Gold-Hearted Thoughts Without Action Makes It Equivalent To Hardboiled Eggs

(I wrote this on 2 January 2006. It took this long to clearly think this through…)

There are two parts of me that I am paying more attention to now – the part that wants to experience the world by seeing, and the part that wants to experience the world by giving.

For a long time now I felt like I wasn’t giving enough (outside my families). I had become complacent to community service, which I always said I wanted to be involved in. I talked but did not follow with actions. I used to do a lot of volunteer work. But I gradually stopped about 10 years ago, when I decided to take control of my life and work on a better future for myself, than the one I was given.

The years passed by quickly. The natural progression of my life then would have been to do aid work overseas for a minimum of one year at one place, continuously, while experiencing the world. I started a relationship and created a new family so priorities, interests and compromises changed. Seeing the world became more complicated too. My old family also took more of my time. For a long time they kept me busy with emotional issues. It felt hypocritical if I helped others and care for them before I helped my own. I told myself, “charity starts at home”. Mentioning the very little volunteering I did within the 10 years would just be for stupid self-glorification and is pretentious and phony, taking undeserved bragging points. Currently I do lack pride in myself with regards what I really should have achieved by now in aid work.

Hindsight is still good. Looking back at those “turning point” moments I had in life, I stand by those reasoning (e.g. to care for others first) and decisions (e.g. to postpone aid work overseas). I knew my decisions in the past would result to where I am now (or what I lack now) therefore it was not a surprise. Still, I have pride in my achievements professionally and feel very blessed to have my Sugar and my Delight. I do love how my life is now in general, and really like how I turned out to be as a person.

Foresight was harder. I didn’t think time would move so fast. I (cant help) feel like I was left behind. I didn’t think it would take so long. I didn’t think it would continue to “take and take and take” (e.g. my old family). I didn’t think my virtues such as patience, charity and understanding would be so far tested. I thought if I gave it most of my time, it would get easier. I didn’t think I would question if the time I invested on others could have been better spent on me.

I was never a superwoman. I congratulate those who can do all they want, all the time, and still take care of those things that are not in their plans. These past years showed me I couldn’t “do it all”… but the hope of “can AND will still” kept my spirit fire burning.

As my self-actualisation needs have repeatedly informed me that I could no longer disguise my inconvenient desire to travel “my way – to see and to give”, I am more restless and less inclined to be selfless. But things happen for a reason. These years made me realise how much I am capable of giving and for how long. I experienced enough now to only want to help those whom seemed to want to help themselves and eventually take care of themselves, including family. Very tough choice, but I stand by it, right or wrong. So I am now concentrating on supporting my sugar and myself (with more emphasis on myself), as we both chase our dreams.

You will hear more about this now, since it is now allowed “out of the hat”, as I aspire to it, and express more of my views openly.