Fear (and the triggers behind it)

I used to be fearless. I am anxious of a lot of things (a lot of things!!!!), but it never stops me from doing and trying out things, after issues such as safety and how much I want (to do) them were worked out. I also like to test my limits, most of the time surpassing them. There is a creepy-crawly I hate, which could make me feel faint, but I don’t fully fear it. I know how to keep my wits together when I see it, albeit some shrieking ;-). I have such a curiosity and zest to try out different experiences that I act in spite of my worries. Naturally, I hate it when other people’s fears and limitations are thrown at me, especially when they mention it while I am doing the activity at the time!

Still, I realized I have developed (or am developing) a fear I cannot, yet, overcome… a fear of being married. To me (ideally) marriage is absolute, a loving and positively affecting long-term relationship. I’m all for love, very capable of giving it unconditionally, can stay loyal and faithful, committed, inspiring and supportive while we are together. I also obviously expect it in return. So I am careful (I think, I thought…) in choosing my life partner. My recent experience confirmed, instead of refute, my apprehensions….

I was with my partner for more than a decade. I was happy to continue on as we were, thinking our relationship hardwork because of our differences and imperfections, but very much loving and strong to last our lifetime. He’s always wanted more – marriage then children (though he was the one who didnt want children "yet"). I wanted them too, but he/we weren’t yet stable, busy primarily chasing his dreams. I think one of the reasons for our breakdown was stagnancy. Initial actions/goals/plans took too long to eventuate, so everything else that was equally important (my dreams, marriage, starting a family, etc) after it, were continuously discussed, but kept at a standstill.

Anyway, we thought it was time to marry. We’ve been talking of it for several years. We decided to elope, to do a beach wedding, or a plain civil ceremony. It's stress free and perfect for us. To make the story short, while on holiday in an island overseas with friends (2005), on the spur of the moment, we ended up exchanging vows. It was a simple, elegant event.

Our ceremony was not legal. We both wanted it to be legal, but we could not meet all the legal requirements. We decided it was irrelevant, as we knew we were committed to each other (married in the eyes of God), so we planned to marry again (to abide to the law of the land) by civil ceremony in our country.

More than a year later, we still weren’t legally married (now a blessing in disguise). Too many things got in the way, like our cashflow being tightly used by the business and my hubby going overseas and getting stuck there to take care of the business. Legal marriage pushed aside until we were together again. I didn’t think it became an issue between us, as it made no difference to us/me. However, I was very uncomfortable pretending to be married (I hated lying). I felt like a hypocrite, especially to my close friends – they knew my strong views about marriage and how comfortable I was of never being married (or I should say how uncomfortable I was pretending to be married legally already) – but I kept the pretence as it was important to my partner, waiting for his return and the chance to finally do it legally. Some people also seemed to deem it important, as they reacted more accommodating… or welcoming… after hearing we were married or seeing the ring on my finger (weird… stupid… but that was how it was. If inclined, I can write another unfavorable blog on this topic).

Then personal issues and extreme differences became more apparent, especially after our unexpected (long) separation while he chased his dreams and I kept our home-life together. When he got back treatment became different (more noticeable or less acceptable); and actions/inactions very hurtful and disappointing. We/I realised we/I cannot become the right person for the other/him. Even at the airport as we headed overseas, he said we'll work on it, we loved each other unconditionally and made vows to be committed to each other. I took those promises seriously too, so I believed him. I travelled (followed my dreams). The opportunity came up so I used it. Harold did not want me with him while he took care of huge problems with our business overseas. He said I wont be physically safe to be there with him. He's been getting death threats since around September last year. He needed to focus on the business. Our relationship issues became the distraction again, put aside like our marriage. Fast forward, sadly, eventually the boundless and unconditional love we said we had for each other was not enough to keep us together as life partners, but enough to keep us as friends/family.

I’m thankful now we weren’t legally married. I’m thankful now not adopting and having children together. It made breaking our ties straightforward, no lawyers or divorce needed. After we work out our remaining responsibilities, we both can hopefully start over again smoothly.

…Anyway, at this time, I fear anything leading to a serious relationship, especially marriage, because it means long-term plans with my chosen man. The thought of loving someone as much (if not the same or more); continuous compromises and having to consider someone else (again) with every decision I make, makes me feel faint, like I cannot breathe. Ask me to marry… and I become quite phobic, feel suffocated and literally get cold feet. Most times it’s funny, I laugh at myself. Other times I think it is sadly neurotic, the downside of being strongly independent.

I do not like being this way. But I also do not care to be as giving to my next partner (unfortunately for him) in the immediate future. It’s time for “me” to be the priority now. For a long time it was “we”, “him” and “them”. Once I felt I have taken care of my dreams and my needs, only then would I love to be proven wrong - that there is a man out there who could make me say “YES” when he formally proposes. A man I would happily marry. The man I would willingly submit to, as he also willingly surrenders to me, as I surrender to him. My absolute.

Maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be ready. Or maybe I really just haven’t found the right man. As always, I leave it in God’s hands… I’m sure with a little leap of faith from me when/if the time comes.