Ups and Downs of being “Single”

My sugar and I have been together for 10 years, and we’ve never been separated for longer than 3 weeks, with a definite return date for us to look forward to.

I’ve always coped with our separations better between the two of us. I am more adept in making myself less emotional, forcing myself to be more “clinical”. But these separation phases we are currently in, while dreams are being chased, are definitely “new territories”.

So… after being someone’s “other half” for many years and suddenly being “status single” (albeit temporary), what can a woman, very much like me, expect to face??? I say, “like me”, as experiences will vary, depending on where you live, financial means, age (actual and emotional), psychological state, physical baggage, values and personality. How you were like as a partner, and what you’re partner was like, will also need to be considered. In our case, we were like chalk and cheese, AM and PM, day and night – very different, strong individuals. Hence our relationship is full of hard work and compromises to make it work. Thankfully, we are still very much in the “honeymoon stage”.

The best part of being single is definitely having free reign of the house!! I can play my music whenever I want, for as loud as I want!! I can cook (or not cook) and eat the food I like!! I eat when I’m hungry, not when my hubby is worried because I haven’t yet eaten. The mess around the house is a quarter (less!) of what I got used to seeing, and cleaning the house is a breeze! I can find things where I last left them (e.g. kitchen scissors); and my privacy and possessions are preserved.

I love not compromising myself at all, for a change. I realised how much I automatically compromised and forgone some interests - for love and support, to do what is “appropriate”, due to our differences, my wanting to spend time with him, etc etc. So little was most of those compromises (can even be considered nonsense), I actually believed I still kept a good hold of my individuality while being in our relationship. I maintained my core interests, according to what’s most important to me (still considering what was important to my other half, his dreams and our dreams). Now I had become painfully aware that all those little things I thought I could do without, or chose my sugar’s preferences over, still defined who I really was. They still made up “the me”. Therefore taking those little things away was changing “me”. I’ve always been keen for positive changes, but when the change is unnecessary or should have been temporary, it is very unnerving to realise it came to pass.

I love having more free time, and being free to use the time without thinking of my partner’s plans. For example, if hubby were here I wouldn’t be playing the drums weekly. He would go with me maybe twice, but he would want to do something else. I would go without him for a few more weeks, sure, but eventually I would want to do something with him, wherever he is, unfortunately away from the drums. Taking this scenario further, alone I can take my time, chill, and socialise with other drummers (new friends) after our sessions. Sugar is not as much of a ‘butterfly’ as I am, so if he was with me, we’d be moving on straight after – heading home, to a restaurant, or to old friends. As I said, we’re chalk and cheese….

Lastly, I love being able to do anything I want and trusting my OWN judgment. At the moment, there’s no one stopping me because my partner is afraid for me, or treating me like a child, or he can’t do it with me, or he doesn’t want to do it. What I hate most (after dishonesty), nothing I hate more… is hearing something negative or unsupportive seconds before I’m about to do something outside my comfort zone. My hubby is very good at this... bless him, meaning well but I would have preferred support instead of prevention…. I’ve told him, time and time again, it doesn’t help to hear those dropped comments/hints when I am already battling my nerves, trying not to freak out!!! Currently I don’t waste as much time convincing, or dealing with his… issues. Now I focus on calculating the risks involved - I’m not an idiot, I love life and I don’t want to die nor break a bone! I concentrate on enjoying the moment, rather than fuming while doing what I wanted to do because of a fight I just had with my partner. The “after-activity mood” and memories are completely different. We’re still working on this issue, as you can tell… and he is getting better... I commend how well he controlled himself when I was going to skydive.


So if single life seems to suit me more… why don’t I choose to be single??

Because I am in love with him. Simple as that.

I may be sweating over being “a half”, feeling like my free spirit is being (choked? repressed? tied down?)… controlled… but my honey’s got me… heart and soul, guts and all. No matter how frustrating he gets, and how different we are, I would still choose to spend my lifetime with him. I feel excited thinking about the "adventures of life" we will share with each other. When I married him I knew he is most important to me, the little compromises done as my expressions of love, not regretted nor important. He can frustrate me all the time with his comments/fears, I may react, but it just makes me love him more because I know he does it out of love, so I always reach out to him and we enjoy the affections of making up.

The main disadvantage of being “status single” is not having those little things I get from my partner so readily like a kiss… a hug… a tickle… a touch… a shoulder to cry/rest on… a laugh for a bad joke… and butterflies in my stomach. Aside from everything that comes with missing him physically… I miss him taking care of me (making sure I eat) and caring for me (especially when I’m sick). I’ve been very sick this week and no one knew. I was miserable and each day was tough going. I felt worse realising I was on my own (I didn’t want to bother family and friends for something so “trivial”).

I miss doing things with him. I miss sharing my life with him. Even watching a DVD at home is not the same when I’m not hugging him. I feel stupid trying to play fight with the cat because he does it better. My “after-activity mood” would have been complete if he was there to share it with me, even if he was only watching.


So what did I learn???….

If it wasn’t my sugar, I would probably be single.

Absence does make the heart go fonder for our lover. But absence, left on our own (no kids, no family “noise” etc) to soul search, is also a good time to receive a wake up call from our “true self”. The reminders help us to reawaken our passions, original interests and feelings. So that we can explore it and hopefully work out a way to balance being honest to our self and taking care of our individual needs, while being part of another person/family and nurturing that relationship.