Whatta Man Whatta Man Whatta Man What A Mighty Good Man

I’ve had many conversations with both male and female friends about what a perfect or near perfect partner could be. Most times the “criteria” discussed seriously, other times hilariously.

The following always gets mentioned:

• Good sense of humour
• …That’s it really! From here it goes to different directions!
  

Things That Make Me Go, “Ooooohhh!”

Physical

• Good hygiene. Hahahah! It’s true! If a guy can’t keep himself clean (after messing about) or can stand not showering/brushing his teeth for days, I can’t help thinking the lack of self-care can be a sign of lack of care towards me.
• Great body – not huge, just toned and fit - athletic. I don’t mind bulges on the side (once there, they hard to remove, I know), but I cringe at beer guts!! I love a well-muscled rear. Again, it’s about having self-pride (not cocky!). If he is treating his “temple” well, I see it as a sign of him knowing what’s important (him and his health) and he is capable of taking care of himself so the responsibility does not get passed on to me. Instead we can busy ourselves with other things, and have the energy to do them, because we have “well maintained” bodies and spirit.
• Confidence. There’s something about the way a man carries himself. Casual ease, knowing how to look good wearing the simplest gear, or the more dapper attires. Or feeling comfortable being seen in public while he is not fully ‘made up’. I do get attracted to someone who has a really good sense of style and colours, someone who dresses up and takes some care in putting together what he is going to wear. Being confident but wearing mix-matched clothes and not pulling it off, is silently laughable to me.
• I have a habit of looking at how they treat their feet; it’s the most neglected part. I think it's sexy when a man has well-maintained feet.

Sexual

• Anything goes… I’m not gonna write it here! Some things are better kept a mystery, hahahah!
• Someone who is exclusive to me completely.
• Someone not afraid to show his emotions, don’t see it as a weakness.
• Someone who knows how to show his love, not just speak it.

Mental/Psychological/Spiritual

• I need a man who can handle my strength, or else he won’t know what has hit him! I’m fun, but a little (a lot?) hard to handle. Im a woman of strong actions, accepting of the consequences of my situations and decisions, aiming to always be happy, healthy and taken care of. I hope to spend my life with someone who will compliment (and appreciate) these values.
• I get attracted to men whom aspires, or may love where they were at already but likes to set themselves little/bigger challenges just because they can.
• Someone who while aiming high, knows how to smell the roses, don’t take things for granted, live in the moment, not forgetting what’s important in life – his faith/dreams, himself, his partner, his family/ies, his business, and then his friends.
• Someone who loves to give, more than take, to his partner. Someone whom after several years is still giving more than taking from his partner.
• Someone who accepts the consequences of his decisions (and situations), learn from successes/failures/obstacles, and move on, or continue on. I do not like 'victim mentalities'.
• Someone who is not afraid to try, or not limit his partner because of his inability to try.
• Someone who loves to surprise me. Someone willing to try out things, coz I bore easy.
• Someone who will treat me well, as well if not better, than he treats himself (but not neglecting himself in the process).
• I think.... it'll be hard for a man to keep my interest (to more than fun, friendship, or a serious relationship) if he is not, eehhh... more than me, or if he cannot at least match me. I can see myself feeling discontent with a man who just lives life weekly/monthly with no/little sense of purpose, goal or improvement, uninspiring, or "life-lazy/boring". Coz i'd rather be single than settle into something that might restrict my... spirit, personality and freedom (zest for life). I fear it.... I hope my heart chooses well.
• I'm not interested in changing a man, or asking a man to change for me - those are all up to him. I look at the essence of the man, to appreciate his positives and acknowledge his negatives (and work out if they are traits I am willing to accept).

Financial/General

• Every woman, even if they don’t fully admit to it, wants a man who can provide - now and in the future. They hope they wont fall in love with someone without savings, bad spending habits, living paycheck to paycheck, or on loans and credit cards. It shows either the man's lack of positive financial direction, or possible inability to provide for a family (if he is already struggling to provide for himself). If the man and woman's financial status is the same, then they can work on improving it together (Im stressing improving each other here). But if not, one of them is pulled down, unless the other is a much higher earner willing to pull the other up. How long the other will be willing to take on this responsibility may test the relationship, especially if the other takes it for granted and/or dont show improvements.
• Women want to be taken care of! Some women are capable of taking care of ourselves, with nest eggs. Some want to maintain that independence throughout her lifetime, others in varying levels of dependency to her man (eg, have the option of not working). Most of us dont make a big deal of it, but we like having the option available for us to take.
• I am not attracted to a man who “talks more than walks”. I also don’t like slow actions. As I consider myself strong and a confident (and smart) risk taker, people/men who take their time, when actions should already have been taken, frustrates me.
• Don't like someone who complains, and complains... and complains! But don't do anything about the situation!! There will always be a reason why things cant be changed, so if it can't be changed, or the man doesn't want to change it, then stop blabbing about it!! Accept your decision to put up with it! Stop playing the 'victim' of your circumstances. A person is only a continuous victim because the message you put across on how others should treat you, is that they can do it to you. If you dont like it, be proactive and change it, or shut up! Hahahah! When people do this I switch off or stop it, and if it continues, I step away. I'm a nice and accepting person, but this can make me lose my patience. It's a definite turn-off from a man, less acceptable for me than if done by a woman. Continuous complaining, especially about nonsensical issues, is just as worse as nagging - nothing but verbal diarrhoea. Blah blah blah! Hahahah!

Fear (and the triggers behind it)

I used to be fearless. I am anxious of a lot of things (a lot of things!!!!), but it never stops me from doing and trying out things, after issues such as safety and how much I want (to do) them were worked out. I also like to test my limits, most of the time surpassing them. There is a creepy-crawly I hate, which could make me feel faint, but I don’t fully fear it. I know how to keep my wits together when I see it, albeit some shrieking ;-). I have such a curiosity and zest to try out different experiences that I act in spite of my worries. Naturally, I hate it when other people’s fears and limitations are thrown at me, especially when they mention it while I am doing the activity at the time!

Still, I realized I have developed (or am developing) a fear I cannot, yet, overcome… a fear of being married. To me (ideally) marriage is absolute, a loving and positively affecting long-term relationship. I’m all for love, very capable of giving it unconditionally, can stay loyal and faithful, committed, inspiring and supportive while we are together. I also obviously expect it in return. So I am careful (I think, I thought…) in choosing my life partner. My recent experience confirmed, instead of refute, my apprehensions….

I was with my partner for more than a decade. I was happy to continue on as we were, thinking our relationship hardwork because of our differences and imperfections, but very much loving and strong to last our lifetime. He’s always wanted more – marriage then children (though he was the one who didnt want children "yet"). I wanted them too, but he/we weren’t yet stable, busy primarily chasing his dreams. I think one of the reasons for our breakdown was stagnancy. Initial actions/goals/plans took too long to eventuate, so everything else that was equally important (my dreams, marriage, starting a family, etc) after it, were continuously discussed, but kept at a standstill.

Anyway, we thought it was time to marry. We’ve been talking of it for several years. We decided to elope, to do a beach wedding, or a plain civil ceremony. It's stress free and perfect for us. To make the story short, while on holiday in an island overseas with friends (2005), on the spur of the moment, we ended up exchanging vows. It was a simple, elegant event.

Our ceremony was not legal. We both wanted it to be legal, but we could not meet all the legal requirements. We decided it was irrelevant, as we knew we were committed to each other (married in the eyes of God), so we planned to marry again (to abide to the law of the land) by civil ceremony in our country.

More than a year later, we still weren’t legally married (now a blessing in disguise). Too many things got in the way, like our cashflow being tightly used by the business and my hubby going overseas and getting stuck there to take care of the business. Legal marriage pushed aside until we were together again. I didn’t think it became an issue between us, as it made no difference to us/me. However, I was very uncomfortable pretending to be married (I hated lying). I felt like a hypocrite, especially to my close friends – they knew my strong views about marriage and how comfortable I was of never being married (or I should say how uncomfortable I was pretending to be married legally already) – but I kept the pretence as it was important to my partner, waiting for his return and the chance to finally do it legally. Some people also seemed to deem it important, as they reacted more accommodating… or welcoming… after hearing we were married or seeing the ring on my finger (weird… stupid… but that was how it was. If inclined, I can write another unfavorable blog on this topic).

Then personal issues and extreme differences became more apparent, especially after our unexpected (long) separation while he chased his dreams and I kept our home-life together. When he got back treatment became different (more noticeable or less acceptable); and actions/inactions very hurtful and disappointing. We/I realised we/I cannot become the right person for the other/him. Even at the airport as we headed overseas, he said we'll work on it, we loved each other unconditionally and made vows to be committed to each other. I took those promises seriously too, so I believed him. I travelled (followed my dreams). The opportunity came up so I used it. Harold did not want me with him while he took care of huge problems with our business overseas. He said I wont be physically safe to be there with him. He's been getting death threats since around September last year. He needed to focus on the business. Our relationship issues became the distraction again, put aside like our marriage. Fast forward, sadly, eventually the boundless and unconditional love we said we had for each other was not enough to keep us together as life partners, but enough to keep us as friends/family.

I’m thankful now we weren’t legally married. I’m thankful now not adopting and having children together. It made breaking our ties straightforward, no lawyers or divorce needed. After we work out our remaining responsibilities, we both can hopefully start over again smoothly.

…Anyway, at this time, I fear anything leading to a serious relationship, especially marriage, because it means long-term plans with my chosen man. The thought of loving someone as much (if not the same or more); continuous compromises and having to consider someone else (again) with every decision I make, makes me feel faint, like I cannot breathe. Ask me to marry… and I become quite phobic, feel suffocated and literally get cold feet. Most times it’s funny, I laugh at myself. Other times I think it is sadly neurotic, the downside of being strongly independent.

I do not like being this way. But I also do not care to be as giving to my next partner (unfortunately for him) in the immediate future. It’s time for “me” to be the priority now. For a long time it was “we”, “him” and “them”. Once I felt I have taken care of my dreams and my needs, only then would I love to be proven wrong - that there is a man out there who could make me say “YES” when he formally proposes. A man I would happily marry. The man I would willingly submit to, as he also willingly surrenders to me, as I surrender to him. My absolute.

Maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be ready. Or maybe I really just haven’t found the right man. As always, I leave it in God’s hands… I’m sure with a little leap of faith from me when/if the time comes.