Herstory: Colours Of Life

Memories or thoughts shared....

It's common for people to describe me nicely as, "not like anyone else I know".... I have come to happily agree to being a 'freak', hard to describe, or just different.... Imperfection, I see it as something beautiful and honest.... I love what I have become, and have faith in how I will be....

You choose the colours of your life.... Dream. Explore. Discover.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Never Again.... The Cost Was Too Much.

I died. I gained the world (what a beautiful world it is), but I lost my spirit.

Experience is such a great teacher, to which I have always been a keen and curious student. I was such a fool - so courageous and willing.

The past had many ups and downs, that's life. I realised how spoilt I was. Things always fell into place. I worked for it, I chased it, cried over it, but I was mostly blessed.

Then I decided to be truer to my character. Unchained restricted dreams. Unfortunately, in stepping forward to fill up what was missing in my life, I lost the most dear to me. Read previous blogs.

Positively charged from years of good nurturing and continuous self development, I left everything behind. I felt exposed and defenseless, with only my personality, charms, God, a bit of luck, and street-sense to protect me.

The world became my playground. I made good what I could. Travelled parts of the world. Opened myself to new experience, and to new wonderful love. A love short-lived, but prolonged for the memory of the fantasy, rather than truth. I should have known - relationships were meant to be enjoyed, not endured, especially at the start and when both parties say they only love each other. I went through hell. Read previous blogs for those stories too.

I can express how I am now.... Loving someone openly, naturally, unashamedly and fully cost me myself. I should have given the love to myself instead. I gave love all to him. I was left with only life to bring my pieces together. I feel irreparable. I could no longer be who I was. Absolutely never. The old me definitely forever gone.

People see it from time to time, when I put on the act, or try to be the old me. But they could see the effort and feel the unease. I never had to put it on before, it all came out without thought. Friends and colleagues tell me all the time they miss how I was. I joked at least they saw it before extinction. They give me the same forced/broken smile I give them, words of encouragement, sometimes hugs and kisses, and move on to another topic.

The hardest for me to deal with is that I am always scared... petrified. I cannot think or decide or hear my thoughts. Self-worth is intact, but I guess... courage(?) and inner strength(?) are lacking. I am plainly scared - completely broken, disillusioned, hurt and unbelieving. Emotionally and physically spent. I am alive outside, but inside love put me through a painful and torturing slow death. I fought hard, but lost, still hardly believing someone could be so... self-serving.

Now as I am dead inside, I exist just for the fact that I breathe. But no longer recognisable. My outlook for a partial comeback is grim. I may spend the rest of my life to recover. That will be the new chase. My heart has locked, that special place I allowed for love to burst in has caved in. No longer able to love fully like a child. Future lovers will have to settle for the communal area though they make take a larger space than others.

While I still breathe I make do. I try to live, follow the hollow routine, because I exist. At times I remember the inspirations that made me me. But mostly I am defeated and deathly in my heart. No longer a beautiful freak.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Ice Cream

Not an experience I’m proud of, but here’s another first in my list of misadventures – fully moving my things out of my ex’s house.

He offered to let me keep my belongings there, until I leave the country for good. I knew keeping a link with him would keep me vulnerable, so I refused. He kept pushing for how he thought we should deal with the situation. I kept reacting and pushing for my own ideas. We weren’t amicable. Mainly because I was crazy (I’ve been crazy for several months now) and he was disgusted by how I treated him.

He treated me as well as he could. I had no doubt he truly loved me. But I didn't believe much else, and knew I deserved much more than the circumstances gave me. He retaliated with provoking statements. He said it in anger. I believed he said it because it was half meant, therefore he partly believed it, so I took it as how he truly felt. Was I too sensitive? Sensitive yes, but too sensitive, no. No matter how angry I was, I never brought the same provoking issues against him, albeit half meant.

So I cried myself to sleep in a separate room. And woke up immediately crying before I even remembered where I was. Then I composed myself enough to shiftily erase my contact numbers on his mobile, but for one. I asked him to do it earlier, but he refused. I feared a breakdown if he could reach me everywhere. So I connived to do it while he slept. I relaxed slightly, enough to fall asleep again. I was caught straight away in the morning, and received an earful of….

It was the coldest night of my life, not only because of the temperature and the weather, but because of how my heart and body felt. Then I woke up to a fucking beautiful morning. I looked out the window and everything was covered with snow. I remembered early this year I was smiling blissfully while we walked hand in hand on the same path. A few weeks ago he said he was writing my name while we talked on the phone. I dug my feet on the ground while I unashamedly cried, wanted so much to run to his arms and take all the blame, just so we could be together, even if only for today. But I knew what I started, why I started it, and how hard it was to continue it. I needed to end the cycle. So I stood my ground, grateful that he didn’t come out and sweep me off my feet. Grateful he was hard, mean and offensive, as I was to him.

Car service booked. Car service arrived 40 minutes early. I left the house, barely exchanging a murmur of goodbyes. In the car, all I could think of was no longer being able to kiss his lips again, and feeling so disappointed that in my rush I left the last thing he bought me – ice cream – in the freezer.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Snippets of my condition...

with special thanks to Lauryn Hill for 'kicks in the rights direction'
(After Door No 2...)

Nothing is worse than knowing something I cherished the most has ended. That is was beyond my control and now forever lost. I realise I fell in love with a fantasy, not a reality.

All that I know is gone, all that I was building on.

Whatever changed my love to despair….? Trap laid, I knew him, but not as who he is. He is one-dimensional. Mister Promotional.

Fantasy is what people want but reality is what they need. I’ve retired from fantasy.


I know that a life without love is no life at all. But love without trust, what of that???

The road to hell is filled with good intentions. The only way out is through confrontation, not retreat.

I gotta find peace of mind, in a lasting relationship not based on ownership.


I get out of all your boxes. Can't hold me in your chains and psychological locks. Repressing true emotions. Promoting mass deception. I don’t respect and won't protect your system.

If I have to die to be released from you, that’s how I choose to live.


I won't be compromised anymore. Can't be victimised no more. I just don’t sympathise no more. Coz now I understand. You just wanted to use me. You say you love me and abuse me. You never thought you’d lose me. How quickly we forget that nothing is certain. You thought I’d stay here hurting.

Your guilt trips not working. Repressing me to death. Now I'm choosing life, taking the sacrifice. If everything must go, then go. That’s how I choose to live. No more compromises. I see past your disguises, appealing through mind control, charms and good deeds, trying to make my heart your slave.

I don’t know how to go back, always moving forward. Promises deceived. Time takes care of wounds. Not the type to look back, call it selfish but I'm grateful of it.

These are the hymns of my heart. The core of my being.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Travel Wishlist

Countries/Places To Experience Before I Die

Alaska
Iceland
Antartic/Artic
Sweden
Finland
Denmark (not only Copenhagen)
Norway
Nepal (Mt Everest, 1km up from basecamp at least!!)
Burma/Myanmar
Thailand
Vietnam
Cambodia
Laos
Philippines
China
Papua New Guinea
India
USA (New Orleans, Denver, New York State, Niagara Falls)
Portugal
Spain (Ibiza, etc)
South Africa
Morocco
Egypt
Libya
East Africa Safari Tour (and Victoria Falls)
Seychelles
Maldives
Mauritius
Malta
Tahiti
Vanuatu
(Western) Samoa
Fiji
Tonga
New Caledonia
Canada (Niagara Falls)
Mexico
Jamaica
Cuba
The Bahamas and some Caribbean Islands
Greece and several Greek Islands
Italy (Venice, Rome, etc)
Peru
Brazil
Chile
Argentina
Venezuela
United Arab Emirates
Saudi Arabia
Syria
Iran
Israel

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Behind on Travelblogs

(still editing... I cant remember a lot right now....)

Since Maui, I have seen the following places:

- Paris (2nd time),
- Switzerland (Lausanne, Montreux, Geneva, Bern, Interlaken, Lungern, Luzern, Basel, Zurich, Schnauffhausen, etc)
- Germany (Stuttgart, Berlin, Munich)
- Hungary (Budapest)
- Slovakia (Bratislava)
- Czech Republic (Prague)
- Poland (Krakow, Oswiecem, Birkenau)
- The Netherlands (Haarlem and Amsterdam)
- Luxembourg (City)
- Denmark (Kobenhavn)
- Russia (Mockba and St Petersburg)
- Turkey (Istanbul and Antalya).

Within UK, I've so far only been to London and Liverpool.


Here are some memories from each trip:

PARIS
  • Twice travelled 45mins minimum one-way, changing 3 metro line each time, to have my Vietnamese Pho Special (again), YUM!
  • Room on the 4th floor, no elevator, winding staircase, had to carry my suitcase up and then down on my own!
  • String bracelet scam – I walked away with a free bracelet, hahaha! Beat the dude to his own game, he didn’t know what happened, hahahah! But I lost it after I had to go back to save my guy friend from the same scam. The dude recovered and pulled it off my hand while I quarreled with his partner. I should have put it in my pocket straight away, hahahah!
  • The longest queue we had to fall in line for to reserve our eurail tickets.
  • Now I see more dog turds, and lotsa baby clothes stores!!?!
  • Notre Dame looking beautiful at night
  • Finished my first bottle of red wine on my own, and I was only tipsy!
  • Friendship/relationship talks

SWITZERLAND

  • Lausanne - Friend blaming an old lady for the odd smell next to him inside the restaurant, thinking the lady disgraced herself, when it was the cheese they were eating, hahahah!!!
  • Eurail made all train trips free!!!
  • Montreux fest closed on Sunday, and it was raining
  • So we went to Geneva
  • Monday all day first class train ride while the rain poured – Lausanne, Bern, Interlaken, Lungern, Luzern, Basel (lunch), Zurich and Schnauffnasen.

POLAND

  • Sunset on the way while on the train
  • Second class shocker, people were standing packed along the walkway! My buddy wouldnt accept less than first class train travel since, lol!
  • First delay experienced in the trip, 20mins approx due to damaged tracks
  • Oswiecim and Birkenau - it was hard to not be upset
  • Pierego and pancakes
  • Really liked Central Krakow and Polish ambience
  • Wawel Castle was nice

BRATISLAVA

  • Main train stn Hlavna Stanica, about 1km north of the centre
  • Saw little, wasnt there long enough, but was glad i stopped over to glance
  • Aimed to see as much of the city centre and the castle area
  • First (and only? of two?) biatch fight with my travel buddy happened here, lol!

PRAGUE

  • Everywhere you look, the buildings were over-spectacular!!
  • A lot of Star Wars influence came from here, eg Darth Vader, the spaceship, etc
  • Plzen beer - Czech Republic's golden nectar... I was tipsy a lot again
  • Prague tour and free dinner, Rennie, Ahmed and Serife
  • Role as a sidekick
  • Missing my (i thought at the time) beautiful friend

GERMANY

  • I love Germany, I knew this since last year!
  • In Stuttgart, felt sleepy and tired (a few euphemism here), but dinner was nice
  • Kasespatzle and maultauschen and beer
  • In Munich, it was nice to see Marienplatz again, the same buildings are still being renovated
  • Long wait for Budapest train overnighter from Stuttgart
  • Watched our Copenhagen train leave us, even though we were waiting for it for approx 20mins at the flatform, in Berlin
  • I like the no-nonsense and efficient German approach i keep sensing and seeing

BUDAPEST

  • A diamond in the rough, beautiful touristy yet still cutely lacking or rough in places
  • Neverending search for langos (fried dough with cheese or cream from food stand)
  • Egri bikaver – bull’s blood beer
  • Vilmospalinka – brandy made with plums or apricots
  • Szek szardi wine
  • Eclectic hostel with shonky owner
  • Dilapidated buildings needing care
  • Crazy drivers not stopping for peds
  • Pest more touristy than Buda
  • Nice day of sunshine
  • Funky water – theodoro kukkuti
  • Esther and Lazslo
  • Turosteszta - had the pasta but did not taste the dessert
  • Gypsy cymbolos concert with tv blaring in background and microwaved food in Giero recommended by hostel owner Adam
  • Hostel where we stayed old kitsch
  • Eating watermelons late at night while it rained and thundered

COPENHAGEN

  • I loved the hippie side and could live there - Christianhavn
  • Loved how relaxed I felt while there, I think it reminded me of Melbourne during summer
  • Met a guy typically named Bern, got his email address, and took several photos of him - which eventually inspired my friend to "Carpe Diem" about a Berlin girl ;-)
  • Bought some nice, old handpainted potteries
  • Got tipsy again while having lunch and drinking beer produced in the country, in King's Park
  • Little Mermaid's statue was a nice treat
  • Best shower we had during our Europe trip was in the train's shower while it was moving!! Hahahah! Strong water current, high showerhead, and new spacious shower area.

AMSTERDAM & HAARLEM

  • Flat land, no mountains, rolling hills?
  • Good place to go with friends intending to run amok and smoke marijuana (it's legal there)!!
  • Hard to take photos of the ladies in the windows, apparently we're not supposed to??!!?
  • No men in the windows!!!? What about my demands!!?! ;-P
  • Made sure we stepped out of Amsterdam, at least to Haarlem, because I felt it was unfair to think of Netherlands just as how Amsterdam tourism is portraying it.
  • Best room out of our Europe Trip was in Amsterdam, but far from the city centre (had to catch a tram) - high ceilings, huge space, comfy lux bed!

LUXEMBOURG

  • Very rich, but boring (on weekends), but relaxed
  • All cars were posh!
  • You can feel the reason why Lux-ers will feel proud and even pompous about their country
  • Nice place to visit once, or maybe when much older, to get a sense of their culture and pride, in an enjoyable slow pace

RUSSIA

  • I loved Russia
  • A rough diamond - many contradictions and extremes
  • Beautiful architecture/buildings, amazing underground stations, sense of precision and grandness while I walked/travelled around....
  • Then you see rabid dogs everywhere (like huge pigeons), lots and lots of drunks and homeless people, lots of uniforms showing authority (which you later work out even gardeners wear), and cops beating people midday in full view!
  • In tourist areas... safer than expected... but like some cities, eg New York, making one wrong turn into a non-touristy street... I couldnt help but feel on edge... that I was testing my luck and safety. People with non-white features be aware (not beware!) but definitely should still go at least to Moscow and St Petersburg!
  • Two overnight trains between Moscow and St Petersburg, and i kissed the angel/old man whom helped and translated for us out of overwhelming gratitude!
  • I was freezing all the time, since I packed in haste, and was running away, so I forgot my jacket amongst many things!
  • Overnight stay in Munich in a hotel close to the airport
  • Early morning bad news our Munich to Moscow flight cancelled!!! We lucked it by going to Vienna (chance passengers) where we caught a Vienna to Moscow flight. Whew!!
  • Then my friend had to deal with lost baggage, which arrived 30mins before we were heading off to St Petersburg!
  • I was quite sick and broken during this trip, so I slept most of the time instead of trying to be a local. I didnt have the physical and psychological strength to throw myself out there to experience it fully. It would be good to go back for around 5 days in each city....
  • Dont know if I just really needed some soul food, but I absolutely loved eating at a Georgian Restaurant in St Petersburg!! The soups lifted my spirit and energised me!
  • Loved Tuborg beer!
  • Also got lucky being recommended to go to an Ottoman restaurant in Moscow, where we ate all the time! Loved the fresh Moroccan mint tea!

TURKEY

  • I loved Turkey, I could even consider living there
  • Accommodation was new, in a very quiet but still touristy street (so we had plenty of choices for hangouts and upmarket restaurants) in Sultahnamet, Istanbul
  • Dining, chilling, smoking and dancing in Reina while enjoying the night view of Bosphorous Strait and Bosphorous Bridge
  • Shisha-ed and smoked until my head hurt or til i couldnt stand my mouth tasting like an ashtray anymore
  • Always drunk, tipsy or feeling high (from alcohol)!! Hahahah!
  • For the first time in all my trips, I got sick of eating local cuisines!!
  • Was too lazy to chase my favourite turkish delights!! And it would have been awesome there!!!!??!
  • Avoided taxis as much as possible, caught trams, buses and ferries instead! Twas fun to work it out and soooh easy!!!
  • My best moment in Istanbul was lying down on cushions on the floor, sucking on a shisha pipe, or puffing cigarettes, drinking Russian beer, reading a book, oblivious of anyone, while a cool September wind blows through the window next to me.
  • In Antalya, we stayed in a pension house located within the Old Town of Kaleici, away from traffic/city noises and modern buildings - very nice!
  • Tried different beaches in Antalya, which we had to travel to get to - Konyaalti was the best and preferred by locals, then Lara. Memerli was too close to the marina to stay clean and a paid beach, but the sunset view was nice.
  • In Lara we met, smoked and drank with 2 very nice locals - Fico and Alpay
  • My best moment in Antalya was swimming alone or far from the beach, facing towards the sea. There were several moments where I just wanted to keep swimming away til I was tired, which was suicidal because there was nothing but the sea in front of me, so I had to control the urge.

LIVERPOOL

  • Old buildings, with a quieter ambience compared to London, very nice
  • Tate Liverpool
  • Meeting Mr Hyde
  • Embraced merrily the British culture of drinking pints of beers for hours, while in good company :-) !! Cheers!
  • Then received the most disgusting news I've ever heard about someone, and I have never been the same since

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Quick Update

- Hating the limescale in the water, but learned to live with it
- Losing my tan rapidly, Maui trip was my best tan ever!
- I miss nature/outdoors, the 3 parks in my area are not enough
- Cancelled 3 dates last week, so I guess im still not in the market (well, 2 dates and 1 catch-up with a guy friend)
- Instead spending time with the ladies, them prepping me up for the dating market, I should be ready within 2 weeks..??
- Just found out a girlfriend wants me to date her brother, hahahah!
- One other friend is quickly trying to set me up with his friend as well!!!
- Loving my new roommates, glad to be back "home"
- Job front not good, not good at all
- Missing my Delight terribly!!!! Im purring for her.... I know from her I received unconditional and true love, even though she was only a cat
- Again noticed how lonely people are... and lost....
- Not looking for my better man, if he finds me all good, if he doesnt it's not the end of life, instead im busy playing life with enthusiasm....
- Trying to be strong, or accepting of my weakness when I cant
- Not feeling happy at the moment, I faded into someone I dont want to be, stuck in confusion, trying to deal
- When I think Im alone or no one's paying attention, I always break. Since start of this month, tears fell daily/nightly
- Went through several upto 8kilos weight fluctuations, gained and lost, no diets required
- Missing good food and quality ingredients
- Now I understand why people drink alcohol to numb down everything going on within, or to put a pause on dealing with anything as one is too intoxicated
- Cookings skills has not improved, heheheh - e.g. i whipped some pasta together like a chef with limited ingredients, canned pasta from the supermarket would have been tastier, hahah, aaargh!!!
- Missing my innocence/naivety, yet trying to be a bitch! It's hard to be someone Im (so obviously) not!!! Aaarrgh! :-)
- Trying to be a better liar, but failing when it counts!!! Aaaargh (again!)!!!
- Decided London is temporary
- Have lots of catch-up stories to blog about my travel etc, some already started, but feeling down, it has been hard to finish them off

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I Have My Heart Back

For a long time I was in limbo land where my mind told me to move on and my heart still hoped for 'happily ever after'.

On Friday I knew. I finally had my heart back.

I am released, relaxed and empowered.

Out of love, no regrets, only forgiveness.

Never forgetting. Many lessons learned.

Self-worth tattered, yet intact and strong.

The spot in my heart only one man may occupy, for now, emptied, locked and hidden.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Aloha Memories

  • Being in Maui for a week when I never imagined I’d be going there!!
  • Spending time with my friend and her family (especially the kids), I love them!
  • Hugs and kisses from the kids
  • Finding some peace, just the pick-me-up my spirit needed
  • Teaching my godchild’s 8-year old brother how to snorkel confidently and how to communicate underwater
  • Taking a cruise to a snorkel spot (Coral Garden unfortunately instead of Molokini due to choppy waters)
  • Seeing him (my godchild's brother) deal with strong currents and huge waves, knowing where to place himself depending on whether he wants to surf it or avoid the break
  • Hearing him sing (he even sang the ‘Beautiful Girl’ song from last year! xoxo)
  • Eating home-cooked meals, eating out was expensive!
  • Finding grilled mahi-mahi cooked in a private home’s frontyard (most authentic Polynesian/Hawaiian meal I had, cheap and delicious too!!!)

  • Wearing flowers on my hair
  • Bought and wore a grass skirt costume, plus extra leis and a coconut top, lol!
  • Bought a hula girl car window hanger as a souvenir
  • Seeing my godchild smile, and wearing her little grass skirt costume, with a coconut top! So cute!!!
  • Spoke conversational Tagalog as much as English! I was told at least 40% of people living in Maui are from the Philippines Islands!!
  • Pupu Tiku Lounge in Kihei
  • Attended a Hawaiian luau at Marriot Hotel, where I sampled some traditional dishes. Unfortunately the food were not warm, so i struggled to eat and finish my meal, but still ate because i was hungry, heheheh!

  • Yellow gumamelas, never seen them before…!!

  • Turkey bacon, grilled eggplant, salted eggs and salmon sashimi

  • Touring and seeing most of Maui (sunrise at Haleakala which wasn’t really fantastic considering the travel/effort involved, Hana Tour (Blacksand Beach was our fave), Makena (Big Beach), Lahaina, Maui Vista along Kihei (Kam 3), and Kapalua

  • Swimming and snorkeling in warm water!!
  • Being crushed by the waves and pulled by the current, almost drowning 4 times in different beaches, while being dragged by the current along the shore in ankle/knee deep water!!!
  • Snorkelling on my own along the rocks between Kamaole 1, 2 and 3. This was an achievement because I didn’t get too scared even though I was alone farther out at sea, had no bodyboard/flotation device and the current was quite strong. But I made sure I communicated to the lifeguards, swam out when it was still low tide, and kept orientating myself to the shore
  • Farewell tears from all…. They have a special place in my heart
  • A lady treating me a biscuit (some sort of doughy bread, like the ones used for Devonshire teas) while I was waiting to pay for my sandwich, after she convinced me to buy one for myself
  • Too many connecting flights, 2 from East Coast, then 3 to go home!! With 3-4 hours of layover each time!! So tiring!
  • Appreciated my laptop as company, watched lots of movies during layovers
  • Earplugs and eye covers are the best travel items I always have with me!!!
  • Too many flirtatious comments, etc… I couldn’t appreciate it when I was tired and cranky! I just wanted to be left alone!!! Grrrrr!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

East Coast to Hawaii… And The Number 2

(in snippets once again…)

  • Second trip where I felt sad while flying
  • Second flight where I had tears in my eyes
  • Feeling at least second best
  • Never sleeping longer than 2 hours each try
  • Bought my second US mobile phone number
  • Second trip to Baltimore and Arizona
  • Each non-home-cooked meals I had were portions enough for 2 people
  • Two life-changing realizations
  • Second chance gone, and second chance given
  • Two goodbyes, possibly with finality
  • Two black suitcases
  • Two hundred dollars
  • Rode my 2nd worst flight from Baltimore to Phoenix (5hrs, fraying seats, no earplugs for music/movie, no food, no pillow, no blanket, just the seats hahahah, couldn’t sleep and I really needed it). At least I was in 4F, the window seat behind first class – the second best seats, heheheh. First worst flight was March 2008 flight to Melbourne for a wedding – I was very sick yet hiding it for a 26hours approx flight home. Ugh!
  • Two planes to reach Maui (5hrs from Baltimore, waiting now for 4hrs for connecting flight in Phoenix, to board a 6.5hrs flight to Kahului)
  • Two-hour wait for my friends in Kahului Airport coz I will arrive earlier than them
  • Second opportunity to spend time with my friend and her family from California!
  • Second chance to muck around with my godchild and her sweet brother!!!

Friday, June 06, 2008

It's All Downhill From Here

Im rude, petty, spiteful, out-of-place-proud, and sick of trying to be considerate or understanding. In the past i made sure disagreements were dealt with immediately. Now i prefer to walk/run away, act like its not happening just so it ends the discussion, and disregard any intention by other parties to bring it up again.

I dont understand my own feelings anymore. Cant trust my own judgment anymore. There's a feeling of black cloud hanging over me. I just do not know anymore what to believe - what i see, what im told, or how i feel. It is a new experience not being grounded with myself, and being made to feel like im the one who is not understanding or making things up... that nothing is wrong or not making sense. It makes me feel insecure, unsure of who i am and what i know. The pain which continously scratches my heart, at times striking it with vigour, ripping my spirit to shreds, is overwhelming. Internalising everything is harder nowadays, and it doesnt improve my ability to cope. I am losing my sense of peace, self-worth and good self-evaluation.

I feel like everything i say now is offensive. And the more im being told so, the more I act it up to make it true! I retaliate, throwing my issues back, irrational and illogical, destructive and ill-tempered! So everything gets worse.

Maybe i know the answers. Maybe i already know what i should do. Maybe i just cant accept the truth, wistfully praying I am very wrong. Maybe this time i am finding it hard to accept the decisions, and therefore actions, i know i will take. So i am stuck, allowing myself to marinate in this confusing, negative state of mind. Afraid and pained and embarrassed of my behaviours towards the people im hurting (back).

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Worst In Me

I have become a worse person. First I swore at someone passionately, shouting out of control and very very angry, which I have never done in any relationship (maybe to my siblings but not partners or friends). Then I strongly hit someone about 5 times on the legs, during another angry situation (I have shoved/pushed, but never hit).

I lost the plot. I have never been placed in such an emotional situation before, and a situation where I knew I was being forced to conform to 'a reaction or action' I didnt agree to, and made to feel... cheated... that I lashed out. The spitfire in me I've always managed to control came out in full force! The situations brought out the worst in me, and it was... scary.... Scary, because someone could trigger such a reaction from me, even though I was aiming for us to deal with our issues maturely. With care, respect, honesty and understanding.

I am never going to be proud of my behaviour. But I was glad I stood my ground. Now, I am soul-searching, and trying to learn some new skills to deal with new experiences I've been made to go through, which I have never been through before. Im not talking straightforward, I know, but I am still not comfortable talking of the details behind the fight. Just that I am now feeling like a child with badly grazed knees learning how to walk. Trying to protect myself and keep myself well.

I am thankful God raised me well. I am thankful I am strong. But I am hurting badly from the experience. I take part of the blame - I left myself too open, too trusting/loving, too guile-less. I just hope I make the best decisions for myself and come out of further bad situations, if any more will occur and doubts are confirmed, with grace (even if my pride is no longer intact) and with speed.

(At the same time, the naive in me hopes for the good in the person to shine through, and for me to be proven wrong.)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

First 10 I Miss And Wish I Had (While Living Off Suitcases)

  • Bicycle – I still have my eyes set on a lightweight (as light as possible) folding bike with multispeed gears. Has to be folding coz of space constraints, and light coz I have to carry it through at least 2 flights of stairs all the time. It cost about £500.00, hence why I cant afford it, for now. There’s also the cost involved in shipping it with my stuff back home.
  • A cross ski-trainer machine like my friend Joey has – my legs needs a workout and stretching. It cost about £90.00 on eBay. Should I buy it now, or wait til I can have it delivered to home after my London living???
  • SLR Digital Camera
  • A good, inexpensive waxer – whom uses hot wax, not wax strips!!
  • Laser Hair Removal treatments – sick of underarm hair and ingrowns
  • A good comfortable bed with soft to touch beddings
  • A punch bag setup – it’s hard to box alone hitting air, my punches needs contact
  • A dumb-bell set – to work my arms and lats better
  • A good, inexpensive beauty therapist who does extraction during facials
  • Well paying job so I can save the pounds to travel more often

Or a "papi" (married or going out with me only, of course) I absolutely love and adore (heheheh) coz I don’t know how it’s like to have someone buy and pay for lots of expensive things and luxury for me, while I just relax, sparkle, eat well, be fit and healthy and keep myself beautiful for him and me to enjoy. Then maybe I don’t have to go back home… hahahah!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

First Ten I Love/Miss This London Spring

First 10 I Love this London Spring
  • Tulips – growing everywhere! It’s common in gardens here!
  • Seeing flowers when I wake up in the morning or while I walk around the house
  • Hugs and kisses in the morning
  • Sunshine!! And the heat that radiates from it! Especially on a rainy day!
  • Not feeling sick
  • Canned corn kernels
  • Good arthouse/indie films on TV
  • Getting internet connection at home
  • Not working and not bored
  • Sleep!!

First 10 I Miss This London Spring

  • Salsa dance lessons and the social aspect of it
  • Eating out, having multicultural cuisines
  • My old neighbourhood – the hustle and bustle, accessibility and convenience
  • Internet connection
  • Socialising with my girlies, even if only once a week
  • Having public transport, foodshops, and fashion shops, right at my doorstep
  • Walking and sitting in the park
  • Meeting new and worthwhile people
  • Having disposable income to travel, watch plays, and buy things
  • Sports – rockclimbing, cycling, swimming, hiking, camping, canoeing or even just going to the gym to join boxercise and aerobics

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My First 10 Favourites While on a Snowboarding Trip in Austria (Salzburg and Kaprun)

1. Getting off the plane and seeing the mountainscape (I silently started singing in my head, "The hills are alive... with the sound of music....", heheheh)


2. Snowboarding!!! Wearing my goggles again (and my other gears like boots, wrist guard and jacket)!


3. Snow all over me, all around me, the familiar feeling of snow-wet and cold...


4. Nutella on nutty bread


5. Nutella on banana


6. Vodka!


7. Bauschpeck i managed to take back home!


8. Touring Salzburg on my own


9. A random guy stopped me and bought me a tulip from a vendor standing in a laneway (see picture on the right)... he said a few words in his language then walked away smiling! Made me smile!! Love moments like this! Pity I couldnt bring the flower back home with me.


10. Getting to know my travel partner

Thursday, March 20, 2008

First 10 Favourites in Melbourne


1. My little beautiful sweet Delight!!
2. Kisses, nudges and hugs from my Delight
3. Seeing really good mates and my ex (i feel like crying thinking about them visiting/calling me while sick, really appreciated it)
4. Food my workmate friend brought me while sick
5. Flowers my bestfriend gave me while sick
6. Mobile charger my ex bought for me so I could receive calls/sms from overseas
7. My laptop, the only good source of entertainment I had while confined
8. Bon Bho Hue - Vietnamese soup
9. Professional foot treatment and a proper professional wax(cheaper than London)
10. Closure

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Beautiful (Ghana)

Postscript (April 2009): The man I referred to as 'driver' from when I went back to Accra from Kumasi, his name is J(oops! I decided to make it private again Aug2011, for his sake, lol). I did most of my wonderful travels in Ghana with him. I kept his identity private coz I thought it was what he preferred. But I found out he didnt mind, even took offense that I just called him 'driver', heheheh. If he looked at the title of this blog, he would have realised I named it after him - his name meaning 'beautiful'. This blog was written and dedicated to him. So I am letting it be known much more clearly now. :-)

I wish I had more spare time, could type fast, and was more journalistic, so I could express fully and properly how much I experienced, learned and valued my visit to Ghana.

I would always cherish this trip, and keep it closest to my heart. It was also there where I recognized a moment where I felt happiest… fulfilled… and it has been a while since I have personally felt this good.

I have met many interesting people. I ate deliciously prepared dishes and fruits. I saw beautiful landscapes and waterfalls. I witnessed the country’s “outback”, city life and its history. Most unforgettably, I experienced unexpected heartwarming generosity, and humbling acts of kindness without expected returns/favours, from people of various walks of life.

I went there with very little expectation, simply because I didn’t know what to expect! For example, I knew my accommodation will be better than mud huts, but I prepared myself to sleep in a small bedroom with lots of people and no air conditioning. I brought a permethrin-treated bedsheet and a mosquito net to use, just in case. I prepared for “hard yakka” – or living very simply. I cared little about standard of accommodation, food, climate and activities. But I paid attention to keeping myself healthy (vaccinations, sickness preventions, etc) throughout my trip. I disregarded those issues (except health matters) that usually concerned travelers and even prevented tourists from visiting a country. I threw caution to the wind! I just wanted to experience “it” myself.

I realised (after this trip) that most people who only hear about Africa have several negative impressions about the continent. Their prejudices are quite strong- out of ignorance, society’s generalisation, media's gross misrepresentation, and lack of active willingness to find out if the stories they hear were really true, or not. I am hardly the person who can enlighten you and clear you of those prejudices, but I will try to write truthfully how I felt about those concerns.

So in snippets, I hope I will be able to convey well some of my experiences and impressions of/in Ghana….

- People, including I until I was made aware of it, think of Africa as a country, rather than a continent. Oh, I knew Africa had many countries. I also wanted to visit Egypt, Morocco and South Africa, if my finance would allow it. But somehow when I first arrived I was talking about Ghana like all of Africa is the same!! It’s like saying Taiwan and Indonesia are the same - in culture, language and food! It’s the same ignorant generalisation people have when they call all Asians or people with slanting eyes as Chinese, then they verbalize Japanese phrases!! Tsk tsk tsk! I thought I knew better, but there I was, embarrassingly guilty of this in the first week of my trip to Ghana. (….It just pushed my desire to visit more African countries to personally experience its diversity….)

- I wanted to travel as much as possible safely around Ghana and even to surrounding countries like Cote D Ivoire, Togo and Benin. I was also looking forward (a little bit) to watching the African Cup (soccer). Unfortunately, I did not get to visit the neighbouring countries, too much civil unrest, robberies (and friends were worried about voodoo!!!), and the visa charges quoted to me by embassy staff were exorbitant I choked my way out of their offices in Accra. I wondered if I was quoted the actual charges or the “obroni” (white man) price…?

- Ghanaians are peace-loving people. I asked if there were any existing tribal wars or possibility of one starting. The replies were varying degrees of, “unlikely”. However, (I was informed several times that) since Rawlings left presidency, his security service changed profession, joined forces with outlaws from neighbouring countries, and took to kidnapping and armed robberies. Poverty, poor economy, corruption and introduction of imported narcotics in the community have expectedly created problems in the country, much like what other countries with drug-related problems are going through. Similar stories are told whereby in the past houses were left unlocked and there was no need to hire bodyguards. Nowadays, people reminisce about those peaceful times lost, and try to optimistically hold on to neighbourly trust as much as they can, ‘cause it is too important to lose.

- The possibility of being kidnapped or robbed was high, especially at night as we headed home. Police checkpoints were actively introduced to combat the robberies and drug trafficking, but the ‘baddies’ could still be waiting between the checkpoints. So after each of the 3-4 police checkpoints we passed on the way home, we were speeding as fast as we “safely” could to make sure we weren’t followed. I was glad the driver felt very competent and I felt safe even though we were going up to 180km on city roads, and running red lights! I know it sounds extreme, but when you’re considering what you are trying to avoid, it definitely felt safer for us to speed!! We used the car as our weapon. Once we believed we were followed after the last checkpoint, thankfully nothing happened. Other than this problem when traveling at night, I was completely at ease.

- On the positive side, when I arrived by bus back to Accra from Kumasi, I could not be picked up from the bus terminal. I had to find my own way!! Picture a lone, tired, young-looking female obroni, carrying a heavy, large pink suitcase and a large bulky backpack, in the middle of the night, not knowing where I was heading, and could not speak their dialect!!! I didn’t even know where or how far away the place was! The person meant to pick me up was not at all worried about what I was about to do, and trusted his fellows. I knew about the robbery and kidnapping epidemic, so obviously I was freaking out and wanted to cry!!! Praying, and using some street-smart, I asked the bus driver to help me (he was religious, prayed before we started our journey, and played gospel songs the whole 6hr trip). He found a taxi driver; told me how much I should be charged (I asked him earlier so I could negotiate); and he convinced the taxi driver to not take advantage of the situation. Then the taxi driver took his directions over the phone and off we went. The whole trip (30-45mins) I was making casual conversation but my heart was in my mouth, on high alert, especially when we passed some dark, ghetto-hood streets to avoid traffic, but we were the only vehicle passing there!! He said if we stuck to main roads, I’d be in the taxi with him at least another hour. When I started recognizing the streetscape (2mins to our destination) I almost hugged and kissed the taxi driver (Frankie) out of gratitude!!! I was extremely relieved! I gave him much more than the agreed fare, plus all my coins. We were both happy!!

- People used to always give rides to hitchhikers, but fear of robbers made them stop. We gave a ride 5 times, even though we were strictly told not to!... First ride was to 2 school girls going home, on our way to the beach. If they walked, their little feet would have taken them hours to get home! The rest of the hitches were up to/from Northern Ghana, also to people whom would have had to walk hours to get to their destination. Of course we risk-assessed, we were far from home! But I loooooved that we did, and found out so much about various people’s lives this way. I made their day too apparently coz some of them have never seen or spoken to an obroni before. So when we dropped them off, their neighbours saw them and would chat/gossip about it. Cute funny!

- We chatted to 2 teenagers we gave rides to. They lived very, VERY simple lives. The next town was like another country to them. Both didn’t know how old they were. The girl was asked why she didn’t ask her mother, she said it wasn’t important. IT WASN’T IMPORTANT!! Wow…. Her statement (reflecting her life) struck me. The boy was so hugely-built, obviously from manual labour. He was so grateful for the ride home (he would have had to walk approx 8hours to get to town, where he can get a ride to go home) he was giving us the yams he was going to sell in the market for free! What they didn’t know was that we were grateful to them because they can confirm we were heading the right direction….

- Ghanaians have no concept of time. They say, “I’ll be there in 15mins” but arrive 1-2hours later, and not apologize for being late. (Hahahah! I mentioned in my previous blog, I think African and Asian cultures are very similar.) Also, it doesn’t seem to matter if they are in Ghana or overseas, some still follow this… habit.

- I realised Ghana was an off-the-beaten-track country for most people to visit. Even my Ghanaian friends did not believe I was going to their country until I actually bought my ticket! When tourists think of Africa, they go to Morocco, Egypt, South Africa or a safari trip in East Africa. Not Ghana. But Ghana is also beautiful, rich in culture, and very safe (albeit many travel vaccinations and precautions beforehand, which applies to most of Africa). It’s a pity that the country is not being actively promoted as a tourism destination, especially when the African Cup was held there. I didn’t see any advertisement/promotion about the Cup or Ghana outside the country.

- Talking of ads, I was on TV, hahahah! I was interviewed in my full Ghana get-up during one of the soccer matches. A few people recognized me. It was really fun to get into the spirit of SOCCER. It took over the whole nation!

- Ghanaians love to talk about politics and soccer.

- Ghanaians are very… passionate… when expressing their emotions, usually with a loud voice and lots of body/hand movements. One hot day I was left inside a car blocking many buses way out of a terminal. We were disrupting flow of business there, which was already chaotic! We were told to park there by the way, to pick up a package. Imagine lonely me, in yet another tense situation. It quickly got to a point where after about 10mins of tension, the hot-headed men surrounded the car (at least 20), shouting and likely cursing in their dialects, hitting/slapping the windows and the hood, trying to open the doors!! I managed to speak to someone in English after telling everyone I will only speak to him (he was the ONLY one telling another guy to calm down, so I quickly pointed to him to ask if he spoke English), worked out the problem, and quickly asked him to move the car for me! Now, I would have moved the car myself, but it was manual, and the place was packed bumper to bumper full of people, goods and vehicles (buses, trucks, vans, cars)!! One bunny hop from neutral to first gear, I definitely would have hit someone or something, which was the last thing I wanted to do there. I was glad the keys were left in the ignition! The funny thing was, as soon as I was having a conversation to the guy in English, everyone (everyone!!!) went quiet and listened and even smiled/laughed in agreement! Like they weren’t ready to kill me 30 seconds ago!! Then it was dealt with, so people went their own way. Just then the driver arrived with the package in his hand and took me away from the awful (awful!!) place (after I thanked the other guy). It took us more than 1hour to drive in and out of a street that was only approx 100metres long!! It was a hair-raising, crazy experience!! It shows that the culture is just very vocal/expressive, but afterwards things are not taken to heart, unless what was said was very offending of course. Another African-Asian similarity, talking like they are fighting, but you look at their faces they are actually joking and laughing! Africans tend to be much louder in volume though, and they can talk like this anywhere and with anyone. Asians tend to be this loud only in private settings like at home or amongst close friends.

- Not all Blacks are big built and well-muscled. A lot of them are like Chris Rock, short and/or lanky. A lot of them had big guts too, even when they were slim or fitness fanatics. I was told it’s the result of diet or alcohol. I cheekily brought the idea that maybe it’s their physique/general structure (‘cause I’ve never seen regular gym/fitness fanatics with big guts), heheheh! This speculation of course did not sell well. Hahahah! *wink*

- My kindest experiences from locals (not family/friends of people I traveled with) were from areas not corrupted by commercialism and tourism. They were just genuine, willing to help and trying to make an honest living. This is the main reason I LOVE staying away from the high-rise buildings and main cities. Locals become more laid back and less opportunistic in the little villages or non-touristy areas. However comparing this trip to all my travels to other countries, in Ghana I faced the least touts, scams, and people trying to take advantage of my being foreigner. As I keep saying, the people of Ghana are the treasure of the country. It should be one of the main reasons why one is to visit the country.

- My happiest moment was during the trip back to Kumasi from Mole National Park (where i saw a lot of wild animals such as elephants, warthogs, apes, deers, roebucks, etc... metres away or right next to me, while we walked around the reserve).

- People are scared of voodoo. This could be one of the reasons why people are very, very religious. The services are fun and vibrant. Singing, especially at the start of the service, usually goes on for an hour with people animatedly dancing along! Be prepared to hear songs of praise complete with loud microphones, drums, bass, and anything else that makes music at all hours of the day AND NIGHT, NOT ONLY ON SUNDAYS!! Thank God for my ear plugs! My problem was (and I’m sure others must have felt the same way at one point) it was hard to sleep once you heard them or are woken up by them. I know they are proudly praising but I believe some of them have lost the plot. They’ve crossed the line where they forgot to be considerate of their neighbours and instead creating noise. Some churches close to each other seemed to compete on who could make the loudest praise by trying to overwhelm the other with their musical instruments, singing/shouting and microphones, all in full blast!! They are so loud that it was hard to hear yourself think or concentrate on the preaching, especially if the service you attended started earlier so the other churches were still singing while the pastor talked. Sometimes the pastors talked over each other too, with their microphones in full volume. I say God knows what’s in their hearts. God can see their pride. The ‘praisers’ should be aware that by overdoing their intentions they are instead giving the religion a bad image, removing people’s right to enjoy their peace (esp during sleeping times) and lack of Christian unity.

- On weekends, the whole country suddenly starts sprouting locals wearing traditional black (and red) clothing. As a tourist, if you are not familiar, it could feel quite freaky. This is their funeral/wake garb, and funerals are fun events for them, to celebrate the life of the deceased!! So the locals are actually out to party!

- The mosquitoes tried to eat me alive!! They were absolutely lethal! No amount of heavy duty tropical insect repellent could keep them away from me! I still have scars, especially all over my legs. As soon as it was 6pm, they swarmed. I was very thankful I never contracted malaria, which is a common sickness in Ghana, treated like it’s only a simple flu. I stress the importance of taking preventative medications. Ghana is in the “high risk malaria belt”. Malaria is not like dengue fever where you can avoid areas where dengue carrying mosquitoes are (dirty still water, puddles, etc). Malaria carrying mosquitoes are everywhere, no matter how clean the place was, as soon as night struck and sometimes even before daybreak. The only way to avoid them was to keep them outside homes.

- Aids/HIV…. Ghana was one of the first countries to introduce safe sex and condoms to its people. People are very aware of the epidemic within Africa. NO COUNTRY WORLDWIDE is free of people sick from Aids/Hepatitis C/HIV. Ghana apparently has one of the smallest percentage of reported Aids/HIV/HepC? cases in Africa/the world.

- Not everyone lived in mud huts. I never stayed in one and only saw them in rural areas. I was surprised when people kept asking me this! There were plenty of enormous and majestic houses; big compounds and tall gates. Houses were built with cement bricks, glass, wood, and even marble!! My room and bed were always huge!


- It is normal for people to share a bowl or plate of stew or soup, and eat with their RIGHT hands. They know how to use cutlery. But traditional dishes seemed tastier to eat with our hands, so I continuously did it even though I was burning my fingers, especially with the soup.





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First 10 I Will Miss After Leaving Ghana

  • Aunt Elizabeth’s fufu with soup
  • Aunt Rose’s freshly baked bread with cheese
  • Auntie Nana’s salted rice with spicy stew when I had the munchies
  • Bojo Beach
  • La Tawala (seaside chop bar where I kept having grilled fish, yum!)
  • Strawberry aperitif
  • Kele wele with ginger
  • Eating fresh coconut and drinking its juice almost daily
  • Golden Spark
  • Not working

Saturday, January 05, 2008

My First Tens In Ghana

First 10 Favourite in Ghana

  • Ghanaians – they are definitely the warmest, friendliest, most welcoming people I have ever met during my travels. I love it here because of them!
  • My friend – I feel so myself around her, talking freely and asking candidly, all the time with a good sense of humour. She’s a beautiful woman, and interesting to watch
  • My friend’s very sweet 5-year old son (especially when we are dancing or drumming or hugging)
  • Sleeping in my own room, having a huge bed (both in Accra and Kumasi)
  • Hiking up Exercise Hill at least 3 times, doing better than I expected
  • Papayas and coconuts
  • Ceiling fans
  • Riding tro tros several times
  • Kingsgate chocolate – made with Ghana’s world famous cocoa
  • Ofori Aonponsa’s songs (which is being played continuously, a little overkill)

First 10 I Miss in Ghana

  • Beautiful and Delightful
  • Vegetables (not mashed to put into soup or stew)
  • Leather sandals – I ruined the jeweled slippers I wore up and down with everything… now my feet feel lost.… Hoping to buy a replacement soon, but I think I won’t have any luck here in Africa (surprisingly enough)
  • Party clothes and shoes – I packed to give away at least half my clothes and shoes, the other half comfortable for active outdoor activities… so it doesn’t leave much for nightlife (I always forget this part of the trip, heheheh)
  • Sometimes, using cutlery
  • Swimming pools
  • Breakfast cereals with cold milk
  • Listening to my music (most left in Oz), I’m getting bored of what’s in my laptop
  • SNOW!! – I’m going to miss out snowboarding this season too!!! Or only be able to go once!! Dang dang dang!
  • My delight’s meow

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Akwaaba

Here I am, here I am!! Finally here at last! The start of my dream to travel within Africa.

I organized this trip to Ghana before leaving home - to meet up (in London) with my friend from Australia and together we head to Kumasi for Christmas and New Year. I ended up going to USA for Thanksgiving etc, cutting short the trip by approximately 1 month. Then I spent Christmas in London (24-27Dec). Now I’m about to celebrate New Year’s in Kumasi.

  • Arrived at night, in 28’Celsius weather, in Accra
  • I likened the place to Asia – hot weather, polluted, dusty, rich and poor are mixed, friendly welcome, road rules are not followed, people ask for things, cost of living is expensive (comparable to overseas) especially for the locals. Differences are the roads are less developed here but the traffic seems less chaotic, not as many motorbikes and bicycles on the road.
  • Sellers balancing their wares on their heads
  • No skyscrapers (I was told the tallest building in Ghana overall may only be 30 floors)
  • People dancing carefree in a street where we drove by
  • Feeling happy after being told someone will take me to the local markets tomorrow morning (didn’t work out)
  • Home-cooked dinner, yum!
  • Drinking water!!
  • Worrying a little about not having malaria tablets, expecting it to be waiting for me when I arrive (flashbacks of my hospitalization in Asia, something I do not want to experience here), especially as I could feel mosquitoes biting me, a bite on my cheek is already swelling, and I’m going to be walking around the market tomorrow morning
  • Feeling better after confirmation I only have to worry about mossie bites at night (so hopefully there wont be any in the market), although tonight is still a concern (heheheh) and I really did not want to push my luck
  • I need malaria tablets, insect repellent, mossie air spray, simcard, and local currency!
  • Getting in touch with my friend from Australia to let her know I arrived safely and will be with her soon (after working out which bus I will catch, so she knows where to pick me up)
  • Showering without hot water, and enjoying it after getting over the initial cold shock
    I couldn’t see the stars, but I tried to sleep just before midnight listening to crickets and dogs barking/howling
  • Trying to get used to the feeling that something is biting me (I saw very little mosquitoes fly across my computer screen, it was likely to be them)
  • Sleeping feeling the soft blow of the wind, natural air keeping me cool
  • Waking up 4am to cocks crowing, night chirps, barks, and general activities outside the house at this time of the day
  • Now turning off my computer (5.30ish), so I can try to go back to sleep, and peacefully enjoy the moment, waking up 7am.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

What's in Door Number Two?

How can anyone match more than a decade of honeymoon? A love that for me was true and deep? A love and marriage/commitment promised forever by a man which I believed?

The fact that it could not hold a couple together (other irreconcilable differences got in the way) was a blowing disappointment, making the prospect of spending life with someone you love (and loves you back as intensely) "forever" seem bleak.

I am sure there are quality men out there still. I am optimistic. Whether my heart will leap for them is unpredictable. I was blessed with a wonderful partner whom set a very high standard. I mentioned in an earlier blog some of my considerations. I expect my next alpha male to have similar considerations.

Im not looking for a perfect man, there is no such thing. But I believe men around my age should be at a stage in his life, where he is improved from 5 years ago, and the 5 years before that. So those stuck in a time warp, or still have not made (or have not tried making) something of themselves loses alpha points. As we are long past our teen years, someone who is still unsure of what they want to do in life, or still have not done much in life (just let time pass him by)... is just not someone I can see myself getting (or staying) attracted to.

Being self-made, I am happy with the person I have become. I am proud of what I have achieved. It's natural for me to want to be with someone who feels the same self-pride, and has the same strength. Someone who can show me now the type of life and values to expect from him if we are to spend our life together, and how we can have fun positively affecting each other. I dont get attracted to "lost puppies", as I do not need the validation of how good a partner I am by being the reason a man has become a "man". Not because I dont want to put in the work. More because the outcome may still be a man not compatible to my needs.

First 10 Favourites In East Coast USA


  1. Seeing and spending time with my niece, nephew, siblings and dad

  2. Attending my dad's #0th birthday

  3. Seeing the stars at night again! (I couldnt see them in London!)

  4. Autumn - multicoloured leaves on trees and the ground; leaves crunching when stepped on; the wind blowing these leaves everywhere; morning frost; and the slight chill I can feel on my nose, eyes and cheeks when a cooler wind blows past.

  5. Watching my dad rake leaves coz "he's playing" (not letting me help)

  6. Confirming my realisation that I dont need to cry

  7. Home-cooked meals

  8. Reese's ice cream

  9. Snowflakes falling lightly on my face and melting softly from my warmth

  10. The prospect of feeling and finding love

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Whatta Man Whatta Man Whatta Man What A Mighty Good Man

I’ve had many conversations with both male and female friends about what a perfect or near perfect partner could be. Most times the “criteria” discussed seriously, other times hilariously.

The following always gets mentioned:
  • Good sense of humour
  • …That’s it really! From here it goes to different directions!

Things That Make Me Go, “Ooooohhh!”

Physical

  • Good hygiene. Hahahah! It’s true! If a guy can’t keep himself clean (after messing about) or can stand not showering/brushing his teeth for days, I can’t help thinking the lack of self-care can be a sign of lack of care towards me.
  • Great body – not huge, just toned and fit - athletic. I don’t mind bulges on the side (once there, they hard to remove, I know), but I cringe at beer guts!! I love a well-muscled rear. Again, it’s about having self-pride (not cocky!). If he is treating his “temple” well, I see it as a sign of him knowing what’s important (him and his health) and he is capable of taking care of himself so the responsibility does not get passed on to me. Instead we can busy ourselves with other things, and have the energy to do them, because we have “well maintained” bodies and spirit.
  • Confidence. There’s something about the way a man carries himself. Casual ease, knowing how to look good wearing the simplest gear, or the more dapper attires. Or feeling comfortable being seen in public while he is not fully ‘made up’. I do get attracted to someone who has a really good sense of style and colours, someone who dresses up and takes some care in putting together what he is going to wear. Being confident but wearing mix-matched clothes and not pulling it off, is silently laughable to me.
  • I have a habit of looking at how they treat their feet; it’s the most neglected part. I think it's sexy when a man has well-maintained feet.

Sexual

  • Anything goes… I’m not gonna write it here! Some things are better kept a mystery, hahahah!
  • Someone who is exclusive to me completely.
  • Someone not afraid to show his emotions, don’t see it as a weakness.
  • Someone who knows how to show his love, not just speak it.

Mental/Psychological/Spiritual

  • I need a man who can handle my strength, or else he won’t know what has hit him! I’m fun, but a little (a lot?) hard to handle. Im a woman of strong actions, accepting of the consequences of my situations and decisions, aiming to always be happy, healthy and taken care of. I hope to spend my life with someone who will compliment (and appreciate) these values.
  • I get attracted to men whom aspires, or may love where they were at already but likes to set themselves little/bigger challenges just because they can.
  • Someone who while aiming high, knows how to smell the roses, don’t take things for granted, live in the moment, not forgetting what’s important in life – his faith/dreams, himself, his partner, his family/ies, his business, and then his friends.
  • Someone who loves to give, more than take, to his partner. Someone whom after several years is still giving more than taking from his partner.
  • Someone who accepts the consequences of his decisions (and situations), learn from successes/failures/obstacles, and move on, or continue on. I do not like 'victim mentalities'.
  • Someone who is not afraid to try, or not limit his partner because of his inability to try.
  • Someone who loves to surprise me. Someone willing to try out things, coz I bore easy.
  • Someone who will treat me well, as well if not better, than he treats himself (but not neglecting himself in the process).
  • I think.... it'll be hard for a man to keep my interest (to more than fun, friendship, or a serious relationship) if he is not, eehhh... more than me, or if he cannot at least match me. I can see myself feeling discontent with a man who just lives life weekly/monthly with no/little sense of purpose, goal or improvement, uninspiring, or "life-lazy/boring". Coz i'd rather be single than settle into something that might restrict my... spirit, personality and freedom (zest for life). I fear it.... I hope my heart chooses well.
  • I'm not interested in changing a man, or asking a man to change for me - those are all up to him. I look at the essence of the man, to appreciate his positives and acknowledge his negatives (and work out if they are traits I am willing to accept).

Financial/General

  • Every woman, even if they don’t fully admit to it, wants a man who can provide - now and in the future. They hope they wont fall in love with someone without savings, bad spending habits, living paycheck to paycheck, or on loans and credit cards. It shows either the man's lack of positive financial direction, or possible inability to provide for a family (if he is already struggling to provide for himself). If the man and woman's financial status is the same, then they can work on improving it together (Im stressing improving each other here). But if not, one of them is pulled down, unless the other is a much higher earner willing to pull the other up. How long the other will be willing to take on this responsibility may test the relationship, especially if the other takes it for granted and/or dont show improvements.
  • Women want to be taken care of! Some women are capable of taking care of ourselves, with nest eggs. Some want to maintain that independence throughout her lifetime, others in varying levels of dependency to her man (eg, have the option of not working). Most of us dont make a big deal of it, but we like having the option available for us to take.
  • I am not attracted to a man who “talks more than walks”. I also don’t like slow actions. As I consider myself strong and a confident (and smart) risk taker, people/men who take their time, when actions should already have been taken, frustrates me.
  • Don't like someone who complains, and complains... and complains! But don't do anything about the situation!! There will always be a reason why things cant be changed, so if it can't be changed, or the man doesn't want to change it, then stop blabbing about it!! Accept your decision to put up with it! Stop playing the 'victim' of your circumstances. A person is only a continuous victim because the message you put across on how others should treat you, is that they can do it to you. If you dont like it, be proactive and change it, or shut up! Hahahah! When people do this I switch off or stop it, and if it continues, I step away. I'm a nice and accepting person, but this can make me lose my patience. It's a definite turn-off from a man, less acceptable for me than if done by a woman. Continuous complaining, especially about nonsensical issues, is just as worse as nagging - nothing but verbal diarrhoea. Blah blah blah! Hahahah!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Fear (and the triggers behind it)

I used to be fearless. I am anxious of a lot of things (a lot of things!!!!), but it never stops me from doing and trying out things, after issues such as safety and how much I want (to do) them were worked out. I also like to test my limits, most of the time surpassing them. There is a creepy-crawly I hate, which could make me feel faint, but I don’t fully fear it. I know how to keep my wits together when I see it, albeit some shrieking ;-). I have such a curiosity and zest to try out different experiences that I act in spite of my worries. Naturally, I hate it when other people’s fears and limitations are thrown at me, especially when they mention it while I am doing the activity at the time!

Still, I realized I have developed (or am developing) a fear I cannot, yet, overcome… a fear of being married. To me (ideally) marriage is absolute, a loving and positively affecting long-term relationship. I’m all for love, very capable of giving it unconditionally, can stay loyal and faithful, committed, inspiring and supportive while we are together. I also obviously expect it in return. So I am careful (I think, I thought…) in choosing my life partner. My recent experience confirmed, instead of refute, my apprehensions….

I was with my partner for more than a decade. I was happy to continue on as we were, thinking our relationship hardwork because of our differences and imperfections, but very much loving and strong to last our lifetime. He’s always wanted more – marriage then children (though he was the one who didnt want children "yet"). I wanted them too, but he/we weren’t yet stable, busy primarily chasing his dreams. I think one of the reasons for our breakdown was stagnancy. Initial actions/goals/plans took too long to eventuate, so everything else that was equally important (my dreams, marriage, starting a family, etc) after it, were continuously discussed, but kept at a standstill.

Anyway, we thought it was time to marry. We’ve been talking of it for several years. We decided to elope, to do a beach wedding, or a plain civil ceremony. It's stress free and perfect for us. To make the story short, while on holiday in an island overseas with friends (2005), on the spur of the moment, we ended up exchanging vows. It was a simple, elegant event.

Our ceremony was not legal. We both wanted it to be legal, but we could not meet all the legal requirements. We decided it was irrelevant, as we knew we were committed to each other (married in the eyes of God), so we planned to marry again (to abide to the law of the land) by civil ceremony in our country.

More than a year later, we still weren’t legally married (now a blessing in disguise). Too many things got in the way, like our cashflow being tightly used by the business and my hubby going overseas and getting stuck there to take care of the business. Legal marriage pushed aside until we were together again. I didn’t think it became an issue between us, as it made no difference to us/me. However, I was very uncomfortable pretending to be married (I hated lying). I felt like a hypocrite, especially to my close friends – they knew my strong views about marriage and how comfortable I was of never being married (or I should say how uncomfortable I was pretending to be married legally already) – but I kept the pretence as it was important to my partner, waiting for his return and the chance to finally do it legally. Some people also seemed to deem it important, as they reacted more accommodating… or welcoming… after hearing we were married or seeing the ring on my finger (weird… stupid… but that was how it was. If inclined, I can write another unfavorable blog on this topic).

Then personal issues and extreme differences became more apparent, especially after our unexpected (long) separation while he chased his dreams and I kept our home-life together. When he got back treatment became different (more noticeable or less acceptable); and actions/inactions very hurtful and disappointing. We/I realised we/I cannot become the right person for the other/him. Even at the airport as we headed overseas, he said we'll work on it, we loved each other unconditionally and made vows to be committed to each other. I took those promises seriously too, so I believed him. I travelled (followed my dreams). The opportunity came up so I used it. Harold did not want me with him while he took care of huge problems with our business overseas. He said I wont be physically safe to be there with him. He's been getting death threats since around September last year. He needed to focus on the business. Our relationship issues became the distraction again, put aside like our marriage. Fast forward, sadly, eventually the boundless and unconditional love we said we had for each other was not enough to keep us together as life partners, but enough to keep us as friends/family.

I’m thankful now we weren’t legally married. I’m thankful now not adopting and having children together. It made breaking our ties straightforward, no lawyers or divorce needed. After we work out our remaining responsibilities, we both can hopefully start over again smoothly.

…Anyway, at this time, I fear anything leading to a serious relationship, especially marriage, because it means long-term plans with my chosen man. The thought of loving someone as much (if not the same or more); continuous compromises and having to consider someone else (again) with every decision I make, makes me feel faint, like I cannot breathe. Ask me to marry… and I become quite phobic, feel suffocated and literally get cold feet. Most times it’s funny, I laugh at myself. Other times I think it is sadly neurotic, the downside of being strongly independent.

I do not like being this way. But I also do not care to be as giving to my next partner (unfortunately for him) in the immediate future. It’s time for “me” to be the priority now. For a long time it was “we”, “him” and “them”. Once I felt I have taken care of my dreams and my needs, only then would I love to be proven wrong - that there is a man out there who could make me say “YES” when he formally proposes. A man I would happily marry. The man I would willingly submit to, as he also willingly surrenders to me, as I surrender to him. My absolute.

Maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be ready. Or maybe I really just haven’t found the right man. As always, I leave it in God’s hands… I’m sure with a little leap of faith from me when/if the time comes.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Horoscope For The Day

"Dorothy learned a valuable lesson while in Oz about not looking quite so far away to find something she was looking for. The message to you now is very similar. You think something or someone is unattainable or that considerably more effort will be needed to even get close. On this occasion, you're wrong."

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Sick of London... but it still has a lot to offer me....

I've been very busy with work here.

I'm sad and teary when I get a moment to reflect, so it's very good that I am busy.

I've had many moments where I had to use all willpower to stop myself from crying - from my eyes watery while walking, talking to friends, or riding public transport; to while Im alone and tears have fallen and I had to pull myself together so I dont fall into depression. My heart feels broken, but my spirit is strong.

Lots of good friends, mainly "transit friends", they're either leaving or fairly new like me. Everyone eventually heading off somewhere.

Having lots of fun when work doesnt take those times. Salsa dancing lessons one of my favourites.

I finally found a guy who can dance with me (regardless of music) here in London! And Im having heaps of fun dancing with others with the same interest.

Trying to save money so I can actually travel. Im earning more back in Australia, and cost of living is MUCH higher in London. Add to that financial responsibilities back home, it doesnt leave me much to play with.

I crave for outdoor activities, boxercise, bikeriding, the beach, "100% safe feeling" male companionships, rest, hours of hugs and kisses, sex sensuality etc, fine things, peace and quiet, "my harem" or posse of athletic and gorgeous fun male workmates, my kittycat, and being treated like a queen.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

My First 10 Favourites in Germany

1. Seeing my friend and her pets! Getting to know her more, and her friends

2. Nuernberg & Regensburg

3. Time spent at Birthday Party, Day After Party, Bogart's and Biggie's Place

4. Wehr bread

5. Learning how to make bread in a proper bakery

6. Bike rides to and from the Alstadt

7. Learning how to speak German

8. Shisha

9. Trying on tradional clothings with Biggie

10. Walking around Wurzhburg for a few hours and Frankfurt overnight on my own











Sunday, August 05, 2007

Life Moving On In London

Still mixed feelings about London. But Im learning to appreciate its cultural and ambient offers. It helps that it has been sunny especially this weekend, and I live close to Picadilly Circus which seem to be one of the main hubs of activity here.

Referring back to my last blog - after writing about a dream profession, I was asked to work where after I handed envelopes to shareholders, I just socialised; looked pretty; ate canapes, hor d'ourves, olives; and drank (avoided the wine though, self-imposed ban). They even gave me a chauffered ride home afterwards.

Life is still simple. But I have been enjoying emptying my bank account to dine out (hit and miss with foods), enjoy desserts and drinks, pay for club entrance fees, and to watch ballet (Bolshoi! La Bayadere). It brought normalcy to my life.

Still, the best things in London life were free. The sun on my skin while sitting at an outdoor cafe in Covent Garden; a busker playing his saxophone in the background; random eye contacts and smiles from strangers; casual walks at night; meeting possible friends; carefree dancing; and people watching. I also managed to watch a play and a movie for free! Vegemite Tales ticket was given to me by my recruitment agency. A waiter in Chinatown just handed me 4 movie tickets for Hostel II.

I like my roommates, we have our own quirks, but so far so good. My relationships, especially with my female roommates, Im appreciating. I just realised we are all really interesting (can even say dynamic characters/personalities) in different ways. Even our looks are diverse! One blonde, one redhead, one (am I brunette?)... me. Must be fun to observe us...? I also have a nicely developing relationship with a girlfriend and a boyfriend here, chatting away our issues, discussing things with much candour, amusement, honesty, respect and heart. I have a feeling we are kindred spirits. With London life, everyone being here kind of in transit, it's hard to gauge (coz we do latch on to people), but I think them two will stay in my life for a long time :-)... hehehe, soppy stuff.

I start my contract work this week. I had a flooding of job offerings last week. Two of the companies I wanted to work for especially, both in the sporting industry. One deals with one type of sport (opening a headquarters here, more business-like), the other deals with all types of sport you can place a bet on (settled company with a very casual culture, I love it). Both would give me a chance to travel and maybe be given free passes to sporting events. I chose the first one where I have to work harder, with a longer contract. The company profile is impressive, I hope I do well.