!! So I chose to sit with the group that was separated so they wouldnt feel left out. Which meant I barely spoke to those in the other 2 tables. Pity coz two friends I really wanted to spend time with were in the other tables, and they travelled all the way from Kyneton (more than 1 hour drive). I felt quite bad. If my partner, whom are really more friends with the Kyneton couple, wasnt overseas, he would be with them and the other group, helping me keep everyone feel welcome.

In my mind (when I wasn't panicking and hyperventilating and thinking, "What have I done???? I don't wanna do this!!!"....) I talked to the group and told everyone how the were appreciated by moi. Even though I knew I was going to embarrass myself (nothing new), I wanted to take that time to introduced each person to the group (and embarrass them too with my gushing) and how they were linked/special to me. Most of my friends dont know each other, so I imagined the dinner to be a chance for everyone to get to know and chat with each other. But coz the restaurant was too noisy, they understandably stayed in their tables instead. Feedback was they still loved it and enjoyed the food and company - so either it was true or they were trying to be nice ;-). I had fun :-).

My friends have been wonderful and supportive, especially during the planning stages. A lot of them rolling their eyes, shaking their heads and laughing at my face - but, only because I was doing the same thing to myself. I've always seen the humour, in between panic attacks.... :-)

After dinner half the couples left coz they had a long trip home ahead of them. One friend also left coz he just came back from a business trip that same night! I took the rest to a non-smoking bar I wanted them to check out. I thought... take care of the boys/husbands first (most were non-dancers) and let them chilll and drink. But I could see that the girls/wives were getting fidgetty and wanted to dance (plus the bar was unexpectedly quiet, the city nightlife started later that night), so I decided to start heading to the nightclub where we were staying put.

Unfortunately, the husbands wanted to go home already coz they were tired and some organised golf early that morning. They always seem to do this, but I thought they would make an exception tonight, since the wives have been talking about dancing with me since I started organising my bash!!! I mean really, when you have been forewarned weeks ago of the party date and what to expect, why organise another event which could be used as a reason so as to leave early??? It was sad, I felt sorry for the wives after they were told, but what can I/we do.... I am not fighting other people's battles. So by 11.30-ish only the singles (or 'singles for the night' like myself) were left to trot to the nightclub, where I was meeting more friends.

This could be my other hiccup - the weather, although beautiful, I think was tiring people out. We weren't as young anymore, and I didn't really consider that some of them cannot do an all-nighter every weekend anymore. I thought they could. But I guess they really werent as energetic as myself; or as "go go go" regardless of where we were going, what time we finish, and how outside my comforts/likes what we chose to do seem to be. My friends are growing older faster than myself.

Anyway, we headed to the club to join other friends. The club is located in one of the historical vaults built close to the train station in the 1850s as storage facilities for goods and eventually bananas. This specific vault was renovated to house the nightclub. The interior is now a fusion of Asian and Middle Eastern décor, Moroccan styled lamps, deep red ceilings, lush carpeted walls and distinct little getaways within the venue itself.

There we danced the night away.... I think there's some wild photos of me in someone else's camera :-). I may even end up on the club's website. Oops, another hiccup - I had a camera but I didn't pull it out to take photos at all, NOT EVEN ONCE, because I was so stressed (though having fun) because I was out enjoying my birthday!!!! It's hard to explain - how it is possible to have fun and stress at the same time (don't ask me to explain) - but that was exactly how I felt until I was on the dancefloor. I'm usually snap-happy, but this time I dont have any pictures :-). I should have hired a photographer! ;-P

I was home early in the morning, woke up 2 hours later, did more birthday stuff, and attended more birthday celebrations (drank a whole bottle of moscato wine on my own during a girlfriend's Sunday birthday brunch! Plus more!!) on the weekend. Enjoyed the WHOLE weekend!!

It's Monday now, I took a day off, I feel soooooh tired. But instead of sleeping in, I'm here writing a blog recording my achievement of finally organising a party for my birthday and celebrating it with friends!! Woohooo!!!

(Dont expect me to do it again next year.... After saying, "been there, done that"... I still prefer hiding and keeping to myself... hhhhhmmmmm.)

Thursday, November 30, 2006

&(&^%*^*!!!!!

Been quiet… so much to tell… no time to waste sitting down writing them!!! I am either too tired or too busy!!! Time’s flying both too fast and too slow!!! &(&^%*^*!!!!!

I haven’t done laundry for 4 weeks, which proves I have too many clothes – only pants were worn more than once! Housework is very much put on hold!!! I have 79 (and still increasing!!) personal emails to clear that were sent in the past 3 weeks!! I think, mostly from family. They’re going sicko at emailing at the moment, partly my fault because I started a fight… oops. By the time I finish chatting with my love one, I go straight to preparing for bed. Sometimes I even cancel on plans!!! &(&^%*^*!!!!!

My birthday celebration is freaking me out!! Every nerve in my body does not want to do it, but I will celebrate…. I hope!!! &(&^%*^*!!!!! December being December, too many things going on!!! Parties! Birthdays!! Deadlines!! Stress! Timeframes! Meetings! Obligations!!! &(&^%*^*!!!!!

… here from me soon… I hope!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

This Lady Can Dream....

Since I've posted one of my "lists" under the blog "Undressed", I decided to share some more. These ones were written early last year 2005. Notes in this colour were added for this post.


Wildest Dreams List 2005

1. Fly to the moon, walk on it, see Earth in orbit and come back (yes, I do want to come back to Earth)
2. Travel for at least 3 years around the world and be able to afford it, even if I am mainly backpacking
3. Climb all seven continental summits (but Mount Everest instead of K2)
4. Start my own successful business/ foundation
5. Be financially wealthy/ independent
6. Crew for an Ocean Race (sailing) – Melbourne/Sydney/South Africa to Hobart/Melbourne/Sydney
7. Record songs with Bette Midler, Tina Turner, Robbie Williams and Bjork, or back them up during a live concert
8. Have a personal chef, cleaner, driver and stylist
9. Have a house (moderate to small size for family, I don’t like big houses) with a heated lap pool in Switzerland
10. My kitty cat to live with me and stay young (her age now)

** Still pretty accurate.... It'll be greater of course if my sugar was sharing all experiences with me. That would be WILDER!!!


Wants List 2005

1. Tour Africa
2. Tour Nepal/Burma/Myanmar
3. Tour Papua New Guinea
4. Go around the world and visit many countries for at least one year, without running out of money or needing to work (still want to do it this way, but most likely will be doing a continent each trip for 3 months or more)
5. Be financially independent
6. Tour Europe
7. Tour Australia (Done, cant think of a new "want" to add…)
8. My own vegetable patches and fruit trees (mangoes, figs, persimmons, bananas?, etc)
9. To live somewhere where everything I need (e.g. fairs, markets, libraries, parks, shops, restaurants, public transport) is within 5 minutes walking distance or a short public transport ride away
10. A hybrid car like the Toyota Prius or Honda Civic Hybrid (in gold, green and violet chameleon colours) to drive when I feel like a new environment from number 9


Material Wish List 2005

1. Clothes dryer (e.g. Maytag) that keep the excess moisture in a container so I don’t have to worry about air condition while it is operating. I hate waiting for clothes to dry! (Hahahah!!! So funny!)
2. Hybrid car
3. Accommodation (… don’t know what I meant by this???? Do you??)
4. Rich field telescope with as at least 8 inches aperture (I have a childhood fascination for the sky, would love to learn its wonders from SOMEONE whom has a lot of interesting knowledge and experience of it, instead of me just learning it from books)
5. Digital SLR camera (has to be Nikon, I was told...?)
6. Creativ Zen or iRiver (not ipod) with memory to hold movies, photos, music and e-books (sounds like I’d need100gb!!! Hahah! I was obviously preparing for long-haul travel already then...?)
7. Travel, travel, travels!
8. Photography lessons
9. My own swag or one that can fit comfortably my sugar and I
10. Two types of bikes (BOTH LIGHTWEIGHT!! Coz Im always taking it somewhere where I end up carrying it over my shoulder!!): 1st) A midrange (or up) off road bike suited to my height - I spent the money for it on my trip around Australia! I will always choose a new trip/travel over material things. I decided christmas 2005's self gift would have to wait. I could still use either of the 2 hand-me-down bikes for another year! One a little tall which Rob uses, the other a little short, which I use. Hahahah! 2nd) A lightweight, folding travel bike similar to the one I saw used on Amazing Race when contestants where in Japan. I plan to bring it along, if possible, whenever I travel, e.g. work trips, peak hour trains, weekend aways, etc.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Worthy Causes Or Misdirected Endeavours?

Some months back I talked about a time where I tried to help a girl called “April”, but was instead deceived. To make weeks of stories short, she said she just started working as a “girl bar dancer only, not the streets”(she was actually a street veteran); 16 years old (maybe, now I think older, but still young); and was trying to earn some money during the holidays to continue study nursing (Ahh… no! She sat next to the guys before I arrived, to see if she could peddle herself).

I couldn’t let April go without offering assistance – to pay for her studies. It was going to put my Sugar and I in a higher financial commitment and more emotional responsibility for several years, but I wanted to follow it through. Plus I needed to act on my need to give to someone in need.

Being very aware of scams, I offered very basic help to start with, stayed business-like, and asked for a lot of proof. We discussed a great future for April, if she were legit. I took a leap of faith… invested time and approximately AUD$60 on her… found out the truth… and was disappointed.

… I tell this story as a lead-up to the topic of financial aid and/or volunteer work.

I may sound idealistic, but I still can see issues realistically... it's a gift (heheheh). Due to my experiences; my knowledge in governance and its systems; basic common sense; and personal interests, I became aware of the following (but please note I write it here very simplistically, I suggest for you to actively find out for yourself to understand fully and make your own decisions):

  • There are a lot of aid agencies or organisations that are trying to help, children especially, in poorer countries – so many that people are starting to take it for granted, and even turned it into a profitable business venture.
  • Volunteer work and financial aid has become a money-making industry – hard to tell who really means to help without expecting adoration, and who is helping for the adoration, and who is keeping all the glory (money)???? Where have all those billions of dollars of financial aid gone?? Can you see any improvement after these all these years??
  • There are many people like myself who wants to volunteer – some has good ideas, some don’t. Some has good things/experiences to share, others don’t.
  • Many of the aid agencies only offer up to high school sponsorship - why give them a lifeline, then snatch it off just before the finish line??
  • Many of these children whom are sent to school do not finish high school because they weren’t interested in school – waste of money?? Worthy cause?
  • Many of the girls who became pregnant or had children were not offered to continue their education – one mistake and they are not worthy of help, even if they ask for it??
  • Many university students are working very hard trying to finish their degree – where is help for them? Aren’t they the ones who could educate and change their country, not us?? Shouldn’t we help the ones who actually want to do it??
  • There are too many kids in the street and other problems – are the endeavours to improve their quality of life misdirected?? Should we be focusing on birth control and making them understand responsibilities?? Are we stopping the “faucet from leaking by stuffing it with paper”??
  • There are many people/volunteers/tourists who are gullible/kind/egoistic that they hand out money or help without thought, believing they are giving good welfare, which then results to the locals taking advantage (they cant help themselves, it’s so easy, its human nature) – aren’t we as a collective sending the wrong message??

...Understanding all these, and knowing many, many, many more issues (the list above is definitely not exhaustive), I know I will come across more “April” in people and in situations. But every time I trip, I check for bruising, I make sure I learn not to do it again, and then continue walking.

I still would like to go overseas. I will leave home issues to others who don't want to travel for now. There are so many volunteers here in Australia that they now have interviews and waiting lists! I do hope when I do finally carry volunteering out, it will be with a worthwhile group.

I still want to support the helpless or disadvantaged. But my compassion feel limited to those whom could not control their mistreatment and only to those whom wanted to help themselves. I believe in the proverb, “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime”. But experiences has thought me, you can teach someone how to fish and even give them the tools needed to do it easily, but if they don’t want to lift a finger to do it, they will never have fish.

The safest bets are animals and nature (i.e. sustainable development), but I would still consider some people (children and adults). There are plenty of volunteers and agencies out there willing to help out those not in my list, they can worry about it.

Optimistically, I can also start up a foundation. At the moment I’m trying to figure it out, working out where my current motivations are, harmonising my need to see the world (spend money on myself) and my need to give to the world and/or it’s inhabitants (spend money on them). Best case scenario, is to be able to do both fully and well.

…. We will see….

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Gold-Hearted Thoughts Without Action Makes It Equivalent To Hardboiled Eggs

(I wrote this on 2 January 2006. It took this long to clearly think this through…)

There are two parts of me that I am paying more attention to now – the part that wants to experience the world by seeing, and the part that wants to experience the world by giving.

For a long time now I felt like I wasn’t giving enough (outside my families). I had become complacent to community service, which I always said I wanted to be involved in. I talked but did not follow with actions. I used to do a lot of volunteer work. But I gradually stopped about 10 years ago, when I decided to take control of my life and work on a better future for myself, than the one I was given.

The years passed by quickly. The natural progression of my life then would have been to do aid work overseas for a minimum of one year at one place, continuously, while experiencing the world. I started a relationship and created a new family so priorities, interests and compromises changed. Seeing the world became more complicated too. My old family also took more of my time. For a long time they kept me busy with emotional issues. It felt hypocritical if I helped others and care for them before I helped my own. I told myself, “charity starts at home”. Mentioning the very little volunteering I did within the 10 years would just be for stupid self-glorification and is pretentious and phony, taking undeserved bragging points. Currently I do lack pride in myself with regards what I really should have achieved by now in aid work.

Hindsight is still good. Looking back at those “turning point” moments I had in life, I stand by those reasoning (e.g. to care for others first) and decisions (e.g. to postpone aid work overseas). I knew my decisions in the past would result to where I am now (or what I lack now) therefore it was not a surprise. Still, I have pride in my achievements professionally and feel very blessed to have my Sugar and my Delight. I do love how my life is now in general, and really like how I turned out to be as a person.

Foresight was harder. I didn’t think time would move so fast. I (cant help) feel like I was left behind. I didn’t think it would take so long. I didn’t think it would continue to “take and take and take” (e.g. my old family). I didn’t think my virtues such as patience, charity and understanding would be so far tested. I thought if I gave it most of my time, it would get easier. I didn’t think I would question if the time I invested on others could have been better spent on me.

I was never a superwoman. I congratulate those who can do all they want, all the time, and still take care of those things that are not in their plans. These past years showed me I couldn’t “do it all”… but the hope of “can AND will still” kept my spirit fire burning.

As my self-actualisation needs have repeatedly informed me that I could no longer disguise my inconvenient desire to travel “my way – to see and to give”, I am more restless and less inclined to be selfless. But things happen for a reason. These years made me realise how much I am capable of giving and for how long. I experienced enough now to only want to help those whom seemed to want to help themselves and eventually take care of themselves, including family. Very tough choice, but I stand by it, right or wrong. So I am now concentrating on supporting my sugar and myself (with more emphasis on myself), as we both chase our dreams.

You will hear more about this now, since it is now allowed “out of the hat”, as I aspire to it, and express more of my views openly.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Ups and Downs of being “Single”

My sugar and I have been together for 10 years, and we’ve never been separated for longer than 3 weeks, with a definite return date for us to look forward to.

I’ve always coped with our separations better between the two of us. I am more adept in making myself less emotional, forcing myself to be more “clinical”. But these separation phases we are currently in, while dreams are being chased, are definitely “new territories”.

So… after being someone’s “other half” for many years and suddenly being “status single” (albeit temporary), what can a woman, very much like me, expect to face??? I say, “like me”, as experiences will vary, depending on where you live, financial means, age (actual and emotional), psychological state, physical baggage, values and personality. How you were like as a partner, and what you’re partner was like, will also need to be considered. In our case, we were like chalk and cheese, AM and PM, day and night – very different, strong individuals. Hence our relationship is full of hard work and compromises to make it work. Thankfully, we are still very much in the “honeymoon stage”.

The best part of being single is definitely having free reign of the house!! I can play my music whenever I want, for as loud as I want!! I can cook (or not cook) and eat the food I like!! I eat when I’m hungry, not when my hubby is worried because I haven’t yet eaten. The mess around the house is a quarter (less!) of what I got used to seeing, and cleaning the house is a breeze! I can find things where I last left them (e.g. kitchen scissors); and my privacy and possessions are preserved.

I love not compromising myself at all, for a change. I realised how much I automatically compromised and forgone some interests - for love and support, to do what is “appropriate”, due to our differences, my wanting to spend time with him, etc etc. So little was most of those compromises (can even be considered nonsense), I actually believed I still kept a good hold of my individuality while being in our relationship. I maintained my core interests, according to what’s most important to me (still considering what was important to my other half, his dreams and our dreams). Now I had become painfully aware that all those little things I thought I could do without, or chose my sugar’s preferences over, still defined who I really was. They still made up “the me”. Therefore taking those little things away was changing “me”. I’ve always been keen for positive changes, but when the change is unnecessary or should have been temporary, it is very unnerving to realise it came to pass.

I love having more free time, and being free to use the time without thinking of my partner’s plans. For example, if hubby were here I wouldn’t be playing the drums weekly. He would go with me maybe twice, but he would want to do something else. I would go without him for a few more weeks, sure, but eventually I would want to do something with him, wherever he is, unfortunately away from the drums. Taking this scenario further, alone I can take my time, chill, and socialise with other drummers (new friends) after our sessions. Sugar is not as much of a ‘butterfly’ as I am, so if he was with me, we’d be moving on straight after – heading home, to a restaurant, or to old friends. As I said, we’re chalk and cheese….

Lastly, I love being able to do anything I want and trusting my OWN judgment. At the moment, there’s no one stopping me because my partner is afraid for me, or treating me like a child, or he can’t do it with me, or he doesn’t want to do it. What I hate most (after dishonesty), nothing I hate more… is hearing something negative or unsupportive seconds before I’m about to do something outside my comfort zone. My hubby is very good at this…. I’ve told him, time and time again, it doesn’t help to hear those dropped comments/hints when I am already battling my nerves, trying not to freak out!!! Currently I don’t waste as much time convincing, or dealing with his… issues. Now I focus on calculating the risks involved - I’m not an idiot, I love life and I don’t want to die nor break a bone! I concentrate on enjoying the moment, rather than fuming while doing what I wanted to do because of a fight I just had with my partner. The “after-activity mood” and memories are completely different. We’re still working on this issue, as you can tell… and he is getting better... I commend how he controlled himself when I was going to skydive.


So if single life seems to suit me more… why don’t I choose to be single??

Because I am in love with him. Simple as that.

I may be sweating over being “a half”, feeling like my free spirit is being (choked? repressed? tied down?)… controlled… but my honey’s got me… heart and soul, guts and all. No matter how frustrating he gets, and how different we are, I would still choose to spend my lifetime with him. I feel excited thinking about the "adventures of life" we will share with each other.

The main disadvantage of being “status single” is not having those little things I get from my partner so readily like a kiss… a hug… a tickle… a touch… a shoulder to cry/rest on… a laugh for a bad joke… and butterflies in my stomach. Aside from everything that comes with missing him physically… I miss him taking care of me (making sure I eat) and caring for me (especially when I’m sick). I’ve been very sick this week and no one knew. I was miserable and each day was tough going. I felt worse realising I was on my own (I didn’t want to bother family and friends for something so “trivial”).

I miss doing things with him. I miss sharing my life with him. Even watching a DVD at home is not the same when I’m not hugging him. I feel stupid trying to play fight with the cat because he does it better. My “after-activity mood” would have been complete if he was there to share it with me, even if he was only watching.


So what did I learn???….

If it wasn’t my sugar, I would probably be single.

Absence does make the heart go fonder for our lover. But absence, left on our own (no kids, no family “noise” etc) to soul search, is also a good time to receive a wake up call from our “true self”. The reminders help us to reawaken our passions, original interests and feelings. So that we can explore it and hopefully work out a way to balance being honest to our self and taking care of our individual needs, while being part of another person/family and nurturing that relationship.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Undressed


I don't do new year's resolutions... but I always have little goals I like to reach for, to make life less mundane. This year it was the following:

  • Go scubadiving - DONE!
  • Take surfing lessons - too cold now, have to wait until around December. - CAN'T WAIT!
  • Improve fitness (use treadmill/orbitor, 40mins FAST nonstop, min speed 7) - DONE!
  • Improve wardrobe (get a stylist, buy new clothes, throw out old clothes) - ALMOST!
  • Improve posture (SIT/STAND/WALK straight; do core-conditioning exercises) - DOING!

The ones crossed out have now been incorporated into my lifestyle. I think I’m doing quite well, about six months into it. The thing about doing life changing actions like this though, albeit small, was that it really highlighted things about myself I wasn’t aware of before.

Let's talk wardrobe. After I threw out (most given to charities) A LOT!!! of clothes (5 black garbage bags full), I was left with A LOT still!!! Below is my embarrassing list, but I still decided to share the details:

  • 130 pairs of socks (all less than 2 years old)
  • 10 bathers (only 2 more than 2 years old)
  • 125 underclothings (all less than 2 years old)
  • 14 jeans (I threw out more than 30)
  • 50 to 100 pairs of footwear (half still in the garage)
  • more than 50 bags
  • 200 tops
  • 40 dresses (including ball gowns)
  • 40 belts
  • 50 scarves
  • 15 hats
  • 80 bottoms (skirts/pants/shorts)
  • 10 business suits
  • 20 outer jackets
  • 50 jumpers/hoodies/cardigans
  • 90 sleep ensembles/sleepwear/homewear


!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it!!!!!!!! Sooh many clothes!!! And bags!! And belts!!? And scarves!!?? I don’t even follow fashion! It doesn't even include all my jewelleries and other "girly" stuff!! I was dumbstruck by the realisation of it!!

I was truly culling my wardrobe!! More than half of the clothes I threw out were still new-looking or were worn favourites but I forced myself to let them go.

I’m chuckling and shaking my head here… but who needs 130 pairs of socks!!!??? 130!!!! Hahahah! I threw out less than 5, as they were all in varying degrees of newness. I went crazy in buying socks and underwear each time I went to inexpensive Asia, coz I always change my underclothing around every 2 years. So now I have many inner clothing “in stock”.

My reasoning behind culling was so I could buy more “plain and classic” clothes, so I can show my inner “model” (ahem), look more “ladylike”, and have newer clothes. I don't shop for clothes much, maybe buy only one item every 3 months, or 3 items every 8 months... you get the gist.

Activewear (for all seasons and terrains – bring it on, yeah!!) (ahem) and Eclecticwear (ahem again… eheheh.. ehhh…) have taken over my style. I also had a lot of work uniforms, where I perform(ed) many VERY diverse functions, hence the number of equipment and gear I had to keep handy for those roles.

If it were safe to walk barefoot outside my home, I would throw out most of my shoes and slippers!! I like my feet free so much that I used to wear shoes at least one size too big in school (very geekily embarrassing thinking about it now). I'm not much different now, still preferring my feet in loose footwear or slip-ons/slippers.

But now that I know how much clothing and footwear I have, I don’t feel like buying more!!!! Shouldn’t I wear out the ones I have first!???! Seriously! I can’t possibly need more??????!!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I Dream For Worldwide Peace... Even If Only For A Day


Peace One Day - every year - 21st of September.


Celebrate it.... Honour it... Support it... Encourage it.

http://www.peaceoneday.org/


The specific link for activities happening in Australia is

http://www.peaceoneday.org/page/australia2006.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

First 10 Favourites This Spring

Written in no particular order:


  1. Tulips! Tulips!! Tulips!!!
  2. Bright and/or scented flowers - gerberas, jasmines, orchids, gumamelas, etc!!
  3. Belgian hot chocolate drinks - plain with milk... simply divine… hhhmmmn….
  4. Bicycling (from 10mins to 4hours plus) - I’m spoilt with choices of good bike paths and gym bikes.
  5. Walking around in the city, with no purpose and no plans.
  6. Listening to my music LOUDLY, any time of the day, and night!! Sometimes grooving to it too!! Woooh!!!
  7. Playing African drums.
  8. Warmer nights to enjoy watching the stars from my driveway, when the sky is especially clear.
  9. Laughters, catch-ups and outings (e.g. lunch at the park) with friend/s.
  10. My sparkly purple eye colouring “thing”... I don’t even know what to call it… “eye shadow”??

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I've Finally Decided - Here Is My Blogspot

I’ve been to-ing and fro-ing between 2 blogsites for some time now. I prefer here but I was slow to moving coz I can’t work out the photo posting function here! But here I am.

Most of my stories are copied and pasted here. But between April 2006 and August 2006, if you want to see the stories listed below, feel free to click on the link.


http://racer.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/05/index.html

MAY 2006 - “I was blogging back here in Melbourne, talking about my (good and bad) experiences in Philippines and Malaysia.”


http://racer.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/06/index.html

JUNE 2006“A few blogs such as ‘My First 10 Favourites In Winter’ and ‘Tandem Skydiving’ with lots of photos relating my experience.”


http://racer.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/07/index.html

JULY 2006“Not much there. I was talking about how I wanted to enjoy the Melbourne International Film Festival (MIFF).”


http://racer.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/08/index.html

AUGUST 2006“Lots happened. I was away during MIFF, going around Australia. So of course this month has lots of stories about my experiences and great photos.”

Kindred Spirits

"When the kindred spirits have once met, no human power can really part them."

Monday, April 03, 2006

Bored In Transit

I didnt think i would be blogging this very moment... but Im bored... waiting for a connecting flight to Manila from KL. Shops are closed and still dark outside.

Travel buddy and I decided to go to a transit lounge to stretch and while the time away. It's not as much as I expected - food is very average and limited; free movies we can watch were all on video released for home viewing at least 1 year ago; and alcoholic drinks endless but since I rarely drink, especially in the morning, it was useless to me. At least they have internet, hence why Im doing this now. After this I might golf putt (the brochure said there's one here), just to amuse myself. I left Trav alone, he's resting.

I can't wait to see my hubby... really miss him.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Reminders for Uncle "Moox"

Her Royal Highness, P.S., will give you free reign of the house most times. We know she’s always liked you, so we are happy you are with her. I bet she will even keep you entertained! But she is very demanding when it comes to being fed. She wants it now and all the time!

A MEAL TWICE a day of 1/4 of a cup is more than enough. If her meowing and nudging with pleading eyes are melting your heart away (she’s really good at it), you can give her lactose-free milk as a treat, 1/8 (if daily) to 1/4 of a cup. Measuring cups are supplied for your convenience. Good luck!!

I suggest not leaving any yummy meat within paw’s reach, especially chicken. It is one of her weakness, and no amount of reprimand will make her change. If she catches the scent, she will hunt for it.

Neighbourhood garbage gets picked up every Friday morning, around 6.30AM. Yellow recycling bins are emptied every Friday fortnight. I recommend taking the bins out Thursday nights.

You can plan to empty kitty cat’s litter in time with (Thursday) bin nights, in the least. You can change her litter more often than that if you prefer. Newspapers and 2 bags of fresh supply of kitty litter are stocked up for you in the laundry area. There’s an extra litter tray too so you can alternate use. The emptied tray can be soaked then sun dried for hygiene. The extra tray is there, mainly for our convenience, so while one is soaking/drying the other is being used.

She loves company, so she is likely to follow you around the house with doting eyes. It will be easy to get used to, and guaranteed to give you plenty of smiles. For obvious hygiene reasons, please keep the toilet door close at all times. That area is off limits to her, but she may follow you in there or explore the sights if left accessible.

Sometimes in the bathroom, if she’s comfortable with you, she may jump on the sink while you are brushing your hair or teeth. This could mean she’d like to drink straight from the tap. What to do next is up to you - tell her to bugger off, leave her alone, or let the water drip softly so she can drink. It is very cute to watch….

As you’ve seen before, she can play fetch. Milk bottle cap rings are perfect for this, or her tiny toy mouse. Sometimes a small crumpled piece of paper or a clothes peg works too. She will either play with you or push it around the house for ages.

Don’t worry about showers, fur brushing and nail clippings. She’s very good at grooming herself, as you know. Hopefully I had cut her nails short enough to last until we get back. She will try to sharpen it again as part of her grooming routine, but because she is an indoor cat, it shouldn’t be too fast. She sharpens it by scratching on her post but when feeling cheeky or trying to get your attention, she will do it on the lounge suite (very rarely) or side of the bed (more likely). If she does, especially on the leather lounge suite, please tell her off! It is not cute!

She loves the sun. But because she is an indoor cat, she only gets to bake under it from the window or outside under our supervision. I wouldn’t recommend letting her out, as she becomes stubborn – she will not listen to you and even hide far from reach when it is time to go back inside the house. Only Mr Man of the House is able to reprimand her enough to force her out of hiding and running for home. He’s had about 30% success rate.

So before stepping in or out of the house, be VERY aware where she is and assess what she seems to be planning. Oh, she’s cunning!! You think she’s just sitting pretty there watching you, and then she bolts for outdoors as soon as there’s enough space for her to sneak through!!! So lightning fast at times you wouldn’t even notice, until you are surprised by seeing her already stretched out on her back on the dustiest part of the driveway! Sometimes she will reason with you (meow!), or try to use her charms. Unless your confident you can tell her to go back in when commanded, this is the time to show her you’re the boss!! Raise your voice, show anger, stomp your foot to make her move away from the door, or make a warning sound if she looks like she’s making a run for it. Good luck!

Even the best plans can fail. If Her Royal Highness manages to step outdoors, by stealth or by sweet-talk; there are 2 ways to get her back in. Keep the screen gate and door open, be angry, stomp your foot, point toward the house and raise your voice commanding her, “NO! Go back INSIDE!!” The words “no” and “inside” are very important, as she is aware what it means. You can also use a stick or rake to make her move from underneath the car. Make sure she can easily run inside the house once freaked. If not, she will run for the door, but seeing it closed, will run the other direction. If all this fails, you have no choice but to either risk scratches or let her be, leave the screen gate partially open so she can squeeze through, and wait for her to come inside hours later on her own accord. She does come back home after 4 hours max, tired from her mischief, for rest, food and drinks. Our main concern is feral cats, if they scratch/bite her, it could get infected. Safety of birds is only a worry if she gets out at night.

You can let us know how your relationship is evolving; or ask questions by text, phone, email or web cam. Hope you enjoy the house! There are a variety of chocolates and goodies in the fridge and pantries. Please feel free to eat and use them. Mi casa es su casa! Thanks again for your help! We really appreciate it!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Love My Cat

I’m going on holiday soon… excited to be with my man… but leaving our little delight, our kitty cat.

I am sooooh in love with our cat. My heart feels wrenched by the fact that I have to leave her. I am going to miss her terribly.

I do have a thing for felines, always have. I never fancied dogs, even though some are cute or awesome looking. Anyway, when I was a child, my mom used to freak out because I always took home feral cats. My family allowed me to keep one, even though my eldest sister was allergic to her. Unfortunately my cat didn’t get along with our next-door neighbour’s cat. I was devastated when I found out their helper poured hot water on my pet cat. I wondered for a long time why my cat didn’t come home, until our other neighbour found her scalded, dead on the roof right on top of my bed. I was traumatised and couldn’t for a long time bring myself to have another pet, until our cat now.



When I started going out with hubby, him being more a dog person, he gave me a beagle. He knew I was more into cats but he wanted to convert me. It didn’t work out, I was getting beaten and bitten by a puppy, so we had to give her away. Later on, it took less convincing from him for me to have a pet cat. Luckily he did not get any allergy. He even found our kitten, and she was the cutest shy kitten, with the softest silkiest blue-tinged fur we’ve ever seen. She easily grew into his heart.



People could see how much we love our cat. We’ve been lucky, as she really is the sweetest and cutest. Even our friends would attest to her being beautiful, with her cat personality and all. She’s very loved, but she gives us a lot more.

Even though I like felines, I am not one of those people whom surround myself with “cat” stuff. I also don’t want to be one of those people, with what seems to me could be an unhealthy obsession. I have 6 cat stuff – a brooch, set of mugs, a tin can, a book, a display thing, and a jewellery box – 5 of them given by friends and family, whom understandably mistook my gushing and ooh-ahhing over my cat as a “thing for all cats”. I adore felines, but I only have a thing for my cat….



Our cat relaxes us. I come home after a hard or long day, I see her and the tension melts away. She’d be waiting by the door or window meowing; curled up like a ball sleeping; or stretching and meowing to us. She loves being close to us – gives plenty of nudges to our face/forehead/nose/legs; jumps on our lap while we sitting down to nudge or give us a hug; and curls up next to us or on our lap. She's even work out a move where my hand ends up on top of her head so I know she wants me to stroke her around there. She’s very affectionate.



She is no angel, very capable of being naughty - for example, sneaking out by bolting for the door as soon as we open it. At times she wakes me up by pulling on hair strands or by licking my face very early in the morning to feed her. She also goes through the bin because she can smell chicken in it, her favourite. But she’s a cat - a cat’s a cat. Still, we find it hard to be angry with her, for example with messing the bin, because you can see she couldn’t help herself and she really enjoyed the chicken, licking her lips deliciously while we are telling her off. She makes up for the naughtiness by her cuteness – playing fetch, playing rough with my Sugar, lying flat on her back stretched out like a dog asking for a rub (cats don’t usually like being tummy rubbed), or just plainly being herself.

My Sugar is already missing her a lot too, which I knew he would. So whenever I can I show him her cuteness on the webcam. Hopefully we’ll still manage to see her on the webcam while we are away….



As I said earlier, I’m already missing her. I’m going to miss stroking her soft fur; rubbing her tummy, face and neck; how she looks after a shower; and her smell (Dove when newly showered, or at times like cheese, maybe due to her diet). I will definitely miss how her fur feels next to my skin; her being vocal; her pink nose and paws; cute ears; beautiful colour-changing eyes; her warmth; her weight on me; and her fat ass and wobbly bits.



I will miss carrying her in my arms or next to my face; her paws on my hands; her always lying down smack in the middle of my reading or work; her cleaning herself and licking her paws and reaching over her ears to clean it; her scratching her head/neck with her back paw; her tail; her playing; her sitting position, like a sphinx, but with the front paws folded and hidden; her naughtiness; her play with Sugar; her hugs; her nudges; her wet nose; her purring sound, her sleeping, especially when curled like a ball or with her paws shielding over her eyes; her stretching; her curiosity; her company. Daily, I will miss everything about her….


Saturday, March 18, 2006

Night Shift

It is almost 3am, started 10.30pm finishing 7.15am, night shift number 4 of 7. I’m at work, alone (on our floor). Each night to, at and from work has been a mini sleepless adventure.

First, my schedule and sleeping pattern was thrown around because of the Commonwealth Games, hence why I am where I am. I’m averaging 3 hours sleep each day. I’ve been going to the gym for about an hour before work, to make myself tired enough to sleep. So far, it’s only helping my fitness.

I tried using public transport to get home in the morning. The train and bus system heading away from the city centre was appalling! The first weekday instead of being home by 8am, as train and bus timetables suggested, I was home 9am. It was only going to get worst for the weekend. Taxi was too costly (around $50 x 2 each shift). Needless to say, I knew I needed an alternative.

Hubby being overseas, I was forced to drive our manual car. I rarely drive, and mostly only automatic. I am too uncoordinated for gear changing from neutral to first gear. We also own a little sports car, with a lot of front wheel horsepower drive. It has a lot of grunt. Everything is very responsive and manual driving is too fiddly.

Mind you, I asked to buy this car. I decided then (several years ago) to get my manual license. I knew I’d get too bored with an automatic car, and it’s still true, I am very bored with automatic. Anyway, long story short, I can drive only automatic. I’m petrified to drive manual. But I love our car and can't bear to sell it for an automatic. So I don’t get much practice driving, people are not even aware that I can drive. My skills are okay considering you can count with 2 hands the number of times I’ve driven. I have good offensive and defensive driving reaction, whenever the need arise. However, parking situations are messy for me.

I started driving to work on the 2nd night. I am an independent strong woman! I had a practice using our car 2 days before, realising the possibility of me needing to drive to work. I was more than capable of doing this!!...! It took me 10 minutes to reverse out of the flat and straight driveway approximately 15 metres long. My excuse… it was hard to see in the dark :-).

I got out, jumped to first gear and up, and headed for a petrol station. Now we all remember how scary it was the first time you had to fill the car with petrol, especially if you were a new driver. As this was my third time, I think, the first and second being many years ago, I felt all those emotions again.

All these nights and dawns, I was driving this really nice noisy sports car. I almost looked good… kind of cool. Except when the lights went green, I did bunny jumps from neutral to 1st and 2nd, sometimes all the way to 3rd gear. The gears/rpm were usually under or overworked too, which I think was made obvious by the exhaust noise…? I wasn’t feeling nor looking hip and cool those times, but people could see I was laughing at myself, so those with sense of humour laughed along with/at me.

I am also not confident on my ability to start the car uphill without rolling backwards. So every drive I sweated and prayed for the lights to stay green on uphills and for car park spots outside work to be easy to get into. I’ve been blessed so far. After taking about 15 minutes the 1st dawn to reverse into our 15 metre driveway, which was trickier, that I did many starts and over-revving; that I am sure I scared the wits out of our elderly neighbour (probably thinking I will go through her window); and waking up the neighbourhood with the noise; I decided to park outside next to the footpath. Parking inside the building was also not an option, too many stressful variables, as the incline is horrendous and the space is anorexic. Combine that with my lack of understanding how to park… too messy!!

At work, being alone in the “control room”, I needed to stay within it, or hearing distance from it. It is freaky walking or running around an empty office, especially after just watching ‘The Haunting’ on TV. I made many mad dashes for the ladies or for drinks. I did pilates, yoga or aerobic exercises to stay awake. I even brought some gym equipment to the room. It would have been a sight if someone walked in on me.

Doing many things in between writing this, it is now 5.24am. I am hanging in there, tired but not too sleepy. I’m considering using the skipping ropes to get some adrenaline going and stay awake. Or maybe I'll take it easy and make myself believe the preparation outside for the Games' marathon looks very interesting....

Thursday, March 09, 2006

International Women's Day


My organisation has given me the honour again to be one of the representatives for this year’s International Women’s Day Lunchtime Seminar held at the Plaza Ballroom in Collins Street.

International Women's Day (8 March) - the universal day marked by women's groups around the world. It is a day where women of all races, religions and cultures can unite and celebrate the women throughout the world. Women can acknowledge the struggles we are facing, celebrate our achievements, as well as consider what needs to be done for the future to embrace and enhance women's community.

This date is commemorated at the United Nations and is designated in many countries as a national holiday. When women on all continents, often divided by national boundaries and by ethnic, linguistic, cultural, economic and political differences, come together to celebrate their Day, they can look back to a tradition that represents at least nine decades of struggle for equality, justice, peace and development.

International Women's Day is the story of ordinary women as makers of history; it is rooted in the centuries-old struggle of women to participate in society on an equal footing with men. It is a time to reflect on progress made, to call for change and to celebrate acts of courage and determination by ordinary women who have played an extraordinary role in the history of women’s rights (United Nations: www.un.org/events/women/).


Celebrate it... Support It... Encourage It.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Australian Values

An afternoon TV program has set up a phone poll asking
“Should migrants who don’t observe Australian values be stripped of their citizenship?”

The result was: 1% no 99% yes.
What is your reaction to this??

To inform you better -- this poll came about around the time the issue below was shown on TV...


Measuring up migrants
REPORTER: Glenn Connley
BROADCAST DATE: February 24, 2006

Australia's Treasurer has said Islamic sharia law is not compatible with Australian law and called for migrants to subscribe to Australian values.

Federal Treasurer Peter Costello has kicked off the citizenship debate again, likening migrant entrance into Australia to entering a mosque. "Visitors are asked to take off their shoes; this is a sign of respect," Mr Costello told a Sydney audience. "If you have strong objection to walking in your socks, don't enter a mosque."

"Before becoming an Australian, you will be asked to subscribe to certain values. If you have strong objection to those values, don't come to Australia."

The key to the Treasurer's argument was that our rather bland oath of citizenship was neither demanded nor enforced. Mr Costello read it as follows: "I pledge my loyalty to Australia and it's people, whose democratic beliefs I share, whose rights and liberties I respect and whose laws I will uphold and obey."

In the US, citizenship applicants must "absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state or sovereignty". They must also talk about adopting the American way of life. In the UK, the oath is similar to Australia's, but gaining citizenship is much tougher. Applicants must be UK residents for five years, pass a British knowledge test and possibly even register with the police. Would-be Canadians must be permanent residents for 3-4 years, sit an exam about Canada and speak English or French.

Even the Treasurer's brother, the Reverend Tim Costello, a renowned humanitarian, was full of praise for Peter Costello's strong stance. He said it was high time Australians made being prepared to be Australian a criteria for being Australian. "I think most Australians know that it's an incredible privilege to live in this country," Reverend Costello said. "We are 'the lucky country' and to take that pledge of allegiance is to actually really commit yourself to it."

But Muslim commentator Keysar Trad said the Treasurer's speech damaged the reputation of all Australian Muslims, despite being based on the actions of just a few. "The vast majority of Muslims are law abiding, the vast majority of Muslims are doing their utmost to be good citizens," Mr Trad said. "We are shocked, horrified, offended by a small element within our communities."

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Other Friend's Baby News... Plus More

A and A's daughter is so cute, with huge eyes! She's got daddy's looks and mommy's facial mannerism. We celebrated her 2nd birthday on the weekend. I wasn't working so I finally caught up with them.

The trip to their place took longer than expected (2 hours) due to traffic, stoplights and 60km-80km zones, until we entered the freeway. But we worked out (using a printed driving direction from our car club) that it was the best way for us to take. It was good we only got lost once, wasting about 5 minutes only to get back on track. The trip home was trickier -it was in the dark and we had to do everything backwards from the printout! Even though we followed it properly, it didn't work out. We got lost at least twice, wasting around 10 minutes each time. We got back home very late.... Nevertheless, I'd do it again :-).

It was a good feeling to be there physically and seeing everyone - parents, grandparents, siblings, children, other friends, partners, etcetera. I was updated too, like F and T's planned wedding overseas and current residence closer to me. I got the giggles seeing A's tummy more preggy-looking for their 2nd baby, while looking great! Seeing youngest G no longer a girl, but not yet a woman. Seeing N, who is still a stud. I love A's magic tricks and antics too! He always cracks me up! Oh-oh... melodrama queen coming out again... Nooh..!! It was just so loooong overdue. They haven't been able to visit me at my place, and vice versa. The effort is hard to pull out when life's throwing so many things at us. But we all understand.

With the Games, Grand Prix and a trip coming up, next time we'll catch up is most likely end of May. We've got two places to stay overnight at now - A and A's, or my brother's and J's place, on the way to the snow this season, since it is almost in their backyard ;-).

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Beef with Bitter Melon and Black-Bean Sauce

Tally so far… 2-0.

Harold came home late last night. I saw it as my turn to shine again, from sweat, in the kitchen. I hanged next to the cutting board, and looked for my printed recipe for beef and black bean stirfry.

My inspiration to use this recipe came from acquiring the taste for bitter melons. Bitter melon is rich in iron that helps our energy and blood. I needed a healthy boost in all 3, after overcoming the H-fever overseas. I wanted to lessen the need to drink iron tablets too; tired of this routine I have been doing since before I joined school. I was also encouraged by the fact that Harold seem to love eating bitter melons too, even making a salad out of it.

So I prepared the vegies and added the bitter melon, which by the way was not part of the recipe. The recipe was only meant to have celery bits. I added extra ingredients like the teriyaki sauce and more black bean sauce to suit the amount of ingredients I was using. I cut carrots and red capsicums too, to add colour to the dish, but gave up on the idea. I decided simplicity and taste is key to this cuisine.

It was so easy to make this dish! Maybe the fact that I wasn’t sticking too close to the recipe helped… I was more relaxed… more creative. Harold was so happy I cooked, totally unplanned… completely unexpected. He could smell it from outside and thought the neighbours were eating something nice. He loved it! Scored it at least 9, at least! This dish will definitely make an appearance from now on.


Beef with Bitter Melon and Black-Bean Sauce
Serving size: Serves minimum 4
Preparation time: 30 minutes
Cooking time: 15 minutes

INGREDIENTS
1 tablespoon peanut oil
400g beef strips, or steak cut thinly for stirfry
1 clove garlic, crushed
1 medium white onion (150g), sliced thinly
2 trimmed sticks celery (150g), sliced thinly - optional
1 bitter melon (size depends on how much you want to eat), sliced julienne (diagonal)
1 teaspoon cornflour - optional
1/4 cup (60ml) black bean sauce
1 teaspoon teriyaki sauce

METHOD
Blend corn flour, black bean sauce and teriyaki sauce in a small bowl.
Heat the peanut oil in a wok or a large frying pan. Combine beef and garlic, and stir-fry in batches, until beef is browned. Remove from the wok and set aside.
Stir-fry onion, bitter melon and celery.
Return beef to wok and add blended cornflour mixture. Stir until mixture boils and thickens slightly.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Beef and Mixed Mushroom Stir-Fry

I DID IT!!!

Since I took up the challenge, I researched and created a list of basic ingredients, condiments and sauces I needed to buy. I walked up and down Queen Vic Market several times during one lunch break. I looked for veggies (short for vegetables) I knew how to eat but had no idea how it looked uncooked. Nor what it was called!! Pretty embarrassing and flustering actually!!…. Sellers were either not sure if I was pulling their leg, or just plain rude. I’d say, “Is this spinach/bok choy?” They say, “Wha? You dunno? Ayaah!” or “80cents, pay pay, no talk, this buy, no talk”. I was soooh glad when I was back to buying common tomatoes, mushrooms, capsicums, potatoes, etc from friendly sellers whom I always bought veggies and fruits from.

Then Harold took me to an Asian store after work to buy my sauces and other veggies I gave up looking for so he can show me. He wasn’t much better than the sellers at making me feel stupid, but hey, at least I know now. J He did not help me find the things I needed “so I would learn”, so I took forever finding all the sauces, spices and noodles, which Harold grumbled about. No bloody sympathy!! I almost gave up trying then! But I just considered him as showing signs of being a grumpy old man, never happy, hard to please J.

Then I had to wait for the right time to cook. Harold cooked Thursday and Friday last week and left for Sydney on the weekend so… nada cooking. I was worried my veggies would go to waste. Currently I don’t like cooking for one.

Sunday night Harold was back, some friends came over, and for the first time in ages, I… (drums rolling….) cooked!!

I initially planned to keep it VERY intimate – just the two of us – in case I stuff it up. But if became a “catch-up night”, and was happy to see friends I haven’t seen for a while.

I prepared the ingredients earlier, cutting the veggies alone and very carefully. Given that I chose to cook stir-fried noodles (hawker style), I had to wait until they were ready to eat. I also had to cook in front of them! Within the first minute I stabbed my thumb while opening the lid of the peanut oil bottle. It hurt and it bled!! I pushed on… L. Then hot oil sprayed on my eye, eyelids and arms!! I screamed and my friends almost kicked me out of the kitchen. I think they thought dinner was never going to eventuate. But I persevered.

I finished it, recipe on hand. Dinner was served. I was given a rating of 8 out of 10 by the Iron Chef (Harold) and Rob – not enough Oyster Sauce but still tasty. It was hard to change the amount of ingredients to feed an odd number of people – 5 in total. But Travis loved it! Loved it!! I love Travis ‘cause he always loves my cooking! J Glenda was quiet, struggling to finish the meal. She said she liked it.

Not bad for a first time.



Here’s the recipe if you want to try it. If I can do it, so can you J!

Beef and Mixed Mushroom Stir-Fry
Serving size: Serves 4
Cooking time: Less than 30 minutes

INGREDIENTS
600g fresh hokkien noodles
¼ cup (60ml) garlic oil
100g button mushrooms, halved
200g flat mushrooms, sliced thickly
100g Swiss brown mushrooms
2 sticks (150g) trimmed celery sticks
2 small fresh red chillies, sliced
750g beef strips
½ cup (125ml) oyster sauce

METHOD
1. Rinse and separate the noodles in hot water; drain.
2. Heat half of the oil in a wok; stir-fry the mushrooms until browned. Add the celery and chilli, stir-fry until the celery is softened; remove from the wok.
3. Heat the remaining oil in a wok or large pan; stir-fry the beef, in batches, until browned. Return the beef to the wok with the noodles and sauce; stir-fry until heated through. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Not suitable to freeze.
Not suitable to microwave.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Torino 2006


Winter Olympics – Women’s Aerials

Did you see it??!! It was short but what an awesome event! I was glad I witnessed all the jumps the ladies performed for the final round.

I was supporting defending champion Alisa Camplin (Australian, Oi! Oi! Oi!) but after the first jump, I felt immense pride for the Chinese ladies Guo Xinxin, Li Nina and Xu Nannan - ranking 1st, 2nd and 3rd. Their jumps looked so well executed, deserving of their places. I heard from earlier news Alisa bagged the bronze medal, so I was naturally curious of how it eventuated after the final jump.

I didn’t pay much attention to Evelynne Leu after the first jump. But she “popped” from the TV screen when her determined look really caught my eye. She mesmerized me. She looked about to punch something, pumping herself up seconds before the jump! I didn’t know she was about to perform the hardest trick in the program. But when she flew up… she looked… absolutely beautiful!!!

Evelynne ranked first, but there was still Alisa, Xinxin, Nina and Nannan. I thought, “Wow! Alisa and the others did better jumps!!??” I was in awe of the Chinese after the first jump I was sure 2 of them placed gold and silver.

There were no more spectacular jumps. So when Xinxin was about to jump, and I saw Alisa in 3rd place already, I knew something bad must have happened. I immediately felt sorry for her; EVERYONE thought she would place higher than bronze. Apparently she tried to do the same trick Evelynne did. She face planted so badly on landing, everyone was shocked beyond belief, including the cute looking coach? who was next to her on top of the hill. (Trust me to see the cute guy, I wonder who he is? Heheh...) Anyway, my heart was wrenched watching her wait for her score with snow all over her face. I would have cried right there in front of millions of people if I was in her shoes….

What an emotional event!! The drama!!!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Sorry, I Cant Help Bitching About My Haircut

I only go to recommended hairstylists or VERY professional looking salons whenever I decide to either colour my hair or have some curling treatment. Because I’m very tomboy and I mostly tie my hair back, I rarely require their service.

But whenever I wanted a haircut only, I used to just go to the nearest salon. Care factor close to zero, vanity maximum 5 out of 10. I asked for a straight cut to rid of split ends, or a little layering. The most radical decisions I’ve made were usually length related - such as cutting my waist length hair to chin length. Hairstyles so simple even a barber could do it. And if the layered effect didn’t work, it couldn’t be too bad, surely. I could just keep it tied back, nothing to it.

Then… HAIRCUT FROM HELL!!

During my lunch break I walked into a salon with long, curly hair. I have very thick, heavy hair so my curls were getting pulled straight in the back. I told the 2 stylists I wanted shorter hair in the back (around the nape of my neck), longer in the front (around my chin) to optimize my curls and be able to tie it back still. I asked them to layer it as much as possible so my “curls would float”. The Caucasian lady translated it to my stylist who was Japanese and left. The language barrier concerned me but she said she understood. I thought, “That’s cool, I’m still in good hands – she knows Asian hair; and her hair looks funky. It’s a simple layering style, can’t go very wrong”.

I walked out with blow-dried straight hair (what happened to my curls!!??); with some rat’s tail looking layered cut! A huge chunk of the top half of my hair was cut really short I couldn’t tie it in a ponytail. And when I try tying back half my hair, I have this stupid belly button/bunion looking glob on the back of my head with a layered rat’s tail thinning towards the middle of my back!

I thought it was weird she was blow-drying my curly hair straight, but I thought it was to determine whether the layering was even on both sides (which was done to my hair before). I kept grabbing my back hair saying, “short, very short”. The stylist kept nodding and said, “yes, very short”. I thought she must be concentrating on the crown first and working herself down. She’s the professional; she must know what she was doing!! Then she told me she was finished! I complained to the Caucasian lady; she said something about, “you said layer cut, not length cut”. Hairstylist lingo?? Excuse me? Doesn’t “cut this short up to here” while grabbing the hair mean the same??!!

Because I wasn’t too fussed (then!) that the exact style wasn’t followed, I rushed back to work pissed off mainly because the blow-drying was a waste of my time, which I told them not to do, because I was going to tie my hair and wear a hardhat on top of it straight away. Plus I love my unruly, curly hair!!

I got home and that’s when I gave myself time to see the damage!! It was like some 80’s style cut everyone’s wearing now! But I never said “80s” nor do I like this style!! I felt like a poodle whose head fur was shaved off but left with a shaggy body fur!!! Waaaah!!! Nooooooh! Waaaaahhhh!!

It’s been almost 3 months now. I never had time to go back to get the salon to fix the mistake. I did not feel like letting them touch my hair ever again anyway. I cut as much of the rat’s tail as I could. Grab and cut style. At least, it’s straight now in the back, I think. The top chunk’s also grown. It still stupid half-tied, like I’ve got short wings flapping out. It looks so unbalanced with the rest of my hair. So I tie my hair in a full ponytail, always.

I’ve been planning to get another haircut since, but there's always something else more important to do, like rest J... or see friends. Need to make time to see a well-recommended English-speaking specialist. I'm a changed woman after this incident. My care factor and vanity level at least 6, from now on. This time I’ll make sure I say, “Length cut please”.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

More on Friend's Baby News

Yey!! I visited one friend last night and she looked great! She made giving birth seem like an easy thing to get over!! Im semi-convinced to start popping them out myself now... *wink*.

I was holding back tears coz i was getting a little melodramatic about living far from her/them and not being able to just pop by. It has been hard for me coz i do really want to stay close to them. I also want to witness the baby's growth. I kept looking at the baby and her thinking, "sweet G the baby had a baby". I told ya... melodramatic!

The baby was soooh small and soooh cute!! So very fragile, so light. When i carried him he was making little hiccup sounds Harold and I's hearts just melted!G, I cant remember if i kissed and/or hugged you bye...? Or was i concentrating on saying goodbye to the baby?? The topic of 'forgotten parents' that a lot of parents i know comment on came to my mind... whooo-ooops! *wink* ;-P

J, thanks for the highway tip. It was cruising til the exit, but it definitely saved us at least 30mins compared to the freeway we used to get there. And we realised it was the way we used to use to go to basketball years ago!! :-)

Hoping to see them again soon... before the christening!!!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Aaahh... cooking.

I am trying to improve my kitchen skills. I’ve now grand-mastered pots and dishwashing techniques. There are always drinks in the fridge and it's always clean - nothing past use-by-dates and edible stages! J

Next challenge – cooking.

I used to be a good cook, even though some dishes I tried to cook for the first time were disastrous. For example sinigang, cooked with sayote. I grabbed a packet of sinigang broth and bought vegetables that looked the same as what was on the packet's picture. Sayotes are "never used" for sinigang, but it tasted good. Unfortunately I also didn’t know the skin was inedible so my brother was spitting it out while eating!J Even so, dishes I knew to cook may be limited but my picadillo, beef stroganoff, quiche lorraine, beef goulash, mango mint sambal and a few others were always… superb… to say the least.

I don’t like cooking, which made me detest kitchens. My stress level goes up and the air feels somewhat thinner as soon as I enter the imaginary line separating the kitchen from all the other spaces in our house. I’m also a klutz in the kitchen so I get hurt easily. There were many incidences involving knives and other kitchen equipment. Once Harold asked me to wash a pot he needed, I grabbed it and within 5 seconds I had a long cut on my finger where blood was dripping profusely. How and where I cut myself on Harold’s well-used pot we don’t know.

Some people are relaxed when they cook, and they even love it! Others think it has to be done, nothing to it. For me, it’s always a big deal so I choose to eat out, bring home food, order for delivery, or cook the easiest meal I can think of and get it over with quickly.

My man loves his food, especially home cooked meals. We are lucky he can whip things up really well. Like today, salmon with coriander – cooking it for the first time, but smelling good already. Unfortunately for him, he’s particular about his food. He likes very specific dishes. He’s not an adventurous eater. If dishes are different (e.g. salmon and coriander), it needs to be his decision. That’s why he’s not a fan of the dishes I can cook, or like to cook.

Harold said he loves cooking for me, taking care of me; but he whines that he is always the one doing it. It’s a very touchy subject for me, so when he bags me to our friends, I literally growl and say something like, “If you eat what I like cooking for you, then I’d cook more”. If you could see me during those times, you could actually picture me like a bull with horns on my head, and smoke coming out of my nose and ears. It’s a very touchy subject….

I do hate being at times helpless. I’d like to eat healthier at home. I crave for more variety. Plus I LOVE the look on my baby's face when I prepare food for him. Wish I can feed him breakfast cereals or fried eggs/sausages all the time!J

I’ve conquered harder fears… I’ve faced head on many challenges. Learning and being able to just “whip things up” could be treated as another obstacles to cross over. So… next challenge – cooking. Any good tips, anyone?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Friends’ Baby News

I received great news this week about my 2 very, very, very, VERY, very good friends – one gave birth to a healthy baby boy and the mother didn’t endure a very long labour; and the other pregnant with her 2nd baby!!

I am so happy for them I wish I can just drop by and celebrate! But both live almost 2 hours away from me (approximately 3 hours return travel)! Work’s tying my movements up lately especially with the Commonwealth Games coming up. This month I’m conducting a lot of courses and have just been told I might also do another intensive training myself, if I pass the psychometric test and fitness assessment. All tasks are challenging which I love. Yet physically wearing.

I really want to visit them!!! Aaaarrgh! I’m planning for it to be a weekend. But phone calls and/or video calls the best I could do for now….

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

2 Gruelling Days

On Saturday I participated in a race that took about 7 hours (plus another hour for introduction, lunch, presentation, etc). I was absolutely knackered at the end of it!! The next day I was in pain from the waist down, with my upper body not feeling much better. Walking across the room took a lot of effort. I rested the whole day dreading Monday….

Instead of another Monday in the office, I was invited to go rockclimbing and abseiling at Werribee Gorge. I was going to be paid to do it all day! Awesome! Plus I really liked what I’ve seen of Werribee Gorge. Some time ago my friends and I did the 5-hour circuit walk there.

However, I dreaded the activity because the info sheet given to us said we had to do “a steep, hard thirty minute walk along the Iron Bark Gorge Track to the cliff”. I remember how steep some areas could get! With my daypack carrying food (lunch and snack), drinks (2 litres), rain gear (light rain expected, and it came), warm clothing, and equipment – and my stiff legs and muscle pain, I felt I would really struggle to just make it to the site. I could barely keep myself standing up past 5 minutes!!

But I really wanted to go! I’ve never rockclimb outdoors before and I didn’t want to waste the opportunity. The fun factor was too high! I thought, at the least, I could abseil once and enjoy the scenery.

Come Monday, I took a deep breath, grit my teeth and hoped for the best. I headed off to Werribee Gorge. Where I had the best time!! I rockclimbed and abseiled the whole time we were at Falcon’s Lookout. I couldn’t get enough of it! I fared well rockclimbing, even with my weak legs. Only one cliff remained unconquered coz I couldn’t “bridge”, my legs and arms were shaking from exhaustion. Going back up the cliff several times to abseil again was torture, but I was grinning all the way.

Pack-up time I was hiding behind the big guys so I wouldn’t be handed ropes to carry back up to the car. I was running on reserves for ages already, there was still “a steep, hard thirty minute walk” from the cliff to the car to do. I ended up carrying karabiners that I attached to my daypack.

My legs were lead walking back. I concentrated on staring at my workmate’s calves and followed him all the way. My friend told me yesterday she was worried cause she knew I was still recuperating from my sickness and the race. I was breathing loud so she sensed the effort I was putting in. I may have overdone being active outdoors again. I have a habit of doing that. It’s worthy of its own blog….

Anyway, once we were next to the cars, I was beaming a huge smile again. I did it!! I did it!!! All the strenuous activity were done! And I felt great!! Well, I was sweaty, dirty and all that… but I could actually say my fitness IS better. It was hard for me to gauge if there was any improvement until then. The 2 gruelling days proved it! I was fitter!

Its Wednesday now, there’s only a slight discomfort on my shins but other than that, I feel fine! It took less than 2 days for my muscles to recuperate… I feel a little self-pride for this achievement. I am giving myself a pat on my own back…. Very good.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Male Stripper Shows

I went to a male revue, also known as stripper show 2 weekends ago. To date, counting strictly the public shows only, I’ve been to 5 in 4 different venues – 4 of them for a hen’s night and one I organized just because I can.

Today I stumbled across some photos taken during one of these occasions. It brought back really fun memories. And because I have spare time I’ve decided to hint about my favourites. Of course I cannot go into details because, well you know why… *wink wink*.

The best one without a doubt was G’s. Our group all knew each other well so we were very comfortable, all young and open to having giggly girl fun. The guys were hot studs (mama mia!), ripped bods, young 20s to low 30s hunks, and performed an awesome show. It was a good combination of dance, tease, cheekiness and illusion. I didn’t see anything flop out and shaken during the show but there were awesome shots from my camera of 4 naked men with a cloth or hand to cover themselves. Bonus was the guys really entertained the girls during dance breaks, they stayed and danced with us and we pawed them to bits. Our hands were in 7th heaven at the end of the night.










Next was Manpower in Bourbon St, courtesy of ahem. I had great connections then (actually Harold did) and I got everyone in for free (everyone! for free!!) with food etc. I invited a mixed group - mothers, singles, married, young and younger ones, shy types and wild ones - all intermingled. It was funny coz in our group it was the mothers who were really keen to see the show, so my friends were their mother’s chaperones.

We were in the centre, right in front. Any closer I would have ended up on stage. It got a bit vicious at the start coz several girls went feral or wild, maybe with… eh… lust… and pushed into the reserved area. Management took of care of it. I guess that’s what a well-known revue that travels around the world could do. It was a learning experience.

I thought the show had too much dance, but because it was only my second show then, I was forgiving *wink*. Especially because, again, the guys were hot muffins (fan me!). Highlight of the night was my friend R (as in ‘rainbow’) who won hands-down a contest on stage. It was a real screamer!

A’s one was the first one where I saw an intentional show-it all, second R’s (as in the flower 'rhododendrons'). I still don’t know how I feel about it. The show didn’t really need it I thought. But I still put my glasses on and strained to see when I found out it was happening *wink*. I do prefer it to too many dancing. If I wanted to see a song and/or dance rendition, especially of the Village People, I’d go to a gay club or watch a Broadway show. Unless they grab an audience and hot-dance her on stage, coz that would play with some girls’ fantasy I’m sure.

One of the performers, Panther, was good at this. He is getting old but he still can work the audience. He may need to come up with a different take on the act though, maybe a different song or costume at least. I had déjà vu, like I saw it before during V’s hen’s night 5 years ago. But it's trivial stuff, he still put on the best show that night. GOOOOOO.... PANTHER!! *wink*

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Reason For This Blog

I was (and still am) wary of blogging coz i value my privacy.... I told myself i will only have one blog, in Friendster.... I also didnt want to use a weblog as a "Dear Diary" journal.

What am i doing here then?

I heard this site is more user-friendly. Im not very blog literate - Ive seen some fantastic blog sites that just make my jaw drop. I wish, but I cant, do any of those fancy-wancy stuff. I just want something not too complicated and easy to learn, so when i have time to waste or i feel inspired, it could be my web oyster.

... But i still intend to keep only one blogsite...