It's All Downhill From Here

Im rude, petty, spiteful, out-of-place-proud, and sick of trying to be considerate or understanding. In the past i made sure disagreements were dealt with immediately. Now i prefer to walk/run away, act like its not happening just so it ends the discussion, and disregard any intention by other parties to bring it up again.

I dont understand my own feelings anymore. Cant trust my own judgment anymore. There's a feeling of black cloud hanging over me. I just do not know anymore what to believe - what i see, what im told, or how i feel. It is a new experience not being grounded with myself, and being made to feel like im the one who is not understanding or making things up... that nothing is wrong or not making sense. It makes me feel insecure, unsure of who i am and what i know. The pain which continously scratches my heart, at times striking it with vigour, ripping my spirit to shreds, is overwhelming. Internalising everything is harder nowadays, and it doesnt improve my ability to cope. I am losing my sense of peace, self-worth and good self-evaluation.

I feel like everything i say now is offensive. And the more im being told so, the more I act it up to make it true! I retaliate, throwing my issues back, irrational and illogical, destructive and ill-tempered! So everything gets worse.

Maybe i know the answers. Maybe i already know what i should do. Maybe i just cant accept the truth, wistfully praying I am very wrong. Maybe this time i am finding it hard to accept the decisions, and therefore actions, i know i will take. So i am stuck, allowing myself to marinate in this confusing, negative state of mind. Afraid and pained and embarrassed of my behaviours towards the people im hurting (back).