The Worst In Me

I have become a worse person. First I swore at someone passionately, shouting out of control and very very angry, which I have never done in any relationship (maybe to my siblings but not partners or friends). Then I strongly hit someone about 5 times on the legs, during another angry situation (I have shoved/pushed, but never hit).

I lost the plot. I have never been placed in such an emotional situation before, and a situation where I knew I was being forced to conform to 'a reaction or action' I didnt agree to, and made to feel... cheated... that I lashed out. The spitfire in me I've always managed to control came out in full force! The situations brought out the worst in me, and it was... scary.... Scary, because someone could trigger such a reaction from me, even though I was aiming for us to deal with our issues maturely. With care, respect, honesty and understanding.

I am never going to be proud of my behaviour. But I was glad I stood my ground. Now, I am soul-searching, and trying to learn some new skills to deal with new experiences I've been made to go through, which I have never been through before. Im not talking straightforward, I know, but I am still not comfortable talking of the details behind the fight. Just that I am now feeling like a child with badly grazed knees learning how to walk. Trying to protect myself and keep myself well.

I am thankful God raised me well. I am thankful I am strong. But I am hurting badly from the experience. I take part of the blame - I left myself too open, too trusting/loving, too guile-less. I just hope I make the best decisions for myself and come out of further bad situations, if any more will occur and doubts are confirmed, with grace (even if my pride is no longer intact) and with speed.

(At the same time, the naive in me hopes for the good in the person to shine through, and for me to be proven wrong.)

First 10 I Miss And Wish I Had (While Living Off Suitcases)

• Bicycle – I still have my eyes set on a lightweight (as light as possible) folding bike with multispeed gears. Has to be folding coz of space constraints, and light coz I have to carry it through at least 2 flights of stairs all the time. It cost about £500.00, hence why I cant afford it, for now. There’s also the cost involved in shipping it with my stuff back home.
• A cross ski-trainer machine like my friend Joey has – my legs needs a workout and stretching. It cost about £90.00 on eBay. Should I buy it now, or wait til I can have it delivered to home after my London living???
• SLR Digital Camera
• A good, inexpensive waxer – whom uses hot wax, not wax strips!!
• Laser Hair Removal treatments – sick of underarm hair and ingrowns
• A good comfortable bed with soft to touch beddings
• A punch bag setup – it’s hard to box alone hitting air, my punches needs contact
• A dumb-bell set – to work my arms and lats better
• A good, inexpensive beauty therapist who does extraction during facials
• Well paying job so I can save the pounds to travel more often

Or a "papi" (married or going out with me only, of course) I absolutely love and adore (heheheh) coz I don’t know how it’s like to have someone buy and pay for lots of expensive things and luxury for me, while I just relax, sparkle, eat well, be fit and healthy and keep myself beautiful for him and me to enjoy. Then maybe I don’t have to go back home… hahahah!