Never Again.... The Cost Was Too Much.

I died. I gained the world (what a beautiful world it is), but I lost my spirit.

Experience is such a great teacher, to which I have always been a keen and curious student. I was such a fool - so courageous and willing.

The past had many ups and downs, that's life. I realised how spoilt I was. Things always fell into place. I worked for it, I chased it, cried over it, but I was mostly blessed.

Then I decided to be truer to my character. Unchained restricted dreams. Unfortunately, in stepping forward to fill up what was missing in my life, I lost the most dear to me. Read previous blogs.

Positively charged from years of good nurturing and continuous self development, I left everything behind. I felt exposed and defenseless, with only my personality, charms, God, a bit of luck, and street-sense to protect me.

The world became my playground. I made good what I could. Travelled parts of the world. Opened myself to new experience, and to new wonderful love. A love short-lived, but prolonged for the memory of the fantasy, rather than truth. I should have known - relationships were meant to be enjoyed, not endured, especially at the start and when both parties say they only love each other. I went through hell. Read previous blogs for those stories too.

I can express how I am now.... Loving someone openly, naturally, unashamedly and fully cost me myself. I should have given the love to myself instead. I gave love all to him. I was left with only life to bring my pieces together. I feel irreparable. I could no longer be who I was. Absolutely never. The old me definitely forever gone.

People see it from time to time, when I put on the act, or try to be the old me. But they could see the effort and feel the unease. I never had to put it on before, it all came out without thought. Friends and colleagues tell me all the time they miss how I was. I joked at least they saw it before extinction. They give me the same forced/broken smile I give them, words of encouragement, sometimes hugs and kisses, and move on to another topic.

The hardest for me to deal with is that I am always scared... petrified. I cannot think or decide or hear my thoughts. Self-worth is intact, but I guess... courage(?) and inner strength(?) are lacking. I am plainly scared - completely broken, disillusioned, hurt and unbelieving. Emotionally and physically spent. I am alive outside, but inside love put me through a painful and torturing slow death. I fought hard, but lost, still hardly believing someone could be so... self-serving.

Now as I am dead inside, I exist just for the fact that I breathe. But no longer recognisable. My outlook for a partial comeback is grim. I may spend the rest of my life to recover. That will be the new chase. My heart has locked, that special place I allowed for love to burst in has caved in. No longer able to love fully like a child. Future lovers will have to settle for the communal area though they make take a larger space than others.

While I still breathe I make do. I try to live, follow the hollow routine, because I exist. At times I remember the inspirations that made me me. But mostly I am defeated and deathly in my heart. No longer a beautiful freak.