Ice Cream

Not an experience I’m proud of, but here’s another first in my list of misadventures – fully moving my things out of my ex’s house.

He offered to let me keep my belongings there, until I leave the country for good. I knew keeping a link with him would keep me vulnerable, so I refused. He kept pushing for how he thought we should deal with the situation. I kept reacting and pushing for my own ideas. We weren’t amicable. Mainly because I was crazy (I’ve been crazy for several months now) and he was disgusted by how I treated him.

He treated me as well as he could. I had no doubt he truly loved me. But I didn't believe much else, and knew I deserved much more than the circumstances gave me. He retaliated with provoking statements. He said it in anger. I believed he said it because it was half meant, therefore he partly believed it, so I took it as how he truly felt. Was I too sensitive? Sensitive yes, but too sensitive, no. No matter how angry I was, I never brought the same provoking issues against him, albeit half meant.

So I cried myself to sleep in a separate room. And woke up immediately crying before I even remembered where I was. Then I composed myself enough to shiftily erase my contact numbers on his mobile, but for one. I asked him to do it earlier, but he refused. I feared a breakdown if he could reach me everywhere. So I connived to do it while he slept. I relaxed slightly, enough to fall asleep again. I was caught straight away in the morning, and received an earful of….

It was the coldest night of my life, not only because of the temperature and the weather, but because of how my heart and body felt. Then I woke up to a fucking beautiful morning. I looked out the window and everything was covered with snow. I remembered early this year I was smiling blissfully while we walked hand in hand on the same path. A few weeks ago he said he was writing my name while we talked on the phone. I dug my feet on the ground while I unashamedly cried, wanted so much to run to his arms and take all the blame, just so we could be together, even if only for today. But I knew what I started, why I started it, and how hard it was to continue it. I needed to end the cycle. So I stood my ground, grateful that he didn’t come out and sweep me off my feet. Grateful he was hard, mean and offensive, as I was to him.

Car service booked. Car service arrived 40 minutes early. I left the house, barely exchanging a murmur of goodbyes. In the car, all I could think of was no longer being able to kiss his lips again, and feeling so disappointed that in my rush I left the last thing he bought me – ice cream – in the freezer.