East Coast to Hawaii… And The Number 2

(in snippets once again…)

• Second trip where I felt sad while flying
• Second flight where I had tears in my eyes
• Feeling at least second best
• Never sleeping longer than 2 hours each try
• Bought my second US mobile phone number
• Second trip to Baltimore and Arizona
• Each non-home-cooked meals I had were portions enough for 2 people
• Two life-changing realizations
• Second chance gone, and second chance given
• Two goodbyes, possibly with finality
• Two black suitcases
• Two hundred dollars
• Rode my 2nd worst flight from Baltimore to Phoenix (5hrs, fraying seats, no earplugs for music/movie, no food, no pillow, no blanket, just the seats hahahah, couldn’t sleep and I really needed it). At least I was in 4F, the window seat behind first class – the second best seats, heheheh. First worst flight was March 2008 flight to Melbourne for a wedding – I was very sick yet hiding it for a 26hours approx flight home. Ugh!
• Two planes to reach Maui (5hrs from Baltimore, waiting now for 4hrs for connecting flight in Phoenix, to board a 6.5hrs flight to Kahului)
• Two-hour wait for my friends in Kahului Airport coz I will arrive earlier than them
• Second opportunity to spend time with my friend and her family from California!
• Second chance to muck around with my godchild and her sweet brother!!!

It's All Downhill From Here

Im rude, petty, spiteful, out-of-place-proud, and sick of trying to be considerate or understanding. In the past i made sure disagreements were dealt with immediately. Now i prefer to walk/run away, act like its not happening just so it ends the discussion, and disregard any intention by other parties to bring it up again.

I dont understand my own feelings anymore. Cant trust my own judgment anymore. There's a feeling of black cloud hanging over me. I just do not know anymore what to believe - what i see, what im told, or how i feel. It is a new experience not being grounded with myself, and being made to feel like im the one who is not understanding or making things up... that nothing is wrong or not making sense. It makes me feel insecure, unsure of who i am and what i know. The pain which continously scratches my heart, at times striking it with vigour, ripping my spirit to shreds, is overwhelming. Internalising everything is harder nowadays, and it doesnt improve my ability to cope. I am losing my sense of peace, self-worth and good self-evaluation.

I feel like everything i say now is offensive. And the more im being told so, the more I act it up to make it true! I retaliate, throwing my issues back, irrational and illogical, destructive and ill-tempered! So everything gets worse.

Maybe i know the answers. Maybe i already know what i should do. Maybe i just cant accept the truth, wistfully praying I am very wrong. Maybe this time i am finding it hard to accept the decisions, and therefore actions, i know i will take. So i am stuck, allowing myself to marinate in this confusing, negative state of mind. Afraid and pained and embarrassed of my behaviours towards the people im hurting (back).